2008

As the end of the year comes to a close in a few hours, I figured I would do my best to kind of sum up how the year went.
Heath Ledger kicked the bucket. He died from an overdose of prescription drugs. Before he died he made the Dark Knight and I think his death makes him even more legendary.
The Yankees were a terrible baseball team. They bought all the finest players and proved their worth by getting destroyed and not even making the playoffs. To show that they never fucking learn, they just bought the top 3 free agents this winter for millions and millions of dollars to prove that they can still buy lots of product to fail.
In New York our Governor resigned due to the fact that he was banging hookers. He was found to even have them travel down to D.C. from New York. At least he was putting money back into NY. Go back a few entries if you need to be refreshed about what I think of the new Governor.
We elected our first black president. It was a long fight, but America realized that if we didn't elect him we would be lead by a corpse for 4 years.
Sarah Palin became a household name for all the wrong reasons. She was nice to look at, but painful to listen to. She is the biggest moron without the last name "Hilton."
Tina Fey made it big this year. She starred in Baby Mama. She also had another great season of 30 Rock. Her best work, however, was showing the world how stupid Sarah Palin is on SNL skits. She also made it to sex symbol status.
Gas prices were about $4 a gallon for a long ass time and greedy execs were raking in the dough. We then went downhill as a country and gas is the lowest it's been in 5 years.
The biggest story this year was our economy. We are now in a recession thanks to corporate greed and stupidity on our part. Because of this we lost Linens 'N Things. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????

Kwanzaa

Kwanzaa is a holiday we have all heard about by now. It is supposedly equal to Christmas and Hanukkah, but is as highly regarded as Festivus. Everyone jokes about it quietly, but I'll be the one to question it as loudly and obnoxiously as possible here.

Nobody knows what the fuck Kwanzaa is. We all know that it was invented in the 60's and is celebrated by African Americans. Don't get me wrong I am not a racist and think that people should honor their culture. I don't think making up random holidays is celebrating your culture.

I know that Christmas and Hanukkah represent and celebrate miracles that happened way before toilet paper was invented. We have no real way of confiming if they actually happened. However, Kwanzaa was invented by a guy who basically wanted to stick it to the white man and offer a third holiday.

Even if you're going to invent a holiday at least make it not resemble the other ones you are against. Hannukah has 8 nights, Kwanzaa 7 days...ooooooooooohh big difference. One fucking day. The Jews light a minora and Kwanzaa has a kinara. Copycats.

I think I will invent my own holiday next year. I will call it Shleplick. It will be celebrated for 9 days. We will light a candleholder called a finera. There will be lots presents and we will eat baked spam. Until then...

Jam Bands

I don't get the point. I love music and all different kinds of instruments. The only types of music I hate are: Country, R&B, most new rap, and jam bands. I will get to the others sometime in the future, but tonight is all about the jam bands.

I will admit that I like Dave Matthews and most of his songs. I have seen him in concert a few times and enjoyed myself for the most part. There are times, however, that they will play song like All Along the Watchtower and that shit lasts like 35 fuckin' minutes. Why? Sing, dance, strum your little fuckin violin and move on to the next song. You don't need to play the same beats over and over and over and over and over again. We get it. You can keep a beat and you just dropped a shitload of acid. Whoopity fuckin' doo. Play Ants Marching now.

Grateful Dead has some awesome songs and so do some of these other bands, but why must they play a 4 hour concert with only 5 songs? It doesn't make sense. I came to see a show and hear a broad variety of songs. If I wanted to hear the same thing over and over again I would scratch a cd and just drop acid in my apartment and save myself parking and ticket prices. Christ Sakes.

Honestly these bands put on these shows because they get big crowds and that equals big money. The people go to these shows because they love the music. They love the music because they just took some potent shit. That is the only way you will enjoy this shit is if you: A.) Shower once a week (if that) B.)Have some stoner friends to share with C.) Like to jump around in the heat, humidity, and rain to some motherfucker hitting the same chord on his ukelele for 2 hours because you dropped acid, shrooms, and smoked some Northern Lights on the van ride over.

David Paterson

If you do not know who this man is yet please throw yourself in front of a tractor trailer. He is the current Governor of New York. The first African American Governor in New York. He is also a blind cocksucker. He was also the topic of a controversial skit on SNL (which I thought was hysterical.) I wonder if he saw it... ohhh...that's right he is fucking blind!

I refer to him as a "cocksucker" because I wish that he were not blind so all New Yorkers could come together and take turns gouging his fucking eyes out so he becomes blind...you know, the fun way.

New York is currently the only state that charges a "luxury tax" for toilet paper. Boy, it sure is so much fun to wipe my ass. Since when did wiping your ass become a luxury? Are we supposed to let shit cake up and learn to live with rashes?

This prick Paterson has come up with the genius idea to tax New Yorkers for basically everything now but breathing. I'm sure we will be charged for each breathe soon.

He wants to tax more gasoline prices, movies, sporting events, plays, mp3 downloads, and even sugar soda. He is calling the sugar soda an "obesity tax" and it will also count for any sugary liquid that contains less than 70% real juice.Unfucking real.

He is also going to start charging Native Americans NY taxes for cigarettes. They have been allowed to sell them on their reservations forever sort of like a "gentleman's agreement" for us stealing their land and slaughtering them. Now he wants to charge them! We are charging them for the shit we stole from them! It's like cutting off somebody's dong and then selling it back to him. Ouch.

You know this blind motherfucker gets all kind of discounts and special help because he can't tell the differene between his dick and his toes when he looks down. And now he is fucking the whole state in the ass. Too bad we took the luxury to wipe.

Pagers

Back before there were affordable cell phones we had pagers. The pager fad was all the rage for a while and you weren't cool unless you had a pager. Then everyone got a cellphone and the pager faded away into oblivion.

I find it odd that the most common place to find a pager is in a hospital. In a place where the newest technological contraptions are being used to save lives, pagers are worn on doctors. I have seen doctors walking around with 2 or 3 of them. WTF? If there is a fucking emergency wouldn't a cellphone be a better option? A device where you can either answer and find out directly what is going on or at least be able to call back. Fucking crazy.

All I am saying is that if I am ever in the hospital and my doctor comes rolling up to my bed with a pager on I will deck the motherfucker for endangering my life.

Wealthy Whiners

This past Spring I graduated with my Masters in Elementary Education. In my last semester I took some bullshit class with two professors. We originally only had one, but they felt that the class was too big (a whopping 20 of us)and brought in another one. Instead of splitting us up they kept us in one stuffy room and the two of them took turns spewing out nonsense.

One day they were talking about what teachers will run into in public school life. They mentioned problems with parents and low salaries. They said how salaries and respect never match the work you do. They said how the salaries are so poor that most teachers have to get a second job (like them.)

Fast forward to yesterday. I am perusing my local paper online and sure enough for no particular reason they decided to publish the salaries of all the teachers who work in the district these two ass monkeys work for. One was hired in 1971 and makes $120,109. The other was hired in 1992 and makes $116,247. WHAT???? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

It sucks for the first teacher that she has 21 years more of experience and only makes about 4k more than the other teacher, but c'mon! These salaries don't even account for how much they make as professors! How can you complain about salaries when you make as much as some principals do?

I support teachers and decent salaries. Even if you do make that much as a teacher or administrator, never talk about your financial hardships to people struggling. If you do, you're an ass and should be set ablaze in your pile of money.

OMB

OMB is something that has been a problem with society ever since the invention of the sweatpants. Sweatpants were made for athletic people so they can run and play comfortably without all the restrictions of jeans and slacks. This has caused a problem, however, with a breed of human that we have all experienced....the elderly man. They tend to wear their sweats a size or two too small therefore resulting in Moose Knuckles, or as I like to call it OMB(Old Man Balls.)

Maybe it is because once you hit 80 you have nobody to impress and sweats are the easiest thing to slip on and slip off (especially if your prostate is about to explode.) I just don't understand why their families or friends don't just tell them that the pants are too fucking tight? Why must all the world see the veins in your scrotum?

If you have ever encountered an old man in sweats you know he is dangling one in one pantleg and one in the other. It looks like he has measuring weights in his pants. Isn't it uncomfortable to have your boys spread out like that?

All I know is that when I get old I will either have decent size sweat pants, wear a cup, or throw myself in front of a train. I figure these are logical solutions to avoiding the exposure of my OMB.

1/4 Circle

I figure anyone who reads the title of this will have to ponder for a minute what the fuck a 1/4 of a circle looks like, but better yet why I'm talking about it. Good pondering on your part. Now stop it.

There are a lot of things in life that annoy me. If you have read any other entries in this blog you can clearly agree that I basically hate everyone and everything. There are some things that bother more than most, and the 1/4 circle is one.

The 1/4 i am referring to is the one that appears on my front windshield because the damn wiper doesn't touch it. I understand there are other parts of he windshield that are unprotected by the madness of my wipers, but this is the most noticeable.

No matter how many fucking times I wipe my windows, or how fast I put my wipers on there is always a 1/4 circle of ridiculous dirt that accumulates. We have all kinds of machines and gadgets that can wipe our asses, tell us our heartbeat, and even make lights shut off simply by clapping...but still a non-perfect window cleaner? BULLSHIT!

That fucking guy who invented the intermittant windshield wipers was the focus of a recent movie starring Greg Kinnear. He changed our lives that he got a damn movie about it. That is not good enough. I want a man (or woman) to come up with some sort of device that just swipes the shit out of my windshield so that there is zero dirt or smudge on my windows. Is that too much to fucking ask?

McShake

I will give McDonalds the benefit of the doubt in this blog. I haven't had a McShake in a few years. They might have changed the ingredients and make it a semi-decent shake, but I doubt it.

Back in the day when you ordered a milkshake you were given three options: vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry. The only problem is they are the same exact thing. Same taste and pretty much the same color.

There really is not much to say about this topic. Go to your local McD's and buy all three flavors. I know you'll agree that they are all the same. If not, you're an ass or do not possess tastebuds. Either way, not my problem.

Mayo

Ever since I was a kid I could never understand mayo. It looks nasty, smells nasty, and just makes everything it is put on taste putrid. Who the hell came up with this and why?

When I was in nursery school I was best friends with twin brothers. One of them would eat peanut butter and jelly with me, but the other one always ate peanut butter and mayo. It was nauseating to watch as the peanut butter and mayo would fall out a little and on to the plate. He later told me that he ate it once and it made him throw up so he never had it again. Thank god.

The crazy thing is I like all of the ingredients in it. I love mustard, vegetable oil, lemon juice, and eggs. I don't like them all together, but they serve a bit of use with other things. It's like putting french toast, pizza, a cheeseburger,mustard and broccoli in a blender. It might also be that the eggs are raw. I don't know,all I know is it is nasty. Keep that shit away from me.

Asshole Kutcher

I can't stand this fucking guy! Why is he considered a celebrity? He has absolutely no talent and more money than the president. I am not a supporter of Bush by any means, but he is the fucking leader of the free world. All Asshole Kutcher does is fuck Demi Moore and shitty commercials.

I didn't like him in That 70's Show mainly because the show itself wasn't too funny. His character was too far over the top and he did a horrible acting job playing the retard...if that was acting.

He then did Punk'd. He made it seem like he was the one behind the scenes. You know there is a team of writers and other people who collaborate and make up the pranks. He just sat there every week with his stupid trucker hat and annoyingly yelled at the camera. No need for yelling fuckface, we get you're a prankster. Yay for you.

He has been in a few movies that have bombed. The most notable one is the one where he tried to give serious acting a try alongside Kevin Costner. Big deal, Kevin Costner has starred with fucking wolves. The wolves knew their lines.

Now, Asshole Kutcher is married to Demi Moore. Don't get me wrong, she is still pretty hot. The only problem is she was cool to nail back in the 80's and 90's. He is kind of late to the game.

Lastly, I hate those goddamn Nikon commercials where Asshole parades around parties with his camera and tries to act slick. Nobody gives a fuck about you or your camera. Put that shit in your pocket and go take some shots of your wife, cause in five years it will look like she has 4 knees (if you catch my drift.) Fucker.

CraYOn

There is a town not too far from where I live. In this town live a bunch of folks who look (and for the most part act) like normal human beings. You cannot spot what is amiss right away. You could go weeks, months, even years before you notice their major flaw. They cannot pronounce the word "crayon."

Now, this town is in the state right next to mine. Granted it is a different state, but the towns closest to me in that state pronounce the word correctly. I have had debates on this topic with some of the residents. They insist on saying "cran." Can you believe that shit? You can get a Pakistani off a plane and hand him a Crayola and ask him what it is. I give him a 95% chance that he'll say "crayon." He may say it a bit funny but c'mon he doesn't know the language and he just got off a goddamn plane. Cut him some slack you fucking racist!

I know that different cultures, religions, towns, etc. all have different ways of saying things. I don't think "crayon" is one of those things. I am pretty sure we all agree that you pronounce the "y" and "o." All except for these freaks who continue to live in our country and piss on our language. Either start pronouncing the "y's" and "o's" in "crayon" or get the fuck out of my country!

-Dedicated to T.F. and anybody else from N.F. who can't talk English good.

Vegemite

Who really eats this shit? Even the smell of it alone makes me want to vomit. It looks like shit and tastes like it too.

If you are not familiar with Vegemite it is a product of Australia. It is a brown sort of paste that is used like peanut butter. You can spread it on crackers or use it in sandwiches. It is like a by-product of beer or some shit, but tastes nothing like it.

Essentially, Aussies are out of their fucking mind. Maybe being so damn far from civilization has drove them completely fucking insane. Eating this is like scraping dog shit off of your shoe and putting it on melba toast. MMM....scrumptious.

Keyboard Numbers

Why the hell are there two sets of numbers on a keyboard? Are you that fucking lazy that you can't reach up on top of the letters to reach your precious numbers? I never even use the right side of my keyboard.

Every now and then I might need the services of my arrow keys. Other than that I don't even know why that shit is there. Couldn't we get rid of that side and make it more compact? Numberlock? When do I need to lock my numbers? What the fuck for?

I think in this horrific economical abyss we are falling into, the computer companies should get their shit together and stop wasting time producing all these extra numbers. Save time, money, and energy and rid the right side completely. Use those resources to make a keyboard that needs no touch. It can just read my mind and type what I am thinking. So what I am writing now would be by thought. So would this. And this. This I would type manually to make a point. But here I go again using my mind and not fingers to type. Double numbers...

Peanuts

I was flipping through the channels tonight and I saw a Peanuts movie on. It was one of my favorites as a kid. I loved Snoopy and all those little snobby bastards he hung out with.

As an adult I find these cartoons to be rather fucked up. Everyone always comments on the lack of adult supervision or the "wa wa wa wa" dialect that the adults speak. This is disturbing, but that angle of it has been beaten to a pulp. I see some other troubling things.

The first thing that troubles me is Snoopy's collar is way too tight. I bet if you looked under it you would have some of the worst rugburn ever. How the ASPCA hasn't come over and removed him is amazing. It is also amazing that he is allowed to freely come and go as he pleases. There are no set boundaries for him. Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer would get his ass in gear.

Aside from these kids being left alone all day, what about Pigpen? You mean to tell me this little ball of dust and shit hasn't been scooped up by CPS? The kid is literally a mound of dirt and nobody ever thinks to call the proper authorities?

Lastly, why are the girls freely allowed to chill with the boys alone? Sally loves Linus and you know Charlie Brown was drugging Lucy and hitting that. If these kids can recite Yeats poems and play Beethoven, then they damn well can play hide the salami.

Basically if you have a kid that you like to leave home all day and night unsupervised alone with a dog and a revolving door of friends, then at least have them shower every now and then. Also, leave a box of condoms. Be safe you negligent fuck!

Tramp Stamps

Some girls wake up in the morning and decide "I'm going to get a corny tattoo right above my ass. That should get me some attention." Truer words have never been spoken. But why?

Chances are you are already getting attention if a guy is staring at your ass. A butterfly, rose, fairy, or asian symbol nobody (including you) knows about is not needed.

There are plenty of females who would argue this and say they did it because it would "look cute" or that "I just like the way it looks." Bullshit. You know you did it to get attention. Just like the low cut tops, whale tails, and tight ass jeans. Attention.

So ladies, if you have a trampstamp or are planning on getting one please at least be truthful about it. You don't want to be a liar on top of being a filthy whore.

Updates

As a society we are way too excited to update people with our lives. We feel the need to go out of our way to tell people what we're up to or what is going on with our lives. What we need to figure out soon is that nobody gives a shit.

A guy my parents were kind of friends with back in the day used to make a fucking bi-yearly newsletter telling us all about his job, his wife, the kids, and their dogs. WHY? I have enough useless bathrrom reading, it's called the Pennysaver.

The newest way of constantly updating people is on social networks like Facebook. You can change your status whenever you want and let people know what is going on. This has gotten way out of hand.

I know people that feel the need to change their status at least 4 times a day. "I am in the shower." "I am going to drop my coat at the dry cleaners." "Going to go to happy hour with the girls. LOL. WASTED!" Do these people really think we give two shits? Am I sitting at my computer saying "oh so the girls are going to the bar to get wasted. Why that is funny!" NO!

If you are going to give somebody an update, make sure they ask for it first. If not, you better make it something interesting like: a midget is running around in a giraffe costume on your lawn. Then I'll care.

Whale Wars

T.V. is fucking out of its mind these days. I started watching this show Whale Wars on Animal Planet and it blew me away. Not because it had to do with whales or the preservation of whales, but because the humans involved are fucking nutballs!

There is a crew of volunteers who belong to an organization called Sea Shepard. They go out on this boat called Steve Irwin and they sail to Antarctica. The reason for doing this is that Japan "illegally" hunts and kills whales. These freaks go and stop them.

On the Steve Irwin they have small inflatable boats that they use to go closer to the big Japanese whaling ships to harass them. They throw some sickening chemical on to the deck of the whaling ship. They also throw ropes and shit into the propellar of the big ship to stop it.

The first day they found the whaling ship, two Steve Irwin members decide it would be a good idea to go up to the whaling ship and jump on to it to "deliver a letter." They are tied to the ship and kidnapped for 3 days.

The captain doesn't seem too phased that two of his men are in enemy territory. He is more worried about the damn whales. He calls the media and uses the kidnapping as a way to get media attention. The captain's name is Paul Watson and he co-founded Greenpeace but got the boot. I'm sure it's because he is an insane fucking moron.

I agree that whales shouldn't be hunted. I don't, however, think that we should sacrifice the lives of other humans to get publicity about what a great person I am for saving the whales. I hope somebody harpoons this motherfucker.

Barry

Somebody's gotta stop Barry Manilow. I know he wrote the songs that make the whole world sing and shit, but he is out of his fucking mind.

I recently stumbled upon an ad plugging his new album. It is him singing the "greatest" song from the 80's. Not only are they the worst songs from the 80's...Barry makes them even fucking worse! Like that shitastic song from Dirty Dancing, Barry makes it sound like nails on a chalkboard. Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting...fucking awful!

The worst part is that this is not the first time he has done this. He has done this for every decade since the 50's. The most pathetic one is the 70's. About 75% of the album is Barry Manilow covering Barry Manilow. You gotta have some pair of balls on you to label your songs the "greatest" of a decade and just re-record them with "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

We really need to stop this shit before he touches the 90's. I can't hear a shittier version of "I'm Too Sexy." Please make him stop!

Breeding

So I work with this kid after school for some extra money. I am supposedly his tutor and my job is to help him focus and complete his homework. I will probably have a lot more to write about this subject another time.

The kid's parents are divorced. The dad is a cop about 2 hours away and the mom apparently doesn't have a job. She likes to "breed" yorkies.

When I started working there a couple of months ago they had 8 annoyingly loud yorkies that would bark. They are now up to 16. Pretty soon all of the puppies will be running around and barking with the other dogs. Holy fuck.

My problem here is that the 8 original dogs all live in their own filth. They run around and shit and piss all over everything and then roll around in it. They are not what people are looking to buy. So they fuck each other and have more puppies to stink up the joint. Now you will have 16 hairy balls of shit and piss running around like maniacs. No one will want to buy these dogs. It will go on and on and on and....

My point is this: Just because your dogs can keep fucking and multiplying, doesn't mean you're a breeder. It means you're a lazy ass who should get rid of all the dogs and get a fucking job!

Extra Fingers

I heard recently that the new Bond girl was born with 6 fingers on each hand. That is pretty fucking cool. Imagine all the possiblities/difficulties of having extra digits. No? Well I have and here is what I thought of:

When learning to count as a child I'm sure she did better counting up to twelve than all the other kids. Being a person who is horrible at math, that would have been key.

I'm sure it was hard to find mittens. Do you double up in one finger or just wear gloves all the time?

However, I'm sure you have more leverage and a better grip when throwing snow and/or meatballs at people's faces.

What if there was an emergency and someone was dying and you had to reach in their open chest to massage their heart to start and there are small latex gloves that in no way would fit an extra finger? I'm sure that would be a tough call.

When the person is pissed which one is the middle finger? Do they just raise both fingers together? I think that would come across pretty clearly.

Now that I think about...that is fucking creepy. It sounds horrible and I hope to never have to encounter one of these freaks. I especially hope to never shake a mutant hand, they might have a supergrip that rips my arm off. Fuck that's scary!

Sea Monkeys

As I grow older I look back at my childhood and wonder what the fuck people were thinking. I remember seeing ads in the back of comic books for Sea Monkeys. I remember asking my parents constantly to let me buy it and my dad always saying "it's a load of crap."

Now as an adult I still want them. My only reasoning is that it is fucking stupid and I would just like to see my wife's reaction to coming home from work and seeing them hatch on our kitchen counter.

If you don't know what sea monkeys are or have never seen them they are brine shrimp that hatch when you put them in water. The ads used to use these cartoon sperm to help sell them to children like me.

Maybe I'll fall in love with them and make a magical sea monkey village and museum where I can charge admission. Maybe $6 for adults and $2.50 for kids up to age 11. Kids under 2 will be free of course. We can have a snack bar, gift shop,and interactive show.

The place would be called Sea Monkey World. We would use the Sea World sign but put a little carrot in between "Sea" and "World" and spraypaint in "Monkey" all classylike.

Hey, if Dolly Parton can open a boobtastic theme park, then I'm sure my magical land of Sea Monkeys will flourish.

Men's Mags

So yesterday I went off on a rant about women's magazines and how much they suck. Men's mags aren't much better. It is filled with lots of useless crap that makes us look like morons for reading it.

When you walk down the magazine aisle Maxim always sticks out. There is always a scantily dressed female on the cover doing something seductive looking. Maybe she is doused with water. Perhaps she is riding a mechanical bull in a miniskirt. You get the point.

The content inside the magazine is useless filler crap. You have a spread of the girl on the cover and an interview in which the reporter tries to get the most dirty secrets out of her. There is some sort of flirtation where the reporter makes it seem like they might have a shot at nailing her.

The rest of the magazine is filled with content that is supposed to be appealing to everyday men. From how to get a bullet out of your face only using a quarter and a lighter to picking up girls at a mental institution. WHAT? If you are getting shot in the face I don't think the first thing you will do is reach for a quarter. Most likely you will be lying on the ground bleeding to death. If you need to pick up girls in a loony bin, you got some shit you need to get resolved.

Not all men are interested in new ways to lift weights. Anyways, anyone who knows me knows that I have a lifelong pass to the gunshow. We all don't care about the engines and horsepower of a Saturn Sky (this will be mentioned in a future post.)

Men have to stop paying for this shit. You can get all the useless information you need on the internet. Life is not only about looking at hot girls. Educate yourself. Learn about different cultures and their lifestyles. May I suggest a few hours of Telemundo?

Women's Mags

Warning: I am not trying to be sexist. If you are offended by my choice of gender magazines, go throw youself in a vat of acid. However, to be fair I will point out the stupidity of men's magazines tomorrow.

I read Rolling Stone. I have had a subscription for years. A few years ago I got my wife the magazine Jane. Jane does not exist anymore so I was offered Glamour instead. I said "no", but they send it to me anyway.

Glamour is a god awful magazine. Like Elle and all those other bullshit mags, the models are disgustingly thin and wearing shit nobody would ever wear. I don't understand why women would pay $5 to read a magazine that makes them look fat.

Women's mags are also full of ads. If you open one up, the first actual page of magazine is somewhere in the middle. The first 20 pages are all waifs laying on a canoe wearing ridiculous outfits.

I also find the articles to be humorous. Every single month they have the "Sexual Secrets Your Man Craves" or some shit like that. The articles are always written by women who have no fucking clue what we want. One might say "Your man craves something new. Try eating a bologna sandwich or hamburger before going down on him. He'll love your out-of-the-box thinking." WHAT? Are you blowing the fucking Burger King? Ronald McDonald?

If you want to know what your man wants in bed, open your damn mouth and ask. You don't need to hear it from Suzie Johnson who claims to know what we want.

By buying these magazines you are helping to feed the models crack addiction (you know they ain't eating), make men rich, and feed into the stereotype that make-up and clothing are all a woman thinks about(besides bologna blow jobs.)

Deer Xing

Why do we have deer crossing signs? Are there little paths that humans set up for them to safely cross a road? Why are these signs yellow? Did the deer have a say in any of this?

Deer crossing signs drive me nuts because you never see any fucking deer near them! Any time you see a deer it is always running across the street near no signage.

I guess we expect them to see the sign and slowly walk over to it and run across from that point. There is one problem with this line of thinking...deer can't read human. Not English, Spanish, German, Latin...nothing.

I think the government can save a lot of money by just posting one deer crossing sign at the beginning of a road or highway and have it with the deer running and something underneath it like (next 200 miles.) Then they wouldn't be such dirty fucking liars.

Cheating

So on Friday I was home early and I heard my upstairs neighbor run down her stairs, unlock the front door, and then run back up. About ten minutes later I hear somebody walk up the stair. I had music on and was writing an e-mail to a friend at the time. About twenty minutes later I hear my neighbor screaming "oh my god" and "YES YES YES" amongst a lot of moaning and groaning.

After a few hours I see the fellow (who is not her husband) walking down my street. I felt horrible for her husband. He could be the biggest douche of a husband, but does he deserve that?

Anyways, they have been screaming a lot and tonight as I was watching tv I heard him yell "I know he is here all the time. People tell me he parks his truck down the street and walks." So she screams at him that nothing happened, but she wants to be with the other guy.

If you are already busted for having a guy park his truck a mile away and everyone sees him come to your house and stay for hours, shouldn't you just 'fess up to the truth? Especially after you tell the other person that you want to be with the other man and not your husband. It might not hurt much more to just admit you had his dick in you.

People are fucking crazy. I don't condone cheating, but if the husband stays...he has a right to get fucked over again...literally.

Bars

I think bars are fun only in certain situations. The first and most important one is that you are single and want to get some ass. The second is if you are meeting a big group of people. A good example of this is meeting co-workers on a Friday after work for happy hour. The third is some sort of event like karaoke or a wet t-shirt competition. All understandable.

What I don't understand is why people chose to go and spend their whole paycheck standing in a crowded shithole screaming back and forth to their friends. I mean you go to a bar and spend $5 for a bar (plus tip) when you could spend that for a six pack at home.

I understand people like to socialize and all, but small crowded bars are ridiculous. You know the ones, where you are pushed up against the jukebox with your hand unwillingly on some dude's ass and you have to wait for some movement in the crowd before you have enough room to pick up your glass to take a sip of your beer.

So if you ever see me at the bar it will be for a good reason. Either I was kidnapped or I am wasted already. Fuck you for judging me!

Fecal Art

I read an article recently about the legitamacy and beauty of fecal art. For some of you who have the IQ of a gnat, fecal art is the art in which shit is used. After reading this article my head almost imploded.

It amazes me that our society is so fucked up that they think that last night's pot roast and corn is art just because it is splattered on a canvas. Why do people buy it? How can they pay good money to see it hanging in a gallery? Where do I sign up?

Do people go to these galleries and pick apart the brain of the artist? Do they say things like "this piece is an example of angst and desire" "the artist lusts after another" "phenominal use of shading and design!"

I worked with troubled kids for years and the guideline for kids who played with shit or smeared it on things is that they were sexually abused and fucked up. What message are we sending these kids by saying that it is wrong to smear shit on things unless it involves a canvass and can be sold in a gallery?

Seriously, if people pay a lot of money to see shit on a canvas, then I am literally flushing down my future kid's college education everyday. Basically, we all have the tools and potential to be artists. Mom would be proud of her lil artist.

Bad 'N Shitty

Now that Halloween has passed and we now have officially elected the first African American president, I feel it is time to rant on an important issue...licorice.

Black licorice is disgusting. It tastes like you are chewing on an old man's shoe. The taste is horrible and you spend so much time chewing it for nothing pleasurable in return.

Red Twizzlers are ok, but i prefer the shoestring cherry ones. They have taste and I like that I don't feel like I did all that work for nothing. I gots minez!

After working with children for so long I always notice that after Halloween kids always try to trade away Good 'N Plenty for something more pleasing. You just have bags of candy lying around filled with this shit. Even first graders aren't dumb enough to trade away their crappy Milk Duds for an even crappier Good 'N Plenty.

Why do people buy this shit for halloween? Have you ever seen anyone actually purchase it at the store to eat themselves? No. They only buy it for Halloween to give away. You sadistic fuckers. I think the kids will agree that they would rather get nothing than crap in a box.

We live in a new time. We have a new president. We are in the beginning stages of a financial meltdown. Please do your part and don't buy Bad 'N Shitty. If you do, make good use of it and shove it up your ass.

Get Yo Ass Down To Vote!

With our economy in the shitter and our international image damaged, we need to speak up as a country and vote. Today is the day for people to voice their opinions and help to make a change.
Four years ago we had a choice between two douchebags of different parties. There was not much of a difference between both of them and I think Kerry would have been just as moronic as Bush has.
If you can legally buy cigarettes and porn then get your ass down to vote. If you were too fucking lazy to register in the first place, you should be lined up behind an old storage shed and put down. You're useless and a drain on society.
Make sure you vote for who YOU think the best candidate is. Don't go by mom, dad, your loser fucking boyfriend, dying uncle Ned. You should think for yourself. Also, does it really matter who Nelly is voting for? I mean, where the fuck has he been for years? Celebrity endorsements are a joke.
Now, I have always been an independent and look at the candidates and their agendas. I have been outspoken about how I am voting for Obama, but I am not here to give my two cents. I hope you get off your lazy ass and vote. If you don't vote, hopefully you are leaning more towards McCain. Asshole.

Breaking da Law

So today I drove into the wonderful shithole called New York City. A place I feel has the appeal of wooden toilet paper. I hate New York, but I will get into that another time.

Anyways, I was driving to JFK Airport to pick up a friend. I am on the phone with my dad on my bluetooth. For some reason the bluetooth was not working properly. I turned it off and spoke to him without the bluetooth. I was at the Whitestone Bridge sitting in traffic and not moving. While sitting going 0 miles per hour, a scummy looking bridge cop puts his head in my window and says:
"Excuse me sir, do you need me to call 911 for medical assistance?"
"Nope. I'm all good" I told him.
He peers into my backseat and starts looking around.
"You sure sir? You don't need any medical attention."
"No."
"Well sir, the reason I am asking is because you are currently on a handheld device while operating a vehicle" he says in a dickhead manner.
"I am holding a phone, but I am not driving" was my retort.
"Is your car in 'drive'?" He says this while leaning his greasy head further in.
"Yes."
"Then sir, you are operating a vehicle."
"OK."
"Are you going to hang up your phone or do I have to write you a citation?"

So I hang up the phone and pull up to the tollbooth. The pleasant hag manning the booth gave me a dirty look to which I said:
"5 Dollars just to cross a bridge!!?"
"It's better $5 than the $95 you would have paid for talking on your cellphone!" She yelled this at me as if to scold me.
"Well anything above 50 cents is too much to pay for this scumbag city and all it's inhabitants" I said angrily.
"Whateva! Na ah!"
"Fuckin' moron" as I sped away.

The moral of this story is that New York is a shithole. You pay $5 to cross a bridge with craters the size of buses which your money is supposedly going to repair. You have cops who are deemed useless and sent to patrol the bridge for "handheld device violations." And then you have the old lady who realizes that her whole life is based on taking the money that I purposely just sneezed on. Bitch!

Sluttyween

Somewhere between 13 and 16 Halloween takes a turn. Guys always do stupid costumes and girls (for the most part) dress likes they are ready to be knocked up on the spot.

They continue to dress this way into adulthood and sometimes into their middle ages (if their looks hang on.) Since when did a cowgirl's skirt become so low that I can see lippage? I met the devil and I don't remember him having long blonde hair and supple breasts. And the girl scout? That is some twisted shit! Are you out to seduce the kid diddling psychopaths that get turned on by little girls?

Halloween for little kids is always fun, but let's face the fact that when you hit a certain age it's all about getting ass. Happy Sluttyween.

World of Warcraft

I am a fan of video games. I like to play a good game or two when I am in the mood for some killin'. However, nerds across the world unite all day and night to play World of Warcraft or as they call it "WOW."

My wife is one of these nerds. I will come home from work on some days to her talking into her headset about wind power and fire power. She will meet people in imaginary lands and do missions. This will continue on until 3 in the morning.

Basically I am married to a nerd. I don't need to go any further with this. I think I will get her a pocket protector for her Xmas stocking.

Mystery

With Halloween a few days away I figured I would write about this freakshow. VH1 gave this guy Mystery his own called the Pick Up Artist and it has him teaching a bunch of losers how to pick up women. The concept is cool, but THIS guy is an expert? WHAT THE FUCK?

First of all he always has a set of googles on his head. Unless he is some sort of red baron and he just flew in after a raid on the Germans there is no need for them. He is also sickly and pale. He should look into ditching the googles and goth gear and go outside and get some sun. I do not endorse a fake tan. You should know this.

Secondly, he uses all these little terms and phrases that are just plain moronic. When you move in on a woman in a bar and begin talking to her it is called a "set." When you get either verbal or non-verbal ques that someone is interested it is called an Indicator of Interest or IOI. Mystery loves to use this term.

Besides the goth look, the googles, the black nail polish...this guy is gay. I'm sorry, but the only reason he gets women to talk to him is that they do not feel like he is a threat. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but there is something wrong with lying to the nation to help out some nerds. What a sham.

Allison

So I recently saw an episode of Intervention that made me laugh so hard. Of course I felt bad for this girl in some way, but she was too crazy. Her addiction was computer cleaner. She buys up to 10 cans a day and inhales all of them. She was insane.

I have watched Intervention a few times and every now and then I'll get a chuckle or two, but nothing like this. I highly suggest looking this episode up. I know it will be on in the next few days. If you miss it look for it on youtube or something.

What idiot invented this shit? Who thought it would be a good idea to breathe in computer cleaner? I hope that person died a painful and meaningless death, but their innards are clean as a whistle.

Here is a video tribute to Allison I found to give you a taste:

Fabulous

How the hell did a sexual orientation steal a word and declare it its own? How the hell can you do that? Is that legal? Who said they could do that?

I have nothing against homosexuality. But I do have something against them claiming words like a free agent in a baseball waiver and making me look like an ass if I use it.

Why "fabulous?" It seems like such a fun and exciting word to use...only I wouldn't know. I have been trained by society not to use it at all costs. If I ever let it slip out of my mouth, you better believe people would think I like am a little light in the loafers.

I think we should negotiate with the gays and try to get that word back. Maybe we can make a deal. We could give them "malnourish" and/or "tubular." I think it would be a fair trade...let's hope it's not too late.

Tanning Salons

Unless you have some sort of medical condition that prevents you from going outside or your skin pigment is fucked up, why the fuck do people tan in a store? This is the most ridiculous shit ever. You people are the reason that the pet fucking rock was such a hit.

I know people who go tanning 12 months a year and they either look like they fell in some strange orange toxic liquid or that they had their skin replaced by leather. Either way, not a good look. People who get fake tans are like guys who wear toupees...we all know it's fake and we laugh and make fun of you behind your back.

If it is summertime and the sun is beating and it is 95 degrees outside, put on a bathing suit and sit in the sun for a little while. You will save some money (which makes sense in a fucking recession) and you will also not be such a conforming prissy douchebag.

If it is winter and you live in some sort of sub-arctic region where there is little sunshine and people know you have not been in Jamaica for the past two months, let it go. You do not need to look like burnt turd in a snowstorm.

I think anytime I see a fake tan I might just pour a huge bucket of water on their head. I figure they like simulated light, so I'll give them simulated rain. Fucking pathetic...

Certified Escort Vehicle Driver

This is the job to have. I totally fucked up in life. If I could turn back time and smack the hell out of my old self and change professions, this is the road I think I would take(no pun intended.)

These are the people you see who drive the cars or trucks on the highway in front of and behind a "Wide Load" truck. How fucking easy is that? Your only purpose in life is to tell people "hey shitlick, watch out for the giant fucking house on a truck behind me!" I could do that.

I wouldn't mind getting some XM radio in there and hitting the road in front of the house truck. Sometimes maybe the driver for the car/truck behind the house truck could fuck with people. Maybe we would sandwich a moped so it would say "Wide Load" on our trucks, but we would be escorted a shitty bike. Maybe we would also ge tthe driver of the house truck to park in the middle of a highway and we could pretend to be "living" in the house. I think people would love to see a show. Especially if they are stuck in traffic due to a giant fucking house blocking their way.

Religion

I am not religious at all. I personally think that religion is a crutch for some insecurities in one's life. It doesn't matter which religion it is, I am not a believer.

I got home tonight to a pamphlet that was left on my door all about god and how we are paying for our sins through pain and suffering. I wish these fucking godknockers would skip my door every once in a while. A perfectly good piece of paper was wasted on this nonsense. Maybe not wasted...I could use it as toilet paper.

Anyways, Jesus was a Jew. He died for the sins of the world. Did he go to heaven or hell? I thought Jews go to hell. So wouldn't he go to hell? These people need to get their stories straight.

Don't get me wrong. If you believe in religion, that is cool. I'm just not a believer. Unless you have money or a midget, don't knock on my door.

Satellite Radio

Why is there a Kenny Chesney channel on XM? Are they out of their fucking minds? There is also an AC/DC channel. How many times in an hour can I listen to "You Shook Me All Night Long?" Seriously that shit is moronic.
I rented a car this weekend to go up to Rhode Island for the weekend. I love satellite radio but could not figure out why these stations are even broadcasted. I understand that some French Canadian might be in the car and want to listen to the French Canadian station. Maybe someone in Delaware wants to know what the weather is like in Tampa so they listen to the Tampa weather channel. But Kenny Chesney?
If you need to listen to Kenny Fucking Chesney all day, feel free to lock yourself in a soundproof room with his cd on repeat. Before the end of the day, please make sure you slit your wrists. Thank you.

The Weather Channel

What a waste of a station. Who the fuck needs to know what is going on in Silver City, New Mexico at any given time or any given day? I don't even think the people that live there really give a shit. If they stick their heads out the window and get wet they might assume it is raining.

Everytime I turn on this channel to see what the weather is like outside, they are always talking about someplace remote and far far away from where I live. I also never seem to turn on the t.v. at the "8's" when they show my forecast.

Who sits at their t.v. and watches this station? Are there die hard fans who have nothing better to do? I think staring at a clock is more entertaining. I can get my weather and forecast on that local community station that lists a schedule all the shows that they supposedly show. I will do a blog on that channel another time. I'm also willing to bet we will see a Traffic Channel soon. God help us.

The Siren

At around 4 o'clock this morning the town siren went off. This is a siren that seems like it has been around before phones were invented. It goes off every now and then when there are emergencies. Supposedly, it gets all the volunteers and firemen to report to the firehouse. Mind you, I am not a fireman. I do not need a siren at 4am on a Sunday morning.

Why after a whole flux of cordless phones, the internet, pagers, and now cell phones does a fucking siren need to be blasting at all hours of the night? I'm sure they all have cell phones and can get the message.

Where I grew up there was a similar sounding siren that they tested everyday at noon because it was near a power plant. They had to test the siren daily to make sure the siren would sound before ou faces began melting off. So everytime I hear this one I jump like nuclear waste is flowing down my street.

So now whenever I am in my town and I see a fireman, I want to punch him in the face. Sure they are heroes, but a hero can use a broken nose every now and then. Fuckers.

Box O' Wine

What pathetic lush invented this shit? This is at the core of white trash culture along with trucker hats, Nascar, and fucking your sister. I am amazed that people really go out and buy it.

My neighbors above come home with a box o'wine everyday on their way home from work. Now mind you a box is 5 liters. That is worth two and a half bottles of soda. That is a lot of fucking shitty alcohol they consume per night!

I don't drink much alcohol, but when I do I like it to be something that is tasty. Granted I'll drink some shitty beer here and there if it is offered (or to get a buzz going.) However, spending your hard earned money only to piss it all away on crap on a daily basis is stupid. They should just give me the $8 and I'll piss in a box for them.

I do think that box o'wine is ok due to that since white trash love to get wasted so much and they usually become angry, this can help prevent damage. Instead of beating each other upon the face with a glass bottle, they can now throw the empty cardboard hoping to pass off a paper cut.

Poo Poo Pee Pee

As a man reaching the age of thirty soon, I sometimes reflect deep into my life and what it is becoming. I realize that I have accomplished some pretty cool things, and some things I need to work on.

One thing that bothers me (as a man in his late 20's) is that I have to go outside about 2 or 3 times a day and say (in a childish baby manner) "You wanna go poo poo pee pee" to my dog.

You have to understand that she is a tiny dog. She weighs all of 15 pounds or so and does not help to promote my masculine image to begin with. So to have to go outside and tell her to "poo poo pee pee" makes me feel like I checked my balls at the door long ago.

I had a long discussion with the wife about this. I want to just say "go take a shit. Go piss." My wife does not think that that is appropriate. Am I going to offend the fucking dog? Will she pick up my bad cursing habits? Ridiculous.

So now I am off to let out my dog. If you find my testicles or pride anywhere please feel free to mail them back.

Oreo Pizza

Remember the old Dominos Oreo Pizza commerials? That was my favorite ad of all time hands down. It was funny, awkward, bizarre all in one. That is the only ad I would sit through. When it came on I would laugh my ass off. I don't even know if they still sell it. I don't even care. I just want them to do more of these commercials.

The only recent commercial that slightly amuses me is the new T-Mobile Family Plan one. The dad comes home and says he got the new family plan. The mom says they can call friends. Then one son says "we can call Skinny Pete." The look the father gives the kid is classic. This commercial is good, but not dynamite.

The oreo one is great because they have fucking oreos hanging off their faces. The older dude is like the wise one. Then each shot his face changes. It goes from a moustache to a goatee to a full on beard. Fuck me telling you about it. Watch the damn clip. Classic.

The Big Apple

So it's no surpise that the New York sports teams fucking suck as a whole. The Giants are the only exception to this theory (for now.) They will probably suck with the others by the end of the season, but I'll let them have their moment.

I keep reading in the papers and hearing on t.v. all about sports in the "Big Apple." The funny thing about that is there are no teams that really remind me of an apple. You have that gay apple that lights up at Shea Stadium when a Met hits a home run. Oh....that's right, no more Shea. No more apple. There are no teams that have red. Even the Red Bulls (soccer team) wear a white jersey and a blue jersey.

The Yankees, Rangers, Giants, and Knicks all wear blue. The Mets wear black. The Jets wear green. I guess that can be like a Granny Smith.

In essense, the Jets are the only team that can truly represent New York's "Big Apple" image. Too bad they play in that cesspool New Jersey.

NKOTB

Has this world gone completely fucking nuts? New Kids On The Block decided to record a new album and tour again. They all pretty much suck and haven't done anything since they last graced us with their shittylicious presence.

The mind-blowing thing about this is people are actually going to go see them! Girls in their late 20's and early 30's are rapidly buying tickets to go hear songs that sucked in the late 80's. How goddamn depressing is that?

We are at the beginning of a terrible financial crisis and people are losing money and jobs at a scary rate. Millions of people will be affected and suffer a lot os losses. But don't worry America, the fucking New Kids On The Block will be ok now because of your stupidity. They'll live the high life again while you fight for that fryolator job at McD's. Jackass.

Papier de Toilette

Why do we still have problems and imperfections with toilet paper? With all the years and improvement in technology I still can't get the perfect roll? Always some sort of problem when dealing with this stuff.

Why can't you simply start a roll off perfectly? Why must that little tab break in half one way down so you only have half a piece. You rip and you rip so you have an equal piece, but you keep ending up with random shards of paper in your hands. Finally, when you equal it out, half the roll is wasted.

It's 2008. Toilet paper has been around since bread. I have no problems with bread. It's time for the toilet paper people to ge their shit together (no pun intended) and make it as deliciously easy as bread. Maybe not delicious...but you get my point.

(Un)Friendly's

You ever go to a place and feel that it does not live up to its name? That is how I feel whenever I walk into a Friendly's. That place is anything but Friendly. It doesn't matter if I got to one in the middle of a city or just somewhere in Shitsville, USA...these motherfuckers aren't friendly.

The first thing you notice in any Friendly's is that it has dim lighting to cover up that it is dirty as hell. They always have a sign up that says they will be happy to seat you. Untrue. They make you wait ten minutes before somebody bemoaningly comes over and throws you in a booth that still has straw wrappers on it and is right behind some annoying small children who like to kick the booth.

As soon as you pick up the menu you automatically feel the kethup, ice cream, snot, and general funk that people have been putting on it since the 30's. The waitress comes over 20 minutes later and you'll only see her when the food is dropped off and when she drops off the bill. Both times she will be annoyed about something and is probably praying for your slow and imminent death.

If you stay for dessert, make sure you order the "Cone Head." Back in the day it was called "Happy Ending" or some shit. It's a scoop of ice cream in a bowl with Reese's Pieces for eyes and a nose, whipped cream, and a chocolate dipped cone for a hat. They get pissed when I order this. Who cares how old I am? I just sat through your disservice, nasty food, and I want something I've had since I was four. Go get it and bring that shit back with a smile. Bitch.

Pissing On My Grave

Has anyone ever told you that they would piss on your grave? I think I've heard it a few times in my life and it doesn't bother me. It's not like I'm alive to feel, smell, or taste the piss. Why would I care?

Chances are if I were to have a grave, a bird will probably shit on it or an old person might bump their motorized wheelchair into it or something. Why would your piss be so disrespectful?

If you hated me so much why would you take time out of your day to drive all the way to the cemetary to douse me with piss? It shows initiative and some thought. I am touched that you thought about me. Just make sure not to get any on the guy next to me...he is from the 40's and they frown upon that shit.

The Mighty Ducks Sham

So years ago a classic movie came out called The Mighty Ducks. This movie was so big that Disney bought a real NHL team and named them the Mighty Ducks. Anyways, the movie starred Emilio Estavez as a rich white collar worker who is busted for drunk driving and has to do community service. He volunteers to be a kid's hockey coach for a bunch of little kids who suck at hockey and life. He has to face his inner demons, crappy past, and change these little fuckers into champions. He does. Sweet.

A couple of years after that the second movie came out and he is named the coach of the U.S. hockey team for the Junior Goodwill Games. He brings along his team and adds a few more crazy kids that have special skills to help them win. He gets all corporate, loses focus of the team, and they all begin to hate him. He finds himself and gets them winning and by the end they are the best team in the world. Fantastic.

The third movie came out a few years after that and the whole premise is that they all were accepted into a private school as the j.v. hockey team and they have to beat varsity. WHAT???? How do you go from the best team in the world to compete against varsity? This movie is as much a disgrace as The Next Karate Kid.

I really don't have much else to say about this. I think the posting speaks for itself. Good job Disney, you really know how to fuck things up.

Aerosol Shit Cans

Why do we have aerosol cans for after somebody takes a shit? What is the point? We have them in our house and I still don't get the point. It is ridiculous.

What is the point of spraying half a can of pine ice (whatever the fuck that is) to cover up your nasty fecal explosion?

First off you are helping to kill the environment faster. Secondly it still smells like shit. Now it smells like you ate five pounds of rotting pine cones and just shit it out. You're not fooling anybody.

Do us all a favor and either crack a window and/or light a match. If that doesn't work then feel free to pound yourself on the head with the aerosol can until you die and we don't need to worry about your stinky ass.