Swine Flu

The plague is among us! We are now hit with the swine flu. This is the distant cousin of our good ol' friend the bird flu that hit us a few years ago. The media is having a field day with this and they are praying for a lot of fatalities to help their ratings.

As I watch over and over again about this damn flu I have the same question everyone else has but is afraid to ask: who porked the pig? I mean I'm sure some lonely Mexican farmer had one too many shots of tequila and decided to party. Is it really that inconceivable? No.

Right now there is a huge drug war going on in Mexico. If the U.S. Government were smart they would find a way to get the sick people in with the big drug cartels and let them all die surrounded by snot rags. This way they can keep their flu in their own country.

Al Molinaro

A few months ago I was up late and watching t.v. There was nothing on that I liked so I watched an episode of the Odd Couple. It was pretty damn funny so now I watch it every now and then.
The show is pretty funny and the charaters are interesting to watch. The only character I can't stand is Officer Murray. He is their good friend who can't do anything right. Basically he is a moron. The problem is that the guy can't act. His whole character is based on overacting. He always has these moronic one liners that aren't funny and you just want to punch him in his elephant sized nose.

I don't know how this ass got so much work back in the day. He also starred in Happy Days as the owner of the kids' hangout. He also was in Weezer's Buddy Holly video. Look at the clip below. Go to 3:12 and you'll see what I mean. What an ass.

Ikea Lady

Over the years there have been many creepy mascots and spokepeople for companies. The Burger King guy is one of the creepiest to come out in years. Now there is a new one.

The other night while I was watching Scrubs the new Ikea commercial came on. It had an Asian woman doing shit in her kitchen and then out from a dark corner comes this old African American Lady.

She has a raspy voice and tries to sound all poetic and shit. The Asian lady doesn't see her. The African American woman keeps going on and on while the Asian moves around her.

It's bad enough we have mascots with creepy heads and fucking Ashton Kutcher dancing around like an ass with his camera. Why do we need creepy old people? It's bad enough we send them down to Florida to die, but why exploit their insanity?

$.50

Last night I was reading that a restaurant in NYC was charging $.50 per ice cube in their drinks. As ridiculous as it sounds, I am not surprised. It is New York for god sakes! I'm surpised they don't charge a quarter for the goddamn straw.

The best part of the article mentions that they have been doing this for years. All of a sudden somebody actually looked at what they were paying for? Or was it that most people that dine out at fancy restaurants don't give a shit?

If you choose to dine at an expensive restaurant in NYC then you should expect to lose a paycheck or two. If you are looking to save money go over to some greasy spoon over in Jersey where you can get your ice for free. It might not be fresh ice. It might even had been used to keep a snitch's body from decomposing. But it's free so quit your bitching.

Abandonment

My asshole neighbors moved out of their apartment about 2 weeks ago. This is the couple who lived above me and she was banging the Verizon guy. So her and her husband kept fighting and she moved out. Then she would get hammered and come by everyday and they would fight some more. So naturally the husband decided to move out of the apartment above me and go live with his wife in her new place.

When they moved in they had a cat named Oreo. Oreo was a cute and very loving cat (I know it's like an oxymoron.) They never told the landlord that they had him and after a few months of hiding him in the apartment they decided to let him live outside.

A year into them living in the apartment they found a kitten outside. This kitten had been born to one of the dirty neighborhood cats. Mt neighbors brought that one in an raised it until they felt it was a good time to let that one roan outside as well.

So now they are gone, but the cats are still here. The newer cat is fine and doesn't give a shit either way. Oreo seems lost. He sits outside on their driveway at night at looks down the street waiting for them to come home. Other night he can be seen lying on their doorstep.

I hate cats. I think I made that perfectly clear the other day. The thing is how can you abandon them? I know that cats can be outdoor animals, but Oreo was a people's cat. So now I am trying to find someone to adopt him. If not, he will be sold to the chinese restaurant down the block. I got bills to pay.

Little League

As a kid I played little league baseball. I was more into soccer but I enjoyed baseball as well. As an adult there is nothing more painful than attending a little league game.

I had to drive the kid I tutor to his game and watch it for an hour and a half. It was absolute torture. You have a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds who yell and cheer like they're big league players. The only problem is as soon as the ball is hit, nobody catches it. I mean the ball could be a light pop up and being heading directly into their mitt, and then they swat it away like they are being attacked by a fucking leper or something.

Another big problem with it the rules are turning these little bastards into pansies. Some leagues have a rule where if one team is batting and they get 5 runs in an inning the teams automatically switch sides. WHAT? If my team is kicking your ass you better believe we want to keep kicking your ass. When I was a kid they never pulled that shit. If you were loosing by 35 runs then it means you suck and should take up ballet or something. Or how about everyone gets a trophy? It's a real smack in the face if my team just kicked your ass by 35 runs and we have the same damn trophy. You gotta earn that shit! Otherwise why play at all? You should just lay on the field hocking loogies at the bees. Why not? You're all getting the same $.50 piece o' shit plastic.

Cats=Worthless

2am the smoke alarm in the downstairs apartment goes off. My wife and i scramble to figure out what is going on. My neighbor (whose apartment it is) is at work at the Mobil station.

I run downstairs to look in his windows to see if I can spot any smoke or fire. I see nothing. I run back upstairs and tell my wife that it looks normal in his apartment. My wife says she smells smoke so I run down to the basement (located right behind his apartment) and I smell a little smoke and the alarm is still going.

I look up Mobil's phone number and my wife calls. She tells him the alarm is going off and that she smells smoke. He tells her he never cooks and he can't leave his job. As she is on the phone with him the alarm stops and we don't smell smoke anymore. We stay up for awhile to make sure everything is ok.

Tonight "Dude" (as we call him to ourselves) knocks on my door. Speaking in a heavy Southern twang (he is from Texas) he says "Good thang ya'll called me last night. Turns out one of my cats turned on the stove. I had a plastic bucket sitting on the stove and it caught on fire. One of my other cats must've knocked it off the stove and on to the counter where it burned out. I got home about 5 hours later and the stove was still on high."

Now I have always hated cats. I think they are loveless worthless creatures (with the exception of some.) I can honestly say I hate them more now that my life was put in danger by one.

Another funny thing about this story is this guy always complains that my 15 pound little dog makes too much noise walking around our carpeted living room during the day. Aside from that who in their right mind would bother to go knock on their neighbor's door and own up to that? Why would you tell me that your cats set shit on fire? I didn't die and the house didn't burn down, I don't need to know your stupidity any further.

"Opening Day"

So this year marks New York's newest and finest examples of greed: Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. Only in this shithole of a city will you find major league teams financially molesting the fans during a fucking recession.

It's not bad enough that Citibank took a bailout package from Congress and kept taxpayer money to keep their shitastic name on the stadium, but they couldn't have picked a better team to support with their image. The Mets pump lots and lots of money into players and the results are usually pretty shitty.

I am sick of hearing about "opening day" at both of these places. Every night it seems like they are having some sort of opener. First it was a college team that played the "opening day" at Citi Field. Then the Mets played a couple of exibition games that were "opening day." Then the official start of the season was an "opening day." I am sick of fucking hearing it.

Maybe if the Mets and Yankees would focus more on getting decent players who could play as a team and not just be individual check-signers, then maybe they can get some asses in the seats to see their many "opening days."

Chia Pets

How the fuck are these still around? I don't understand the appeal and would never buy one. Anyone you talk to gets a good chuckle whenever you bring it up. But who the hell is buying this shit?

I remember this shit came out when I was a little kid. I was probably watching a new episode of Cheers or Empty Nest and I saw the ad. Even as a kid it looked stupid and seemed like something that would go away quickly.

Fast forward 20 years later and I still see those goddamn ads every now and then advertising some sort of mutant Chia. How? Are people watching tv and they see the ad and think "oh fuck I gotta get Betty that chia goat!" If so, those people should be tied, gagged, and have that chia solution poured down their throats until they choke on the growing plant. Now that is a punishment fitting the crime!

Cockbuster

Some moron questioned me a couple of days ago about my anger. They wondered why I have so much hatred towards people and things. Although that person helped to prove my point, I have a more troublesome foe that I am tackling with.

It all started Friday when the wife wanted to see Marley and Me. I went to the local grocery store where they have a RedBox and it was all out. My only other option was Blockbuster. I call it "Cockbuster" because the minute you go in there it feels like they are sodomizing your soul and you feel like less of a man.

Anyways, I walk into the store and of course there are 9 million copies of the movie on the wall. I go up to the counter and the guy tells me the movie is $6. I give him my debit card and he swipes it. After waiting for two minutes he says that they have been having trouble with the machine and that he has to swipe it again. He does and it freezes again. Some moron next to him tells him to automatically enter my card into the system. The guy does this and it works. I ask him if it charged me multiple times and he said "no." I checked the receipt and it said I was only charged once.

Fast forward to today and I am checking my account online and I see that I was charged twice. So I drive down to Cockbuster to return the movie and get my money back. The same moron who rang me up Friday says he doesn't remember the machine being down. I give him my receipt and tell him that I was charged twice. He calls over the acting manager who says "I don't know dude. It says you were only charged once. I would call your bank."
"What will my bank do?"
"They will give you your money back."
"But they didn't take my money, you did."
"I don't know man. Maybe it is your bank that takes things out twice."

My point here is that this world is run by fucking mental pygmies. When I have to spend my time trying to fix other people's wrongs so I don't get fucked I think I am entitled to be pissed. Go Netflix!

Taxes

This is the time of the year where you realize either how worthwhile or worthless you are in life. Tax season is really a big bunch of headaches that can either subside once you get a fat return, or kill you with an aneurysm once you see you don't even deserve enough back.
Rich people get fucked because they have to pay a lot of taxes. I don't cry for them because they are rich so they have money anyway. Plus, since they are so rich they find legal loopholes and pretty much fuck the system anyway.
I feel bad for people who work but don't get their taxes taken out of paychecks. Then when it is time for taxes they wind up paying. A lot of poorer people get fucked with this.
The people who get the best deal is the middle class who don't have a whole hell of a lot but can appreciate a fat return.
Anyway you look at it we are all paying for the rich motherfuckers who will screw up their companies and ask for us to bail them out so they can retire with millions in bonuses. Bastards.

Trojan Vibrating Touch

The other night I fell asleep on the couch with the t.v. on. I was awakened by a disturbing commercial that was playing at 3:30. This was so creepy and gross I vomited a little in my mouth before rolling over and passing out yet again.

So the commercial starts off with two women sitting at a hair salon. One is flipping through a magazine and starts to giggle. The other one looks and sees that it is a vibrating toy that goes on your finger. They begin discussing it and this nasty old lady is sitting behind them eavesdropping and occasionally rolling her eyes. The two women begin wondering out loud where they can buy it and the nasty old lady says you can buy it online because that is where she bought hers. EWWWWW.

The last fucking thing you want to think about when buying a sex product is some old broad who has to dig through cobwebs to get herself off. I wonder who the marketing geniuses are who thought of this. I also wonder if they were allowed to live. Good god I hope not.

Meg Ryan

Hatred. That is the only word to describe my innermost feelings towards Meg Ryan. I hate her movies and her one character. She makes Jim Varney (aka Ernest)look like fucking Charles Heston.
Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail are two of her biggest movies. The funny thing is You've Got Mail is basically an updated version of Sleepless in Seattle. She is struggling for love and finds it in an unsuspecting Tom Hanks. I hate Tom Hanks for being in these piece of shit, but he has some kickass films that need not be listed.
What else has Meg Ryan been in? Not much. But most of it is her playing the cute normal girl who falls for a guy. Time has put some wrinkles on that annoying face and she can't get those roles anymore. Take that bitch.
Look for Meg Ryan as a geriatric patient who gets set up by her asswiping aide with another patient (Hanks) at an exciting game of Bingo. It is called Lifeless in Fairmeadow.

Bunny Ears+Deer Antlers=ASSHOLE

So during the Christmas season I saw a distubing trend that started off slowly and then grew rapidly. It is those fucking antlers and red nose that people strap on to their cars to make it look like a reindeer. The majority of these people were minivan owners. It's bad enough you drive a minivan, now you made you car look even dumber.
Now these wastes of semen have found a way to annoy me in the Spring. There are bunny ears and bunny noses for sale that you can put on your car. What a way to announce: Watch out world! Here comes the asshole!
I think these people should be tied to their minivan as a motorcycle with sharp devil horns impales their ass. I think that would be more productive.

100 Posts

Today marks my 100th post. To celebrate it properly I think I will list 100 songs I absolutely hate in no particular order. Some songs are ok at first, then you hate them. These suck first time around. Enjoy! Or go fuck yourself!

1. Barbie Girl-Aqua
2. Mary Jane's Last Dance-Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
3. Runaway Train-Soul Asylum
4. Fly-Sugar Ray
5. Born To Be Wild-Steppenwolf
6. Losing My Religion-R.E.M.
7. Another Bites The Dust-Queen
8. Sledgehammer-Peter Gabriel
9. Wonderwall-Oasis
10. Don't Know Why-Norah Jones
11. Rockstar-Nickelback
12. Teenagers-My Chemical Romance
13. See You Again-Miley Cyrus
14. Don't Stop Til You Get Enough-Michael Jackson
15. I'm The Only One-Melissa Etheridge
16. Real World-Matchbox Twenty
17. What I've Done-Linkin Park
18. Human-The Killers
19. Pink Houses-John Mellencamp
20. The Reason-Hoobastank
21. Wake Me Up When September Ends-Green Day
22. Give A Little Bit-Goo Goo Dolls
23. I'm Only Happy When It Rains-Garbage
24. Bittersweet-Fuel
25. Praise You-Fatboy Slim
26. Paralyzer-Finger Eleven
27. Riders On The Storm-The Doors
28. Down With The Sickness-Disturbed
29. Accidentally In Love-Counting Crows
30. Heavy-Collective Soul
31. Lovers In Japan-Coldplay
32. Realize- Colbie Caillat
33. Sorry-Buckcherry
34. Born In The USA-Bruce Springsteen
35. Emotions-Mariah Carey
36. Who Says You Can't Go Home- Bon Jovi
37. But Anyway-Blues Traveler
38. Devils Haircut-Beck
39. Girls-Beastie Boys
40. It's All Been Done-Barenaked Ladies
41. Complicated-Avril Lavigne
42. Takin' Care Of Business-Bachman Turner Overdrive
43. Rag Doll-Aerosmith
44. Good Thing-Fine Young Cannibals
45. Fergalicious-Fergie
46. Gypsy-Fleetwood Mac
47. Hollaback Girl-Gwen Stefani
48. Scar Tissue-Red Hot Chili Peppers
49. I Kissed A Girl-Katy Perry
50. I Kissed A Girl-Jill Sobule
51. Pocketful Of Sunshine-Natasha Bedingfield
52. All Apologies-Nirvana
53. She Will Be loved-Maroon 5
54. Drive-Incubus
55. Hash Pipe-Weezer
56. Life In The Fast Lane-Eagles
57. SOS-Rihanna
58. Start Me Up-The Rolling Stones
59. I Believe I Can Fly-R Kelly
60. Love Story-Taylor Swift
61. Waiting On The World To Change-John Mayer
62. Fake It-Seether
63. Keeps Gettin' Better-Christina Aguilera
64. Change The World-Eric Clapton
65. Don't Go Breaking My Heart-Elton John & Kiki Dee
66. Love Will Keep Us Together-Captain & Tennille
67. Tearin' Up My Heart-*NSYNC
68. I Want It That Way-Backstreet Boys
69. Runnin' With The Devil-Van Halen
70. My Humps-Black Eyed Peas
71. Legs-ZZ Top
72. The River Of Dreams-Billy Joel
73. Let's Dance-David Bowie
74. Barracuda-Heart
75. Fly Like An Eagle-Seal
76. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
77. If-Janet Jackson
78. Been Caught Stealing-Jane's Addiction
79. Don't Speak-No Doubt
80. One Of Us-Joan Osborne
81. Sex And Candy-Marcy Playground
82. Virtual Insanity-Jamiroqui
83. I Hate Everything About You-Three Days Grace
84. Amazed-Lonestar
85. Just The Two Of Us-Will Smith
86. Dance,Dance-Fall Out Boy
87. Roxanne-The Police
88. Whip It-Devo
89. Everything You Want-Verticle Horizon
90. All Around Me-Flyleaf
91. Tom Sawyer-Rush
92. Hot Blooded-Foreigner
93. Are You Gonna Go My Way-Lenny Kravitz
94. Say My Name-Destiny's Child
95. Stacy's Mom-Fountains Of Wayne
96. The Way-Fastball
97. Rapture-Blondie
98. Carnival-Natalie Merchant
99. Something To Talk About-Bonnie Raitt
100.Black Velvet-Alannah Miles

St. Patty's Day

St. Patrick's Day is here again. It is always a festive day full of drunk assholes who wear a ridiculous green outfit for a laugh. For a lot of women this is the Halloween of Spring and they can be slutastic. This is also the only other time of the year(besides Christmas)where midgets are relevant.
What I find funny about working with children is they get all excited about St. Patty's Day and dress up in green. They talk about what a great day it is and how it is one of their favorite holidays.
Hold on there little Sally...you ain't got shit. This holiday is not for you. Mommy and daddy will be celebrating without you. You will have a fun night of watching Disney movies with your babysitter as mommy and daddy get wasted in some dive bar. Most likely mommy will flash the crowd as daddy and a bunch of construction workers take turns downing beers and motorboating her. Don't you feel like shit?! You're worthless today!

Extra Strength vs. Maximum Strength

So today I went to the store to buy my wife some Tums. I walked down the aisle and found a million different variations of antacids. Of course there were Rolaids and the store brand, but there were so many damn varieties.

When I was a kid I remember you had two different kinds of antacids: Tums and Rolaids. There were no fucking fruity flavors or added calcium. You got the straight up minty ass flavor and dealt with it.

Now you even get the different strengths of the antacid. I don't get that. You can choose from regular, extra strength or maximum. WTF? Why not just buy the maximum strength and knock that fucker out? Especially if you are thinking of buying the extra strength, that means that it hurts more than a regular pain. So why not be a trooper and throw down some maximum. I'm just waiting for the minimum strength to come out. Give it time...

K-Rock

Anyone who lives in the New York Tri-State area knows about K Rock. It is a station known for having Howard Stern on it for years before he took off for satellite radio. It is also one of NY's only rock stations that has songs from Led Zepplin to Rage Against the Machine....until today.

Today at 5pm they switched over to something called Now FM. It has a Top 40 format and features such shitastic artists like Justin Timberlake and Rihanna. Why the fuck do we need another station like this?

After Howard Stern left K Krock they bombed and made it an all talk station. Those motherfuckers finally wised up and went back to the old format. They also welcomed back Opie and Anthony to the NY market.

Now O&A are no longer on the radio and I can hear Disturbia nine million fucking times more a day. Whoopidty fucking doo!

Daylight Savings Time

What asshole came up with this idea? I absolutely hate it! I think we should have kept the clocks back and let nature take its course.

I think that DST began when a bunch of political head honchos were getting hammered one night and decided to play an evil prank on the first person that fell asleep. They all switched the clocks forward to pretend that he/she (see my PC there?) missed their meeting and was late to work. They then decided to keep it and make it more of a running prank.

Fast forward to now and I gotta lose a goddamn hour of sleep for this shit. I think we should keep that extra hour of darkness so it doesn't fuck up my schedule and cults can continue their sacrificing at a respectable hour.

Birthdays

If you think about birthdays it is a strange celebration. You are praised and congradulated for not dying.

When you are a child it is cute when you turn 1 and 4 and all those little ages. But when you go to college you realize that now you are just getting closer and closer to death.

You had absolutely no part in your creation. Two people got drunk and horny and nine months later you popped out. So why are you celebrated? You didn't do shit but come out for air. Fucking crazy.

Dark Temptation aka Chocolate Axe

How sad is it that for some men they need to smell like food to get some ass? WTF? This is the most ridiculous idea for a scent I have ever heard. What's next? Maple Syrup? Popcorn? Pizza? Where does it end?

I first read about this when they released it in England. Reading that it didn't bother me cause those motherfuckers will do all kinds of crazy shit. Then I heard it came over here and was being marketed.

It should be stated that my wife is a chocoholic. Everything is chocolate with her. I could cover a live mouse with chocolate and she'll eat it. This is even more reason for me NOT to wear this body spray. Last thing I want while I'm sleeping is to wake up with her gnawing off my arm or some shit.

I really hope this fad passes. I really hope it leaves before it even becomes a fad! I hope we wake up as a nation and realize that our bodies shouldn't resemble a fucking candy store.

Jimmy Fallon

Wanna know how to fuck up a show? Have Jimmy Fallon on it. He is sure to make it a craptastic shit sandwich.

On Monday he began hosting Late Night on NBC. This show was originally hosted by David Letterman and more recently Conan O'Brien. That was when it was funny.

I was a huge fan on Conan and thought his humore was hilarious. I never really liked Jimmy Fallon and felt that he was a watered down wannabe version of Adam Sandler on SNL. When he left SNL I figured he did it cause he was smart and figured out he sucked balls. I was wrong. He thought he could make himself the next big SNL movie star. Only one word is needed to describe that career: Taxi.

The only redeeming quality to his version of Late Night is that he has The Roots as his house band. They have a pretty cool opening theme and add some relevance. Other than that I hope he has Jack Hanna or Jerrod Miller on soon so maybe a wild chimp or bengal tiger can tear off his face and spare us more pain.

Twitter

I don't understand the fascination with this. Maybe I don't get it. To me it is a stupid idea and only assholes use it.

Why do I need to know what people are doing at all times? NOT AT ALL! Do I really give a shit? NOPE! Should these people have a jackhammer rammed into their skulls? YES!

If you are so damn interested in what somebody is doing why don't you just pick up your fucking phone and call them and ask them? Why do you feel the need to stalk them?

Twitter is the ugly redheaded stepchild of Facebook's "status update." Except it doesn't add much more than tell you that Lizzie is shopping for shoes. REALLY? Wow Lizzie is living the life! Look what I'm missing out on!

There are way too many stalking tools out there for people who need to know what everyone else is doing and for assholes who think that people really give a shit about their lives. WRONG!

Oh Deer...

So I read the local paper online everyday to see what is going on in my community. Every now and then I will read an article that just kicks around in my head all day. One that I cannot completely grasp.

Yesterday's paper had an article on a 19 year old man who was arrested for walking on the median of a highway near me. It wasn't just the fact that he was walking, he was covered in red paint and holding a deer's head and leg. I'll let you reread that and think about it for a minute...

WTF? For me the most disturbing thing(aside from the carcass carrying) is that he didn't just go one way or another. He didn't just cover himself in PAINT and carry a FAKE deer's head and leg. He also didn't cover himself in BLOOD and carry a REAL deer's head and leg. He went for the variety. He figured he would just mix it up a little.

I hope this fuckin' fruit loop either gets the help he needs, or maybe a chimp. The chimp will teach him a lesson on fuckin' with animals.

Capes

Why are capes only reserved to psychos and superheroes? I would love to strap on a cape and go to the grocery store. If I were to do this I would be looked down upon and people would laugh. Why?

Why is it weird to throw on a piece of cloth for style but acceptable to wear your baseball hat at a 15 fucking degree angle? How is that any better? How is a cape different from a windbreaker?

I would love to just wake up one day and be able to go out with my wife wearing a cape. We have a black president. Why can't we get our heads out of our asses and fully embrace the cape and monocle combo? Too much? Maybe just the cape for now. The monocle can wait a while...

Five Alive

Anyone who was alive in the early 80's should remember a weird ass drink called Five Alive. It was stocked in the juice aisle right next to the Orange Juice. Back then in came in two flavors. I have no idea what flavors they were but I know one came in a blue carton and other in a green carton. They also sold it in the frozen aisle next to all the other juice drinks that were packaged too much like biscuit tins.

They never really advertised it as much as Sunny D or Tang. It was like the red headed stepchild of all shitty juice wannabe drinks. I was never allowed to drink any of those drinks. When I got older and tasted them I think my parents weren't concerned about the sugar, but more that they were protecting me from nasty shit.

Anyone who was alive in the early 80's and have no idea what the fuck I am talking about is either an asshole or a Commie. Either way...YOU'RE AN ASS!

Baby Age

Does it ever bother you when somebody talks about their baby and they have to give the exact age in months? I can't fucking stand that! Why must we know the exact age of your mutant spawn? Why can't you round it like everyone else?

Is it a case of showing off? Are you so proud of yourself that you can add every month together to the sum of an age? When do you fuckers consider it appropriate to become normal and use years instead?

If your little shitbag is 23 months old, it is ok to refer to it as "2 years old." Tacking on an extra month is part of estimating...another important math skill. If your kid is 18 months old, I wanna hear it referred to as "a year and a half." The only time it is acceptable to refer to a month is within the first year. After that you're just an ass.

So if you're a parent and you're reading this...nobody gives a flying fuck the exact age of your child. Chances are it has a big head and resembles an alien. So please take everyone else into consideration when throwing your spawn's age.

Chocolate Skittles

Not too long ago the good people over at Skittles decided to dabble in the chocolate arena. They figured that they conquered all the different flavors and combinations of fruity deliciousness and needed something more appealing.

Chocolate skittles contained 5 different chocolately flavors: brownie batter, chocolate pudding, chocolate caramel, s'more, and vanilla. Yes vanilla. I never knew vanilla to be a kind of chocolate, but I'll roll with it this one time.

Anywho,this bag of shit colored candy actually tasted like shit candy. It was terrible. I gave it to my wife (who is obsessed with chocolate) and she only had about three pieces. Why fuck up a good thing? You dominate all the fruity flavors and combos. You don't need to enter the chocolate arena.

Now I only see the chocolate skittles in the 50% bin in CVS. Even then I think that is a ripoff. They should be giving us that 50% for eating it. Gross.

February F*ckups

So I was writing my blog on The Clapper last month and just when I was about to publish it my screen went black. I could not access the blog for about a month and for no good reason at all it began working today.

I figured I would take this time to sum up what has happened the past month or so. So much has happened and made me angry lately. Here is my analysis:

-So we had two fucking plane crashes. One landed safely in the Hudson River and the other not so safely in somebody's house. Both crashed in New York and now I am getting asked a lot less why I don't fly.
-Peanut butter is deadly. Apparently a factory in the middle of nowhere is filthy and has rats and mice shitting all over the place. So now we have a crazy salmonella outbreak. Fuckin' Jiff.
-Some lady had her face ripped off by a chimp. Rumor has it he did it with a top hat and diaper on while a cigar was dangling from his mouth. It must've been a cute brutal attack.
-Some crazy bitch in California decided to give birth to octuplets and use them as a way to beg for money and fame. I hope she is a big fan of peanut butter or violent chimps.

That is all I care to discuss. Piss off.

The Clapper

Anyone alive in the 1980's remembers those annoying commercials for The Clapper. The whole concept is you clap when you want your lights to either turn on or off. This was such a new and revolutionary idea back in the day. The commercial was corny and funny as hell.

Now there is a new Clapper. This piece o' shit is called The Clapper Plus. The thing that seperates The Clapper from The Clapper Plus is that The Clapper Plus has a remote control. Hmmmmm...

So if I had a fucking remote why would I need to clap? Wouldn't the remote cancel the whole idea of the clapping? And what about people with no arms? They can't clap or use the remote control. Fucked up!

Orange Juice

What ever happened to going down to the local store and buying a carton of OJ? When did you have to start reading the label and scientifically guess which one is right for you? IT'S JUICE FOR FUCKS SAKE!

I stopped by a bagel place this morning after running an errand for the wife. I was a bit parched and thought some delicious orange juice would help to quinch my thirst. All it did was give me a headache.

They literally had a fridge full of orange juice. All of it was made by Tropicana and they all looked pretty much the same. They had a bunch of them in the little cartons. The cartons had orange juice, orange nectarine, orange strawberry, etc.

I decided to get a 12 ounce plastic bottle. Seems like a simple decision. Nope. Now I had to decided if I wanted no pulp, some pulp, lots of pulp, or choke and fucking die on shards of pulp. You feel like once you pass that hurdle you are free. WRONG! Now you gotta decided if you want to stick with your pulp selection or go for one with added calcium. Since you are picking juice over milk, should you compensate?

I think we need to really need reevaluate ourselves and our stupidity. Why can't these poor little Mexicans down there in Florida just pick our oranges and squeeze them into a container for us? Why do we need to dissect each orange into a catergory? Christ.

Kix

"Kid tested, mother approved."
Fuckin' right it is! Growing up in the 80's I wasn't allowed the pleasures of Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp. I was only allowed Cheerios, Rice Krispies, and the occassional Honey Nut Cheerios.
Then came Kix. I still remember my very first bowl. It came out when I was in Nursery School. I was eating for breakfast right before my mom was about to drop me off, when all of a sudden I puked it back up into the bowl. Ever since then it was true love.
Tonight I went to the store to pick up some generic Coco Krispies that the wife has requested. I was walking down the aisle thinking about buying myself some Kix, when it dawned on me: There is no generic brand of it.
For the past twenty years or so there has been a big push in generic cereals. You can get anything from Apple Jacks to Peanut Butter Captn Crunch. Let's face it...who the fuck eats the name brand Peanut Butter Captn? Exactly.
How has Kix made itself a monopoly in the cereal world? How has it not let its deliciousness get copied? Are there sinister reasons behind it?
All I know is I really want a box of Kix so I can throw up happily. I do not want to shell out $4 a box because that vomit will not be the sweetness I fondly yearn for.

Yellow Ink

So today I was working with a kid I tutor and I had to write a note to his teacher. Somehow he did not have any working pencils or regular pens on him. All he had was this neon yellow pen.
I wrote one word down and I couldn't even read what I jusr wrote. Why the fuck do they make yellow ink? Seeing as though most paper is white, why would you sell a color that cannot be seen? For all I know there isn't even ink in that shit. They could have just sold an empty tube with a cap.
I am considering writing to the company in their own yellow ink. I will address the envelope with regular ink. Why torture the post office? I enjoy recieving mail. When the company recieves my letter they will see that there is a slight tint of color. They won't, however, know what the fuck I wrote.
I am hoping that they have to do many tests and bring in experts with huge magnifying glasses and special lights to read my message. I think my message will simply say something like:

Dear (insert asshole company name here),
STICK TO REGULAR FUCKING COLORS THAT PEOPLE CAN READ!

Sincerely,

Gouda McCheddar (have a good alias)

Conjoined Twins

I was reading an article online about these 18 year old conjoined twins. It said how they want to lead a "normal life" and get married. Yeah right. Who the fuck are they kidding?

One wants to be like a pilot or some shit and they other girl wants to be a teacher. Hey girls I got some news for you. Nobody is going to hire two heads on a body. Unless you dress up in a bathing suit with a boa attached and hang out with the bearded lady, nobody will hire you.

And they think they will get married? Who in their right fucking mind will want two girls ALL the time. I guess it would be cool for a little while but when you fight with one, the other one will be right there. Plus would it be considered polygomy? Is it a threesome? Or not because it is one body with two heads? Hold on....I gotta go puke....

Chain Mail

How many times a week do I check my e-mail and I have some bullshit that tells about some fucking kid with Leukemia and how reading his story will change me life...if I forward it to 10 of my friends. TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES!

I am so sick of receiving these goddamn things. Somehow I think my fate is not going to be determined by how many of my friends will read an uplifting story about some random shmuck. If that is the case, however, I am fucked.

About ten years ago I would read each one and say "Oh that is sad. Hopefully I can pass this luck on."

Five years ago I would see them in my mailbox and say "wow people still send this shit?" I would then automatically delete it.

Now I will open it, find the original person who sent it out and tell them that their e-mail changed my life. I will tell them how I did scroll down to the bottom (without cheating) and all my wishes did come true. I AM now head of my local KKK, I was able to get away with murder, and my kids will never recieve a dime of my money thanks to my fleeing the country.

Polly-O

Have you ever gone to the store craving string cheese? Me neither. However, my wife is obssessed with string cheese. She loves to peel it and devour that shit.

One time I went to the store and they didn't have Polly-O, the brand whose string cheese is the only one I ever purchased. I figured it is fucking cheese and the wife won't mind.

Fast forward 45 minutes as she pulled the plastic off her cheese log. The very first string went in and was spit out. She seemed to be gagging. She put the log o' cheese down on the table never to nibble it again. I tried one myself and it was awful. It tasted like I was chewing on some sweaty gym socks.

How the hell did one company put a monopoly on cheese? How did they take a basic ingredient and make it the only edible peeling cheese? I feel an investigation should be opened into this matter. I think this is the beginning of a massive sabotage and cover-up. Goddamn.

Birds

Last night I was at my mother in-law's house. She had a family reunion and it was fun. I like her family a lot and we had a good time. During this time there was a dvd that was played that had footage of my wife and her family from the 80's. It was cool to see everyone, but a lot of the video had footage of birds. Birds in trees, birds on the ground, birds in flight, etc.

I do not understand what the fuck is so special about birds. My wife's aunt and uncle are avid bird people. They love to go out and watch for birds and know all the different types and where they live. WHY?

My brother in-law informed me that they belong to a national group of some sort that once a year go and count birds and report their findings. This is crazy. Apparently people need to know how many cardinals are flying through my backyard.

I want nothing to do with birds. I don't care how pretty they are. I don't care how pretty their songs are. I don't care how big or little they are. Unless they are drenched in wing sauce and served with some ranch and celery sticks....fuck off!

Mr. Peanut vs. Monopoly Guy

Who do you think would win this epic battle? I have thought about this match for years. Everytime I imagined a place and style of fighting, I always had the Monopoly guy come out on top.

I think the Monopoly Guy is a fuckin' pimp. He makes millions off of selling hot ass properties. He pockets that shit and send proably half of it over to some sort of Swiss bank account. I also think that a man who can get that rich must have some brains and would know how to hand a beatdown to a fucking peanut.

Mr. Peanut looks like a fancy lad. He probably drinks lots of tea with his pinky extended and says "pardon me" all the time. Not only that, but he has a shell. I bet the Monopoly Guy can throw a bag of money at this little bitch and break his shell.

I think the only thing Mr. Peanut has going for him is his cane and monocle. That can might have some ammunition and his monocle might be some sort of cyber technology. That Mr. Peanut is a shifty S.O.B. But I still think the Monopoly Guy is favored over this little fruit...nut...whatever!

NASCAR

I'm not going to say that I hate just NASCAR, but the whole idea of race cars is fucking retarded. Why would I want to sit on my couch and watch 20 assholes drive around a circle for a couple of hours?

To me NASCAR runs along the same line as Budweiser, trailer parks, incest, underage pregnancy, and mullets (male or female.) Granted Budweiser is everywhere and lots of people drink it, but if it is combined with any of the other two...chances are they are obsessed with NASCAR and probably wrestling too.

I think it would be fun to be the driver going at a really fast speed. I'm sure it is a huge adrenaline rush and an amazing experience. That does not mean I would want to actually go to a race and watch people go round and round. I would rather watch my clothes do that in a dryer. At least I know THEY are clean.

Snuggie

Have you ever dreamed of coming home after a nice long day to change out of your workclothes and into a giant blanket? Ever dream of playing the role of a dirty priest? For any of you sick fucks that have, meet the Snuggie.

The Snuggie is constantly being shown on t.v. as a wearable blanket. It is such a creepy item. They show people of different ages, genders, and sizes wearing this thing and EVERY single one of them looks creepy.

The point of it is when you are watching t.v. and you move, the blanket might slide off or move too much. Also when you reach for sometjhing you might get caught up in a blanket. With a Snuggie it covers your body and has sleeves so you can grab items.

Besides the fact that you look like a fruity priest (with the variety of the colors of the rainbow)it is just a stupid idea. Who the hell is buying this shit? If your life is so fucking miserable because the blanket slides off your lazy ass while watching t.v. then you might have some real issues.

If anyone reading this ever decides to buy a Snuggie, please follow these directions:1.) Set yourself on fire.
2.)If that doesn't work call a friend or neighbor
3.)Have friend or neighbor tie the sleeves together
4.)Have them tie a few brick to the sleeves
5.)Kindly ask them to throw you in a deep waterway

Overpass vs. Underpass

What is the fucking difference? What genius named these god damn things? Why couldn't they just call it a mini-bridge or some shit? Probably because that would be too damn easy.

If you are driving and a road crosses above you, you are to simply refer to it as an "underpass." However, since it is above you it could be referred to as an "overpass" because it is OVER you.

Same is true if you are driving on a road and you drive over a road. You refer to the road you are on as an "overpass" eventhough a road is passing UNDER you. Couldn't it go both ways?

My question for you is: What is it called if you are not traveling on either road, but would simply like to refer to it? Answer me that! Fuckers!

World's Oldest People

So yesterday the World's Oldest Woman died at age 115. While this is sad, why the fuck is it news? I don't understand the media's love and obsession over this.

It feels like we get an update on a monthly basis on the World's Oldest Man/Woman. They proudly announce that one ancient person kicked the bucket and now somebody else is on top. About a month later that person croaks and they name somebody new.

Back in 2007 a woman from Connecticut was the Oldest Living Woman for four days! The previous person died and they made a big deal about this woman becoming the World's Oldest. Four days later she kicked the bucket and they went apeshit over the next fossil.

We really need to stop sensationalizing these people and just let them live...or die.

The "Red" Campaign

So the other day I went to the Apple store with a friend. She wanted to buy a new Ipod Nano because her other one had broke. She quickly found a red one she liked and went to the counter to purchase it. As she was paying the girl behind the counter said "a certain percentage of this goes to kids in Africa." I automatically shot her a dirty look and said "great. Just what they need is another fucking gazelle."

Seriously. We live in a country where there are starving, homeless, uneducated children right down the street. Why is a percentage of my money going to Africa? What percentage? You know how much money they spend on advertising campaigns? PROBABLY MORE THAN THEY DONATE! So essentially my money would go towards telling people to donate.

I am so sick of hearing about the "Red" campaign. I think if we really want to help these kids in Africa we should send over all the leftover fruitcakes from the holidays. That way we don't have them, our homeless kids won't have to suffer, and we can say we are really feed those Africans (even if they don't like it.) Beggers can't be chosers Mutamba.

Dick Clark

Can there be a more depressing way to ring in the New Year than watching Dick Clark? Seriously. He needs to retire forever and let that craptastic shitbag Ryan Seacrest takeover.

I have respect for Dick Clark. He is an icon and I have a lot of respect for him in general. It takes a lot of courage for somebody to go through something like that to appear on national t.v.

My problem with it is as the years go by I am not getting any younger. You start thinking things like "oh fuck, I'm gonna be 30 this year" or "I need to start getting prostate exams." This is not easy shit to think about. You want the new year to be a party and be excited about it.

Looking at Dick Clark is basically like watching Amy Winehouse do the countdown. You know you shouldn't laugh, but you can't help but let out a slight giggle. Also, he is still counting down 5 minutes into the New Year. Time to limp out of the business Dick. Happy New Year.