Keyboard Numbers

Why the hell are there two sets of numbers on a keyboard? Are you that fucking lazy that you can't reach up on top of the letters to reach your precious numbers? I never even use the right side of my keyboard.

Every now and then I might need the services of my arrow keys. Other than that I don't even know why that shit is there. Couldn't we get rid of that side and make it more compact? Numberlock? When do I need to lock my numbers? What the fuck for?

I think in this horrific economical abyss we are falling into, the computer companies should get their shit together and stop wasting time producing all these extra numbers. Save time, money, and energy and rid the right side completely. Use those resources to make a keyboard that needs no touch. It can just read my mind and type what I am thinking. So what I am writing now would be by thought. So would this. And this. This I would type manually to make a point. But here I go again using my mind and not fingers to type. Double numbers...

Peanuts

I was flipping through the channels tonight and I saw a Peanuts movie on. It was one of my favorites as a kid. I loved Snoopy and all those little snobby bastards he hung out with.

As an adult I find these cartoons to be rather fucked up. Everyone always comments on the lack of adult supervision or the "wa wa wa wa" dialect that the adults speak. This is disturbing, but that angle of it has been beaten to a pulp. I see some other troubling things.

The first thing that troubles me is Snoopy's collar is way too tight. I bet if you looked under it you would have some of the worst rugburn ever. How the ASPCA hasn't come over and removed him is amazing. It is also amazing that he is allowed to freely come and go as he pleases. There are no set boundaries for him. Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer would get his ass in gear.

Aside from these kids being left alone all day, what about Pigpen? You mean to tell me this little ball of dust and shit hasn't been scooped up by CPS? The kid is literally a mound of dirt and nobody ever thinks to call the proper authorities?

Lastly, why are the girls freely allowed to chill with the boys alone? Sally loves Linus and you know Charlie Brown was drugging Lucy and hitting that. If these kids can recite Yeats poems and play Beethoven, then they damn well can play hide the salami.

Basically if you have a kid that you like to leave home all day and night unsupervised alone with a dog and a revolving door of friends, then at least have them shower every now and then. Also, leave a box of condoms. Be safe you negligent fuck!

Tramp Stamps

Some girls wake up in the morning and decide "I'm going to get a corny tattoo right above my ass. That should get me some attention." Truer words have never been spoken. But why?

Chances are you are already getting attention if a guy is staring at your ass. A butterfly, rose, fairy, or asian symbol nobody (including you) knows about is not needed.

There are plenty of females who would argue this and say they did it because it would "look cute" or that "I just like the way it looks." Bullshit. You know you did it to get attention. Just like the low cut tops, whale tails, and tight ass jeans. Attention.

So ladies, if you have a trampstamp or are planning on getting one please at least be truthful about it. You don't want to be a liar on top of being a filthy whore.

Updates

As a society we are way too excited to update people with our lives. We feel the need to go out of our way to tell people what we're up to or what is going on with our lives. What we need to figure out soon is that nobody gives a shit.

A guy my parents were kind of friends with back in the day used to make a fucking bi-yearly newsletter telling us all about his job, his wife, the kids, and their dogs. WHY? I have enough useless bathrrom reading, it's called the Pennysaver.

The newest way of constantly updating people is on social networks like Facebook. You can change your status whenever you want and let people know what is going on. This has gotten way out of hand.

I know people that feel the need to change their status at least 4 times a day. "I am in the shower." "I am going to drop my coat at the dry cleaners." "Going to go to happy hour with the girls. LOL. WASTED!" Do these people really think we give two shits? Am I sitting at my computer saying "oh so the girls are going to the bar to get wasted. Why that is funny!" NO!

If you are going to give somebody an update, make sure they ask for it first. If not, you better make it something interesting like: a midget is running around in a giraffe costume on your lawn. Then I'll care.

Whale Wars

T.V. is fucking out of its mind these days. I started watching this show Whale Wars on Animal Planet and it blew me away. Not because it had to do with whales or the preservation of whales, but because the humans involved are fucking nutballs!

There is a crew of volunteers who belong to an organization called Sea Shepard. They go out on this boat called Steve Irwin and they sail to Antarctica. The reason for doing this is that Japan "illegally" hunts and kills whales. These freaks go and stop them.

On the Steve Irwin they have small inflatable boats that they use to go closer to the big Japanese whaling ships to harass them. They throw some sickening chemical on to the deck of the whaling ship. They also throw ropes and shit into the propellar of the big ship to stop it.

The first day they found the whaling ship, two Steve Irwin members decide it would be a good idea to go up to the whaling ship and jump on to it to "deliver a letter." They are tied to the ship and kidnapped for 3 days.

The captain doesn't seem too phased that two of his men are in enemy territory. He is more worried about the damn whales. He calls the media and uses the kidnapping as a way to get media attention. The captain's name is Paul Watson and he co-founded Greenpeace but got the boot. I'm sure it's because he is an insane fucking moron.

I agree that whales shouldn't be hunted. I don't, however, think that we should sacrifice the lives of other humans to get publicity about what a great person I am for saving the whales. I hope somebody harpoons this motherfucker.

Barry

Somebody's gotta stop Barry Manilow. I know he wrote the songs that make the whole world sing and shit, but he is out of his fucking mind.

I recently stumbled upon an ad plugging his new album. It is him singing the "greatest" song from the 80's. Not only are they the worst songs from the 80's...Barry makes them even fucking worse! Like that shitastic song from Dirty Dancing, Barry makes it sound like nails on a chalkboard. Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting...fucking awful!

The worst part is that this is not the first time he has done this. He has done this for every decade since the 50's. The most pathetic one is the 70's. About 75% of the album is Barry Manilow covering Barry Manilow. You gotta have some pair of balls on you to label your songs the "greatest" of a decade and just re-record them with "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

We really need to stop this shit before he touches the 90's. I can't hear a shittier version of "I'm Too Sexy." Please make him stop!

Breeding

So I work with this kid after school for some extra money. I am supposedly his tutor and my job is to help him focus and complete his homework. I will probably have a lot more to write about this subject another time.

The kid's parents are divorced. The dad is a cop about 2 hours away and the mom apparently doesn't have a job. She likes to "breed" yorkies.

When I started working there a couple of months ago they had 8 annoyingly loud yorkies that would bark. They are now up to 16. Pretty soon all of the puppies will be running around and barking with the other dogs. Holy fuck.

My problem here is that the 8 original dogs all live in their own filth. They run around and shit and piss all over everything and then roll around in it. They are not what people are looking to buy. So they fuck each other and have more puppies to stink up the joint. Now you will have 16 hairy balls of shit and piss running around like maniacs. No one will want to buy these dogs. It will go on and on and on and....

My point is this: Just because your dogs can keep fucking and multiplying, doesn't mean you're a breeder. It means you're a lazy ass who should get rid of all the dogs and get a fucking job!

Extra Fingers

I heard recently that the new Bond girl was born with 6 fingers on each hand. That is pretty fucking cool. Imagine all the possiblities/difficulties of having extra digits. No? Well I have and here is what I thought of:

When learning to count as a child I'm sure she did better counting up to twelve than all the other kids. Being a person who is horrible at math, that would have been key.

I'm sure it was hard to find mittens. Do you double up in one finger or just wear gloves all the time?

However, I'm sure you have more leverage and a better grip when throwing snow and/or meatballs at people's faces.

What if there was an emergency and someone was dying and you had to reach in their open chest to massage their heart to start and there are small latex gloves that in no way would fit an extra finger? I'm sure that would be a tough call.

When the person is pissed which one is the middle finger? Do they just raise both fingers together? I think that would come across pretty clearly.

Now that I think about...that is fucking creepy. It sounds horrible and I hope to never have to encounter one of these freaks. I especially hope to never shake a mutant hand, they might have a supergrip that rips my arm off. Fuck that's scary!

Sea Monkeys

As I grow older I look back at my childhood and wonder what the fuck people were thinking. I remember seeing ads in the back of comic books for Sea Monkeys. I remember asking my parents constantly to let me buy it and my dad always saying "it's a load of crap."

Now as an adult I still want them. My only reasoning is that it is fucking stupid and I would just like to see my wife's reaction to coming home from work and seeing them hatch on our kitchen counter.

If you don't know what sea monkeys are or have never seen them they are brine shrimp that hatch when you put them in water. The ads used to use these cartoon sperm to help sell them to children like me.

Maybe I'll fall in love with them and make a magical sea monkey village and museum where I can charge admission. Maybe $6 for adults and $2.50 for kids up to age 11. Kids under 2 will be free of course. We can have a snack bar, gift shop,and interactive show.

The place would be called Sea Monkey World. We would use the Sea World sign but put a little carrot in between "Sea" and "World" and spraypaint in "Monkey" all classylike.

Hey, if Dolly Parton can open a boobtastic theme park, then I'm sure my magical land of Sea Monkeys will flourish.

Men's Mags

So yesterday I went off on a rant about women's magazines and how much they suck. Men's mags aren't much better. It is filled with lots of useless crap that makes us look like morons for reading it.

When you walk down the magazine aisle Maxim always sticks out. There is always a scantily dressed female on the cover doing something seductive looking. Maybe she is doused with water. Perhaps she is riding a mechanical bull in a miniskirt. You get the point.

The content inside the magazine is useless filler crap. You have a spread of the girl on the cover and an interview in which the reporter tries to get the most dirty secrets out of her. There is some sort of flirtation where the reporter makes it seem like they might have a shot at nailing her.

The rest of the magazine is filled with content that is supposed to be appealing to everyday men. From how to get a bullet out of your face only using a quarter and a lighter to picking up girls at a mental institution. WHAT? If you are getting shot in the face I don't think the first thing you will do is reach for a quarter. Most likely you will be lying on the ground bleeding to death. If you need to pick up girls in a loony bin, you got some shit you need to get resolved.

Not all men are interested in new ways to lift weights. Anyways, anyone who knows me knows that I have a lifelong pass to the gunshow. We all don't care about the engines and horsepower of a Saturn Sky (this will be mentioned in a future post.)

Men have to stop paying for this shit. You can get all the useless information you need on the internet. Life is not only about looking at hot girls. Educate yourself. Learn about different cultures and their lifestyles. May I suggest a few hours of Telemundo?

Women's Mags

Warning: I am not trying to be sexist. If you are offended by my choice of gender magazines, go throw youself in a vat of acid. However, to be fair I will point out the stupidity of men's magazines tomorrow.

I read Rolling Stone. I have had a subscription for years. A few years ago I got my wife the magazine Jane. Jane does not exist anymore so I was offered Glamour instead. I said "no", but they send it to me anyway.

Glamour is a god awful magazine. Like Elle and all those other bullshit mags, the models are disgustingly thin and wearing shit nobody would ever wear. I don't understand why women would pay $5 to read a magazine that makes them look fat.

Women's mags are also full of ads. If you open one up, the first actual page of magazine is somewhere in the middle. The first 20 pages are all waifs laying on a canoe wearing ridiculous outfits.

I also find the articles to be humorous. Every single month they have the "Sexual Secrets Your Man Craves" or some shit like that. The articles are always written by women who have no fucking clue what we want. One might say "Your man craves something new. Try eating a bologna sandwich or hamburger before going down on him. He'll love your out-of-the-box thinking." WHAT? Are you blowing the fucking Burger King? Ronald McDonald?

If you want to know what your man wants in bed, open your damn mouth and ask. You don't need to hear it from Suzie Johnson who claims to know what we want.

By buying these magazines you are helping to feed the models crack addiction (you know they ain't eating), make men rich, and feed into the stereotype that make-up and clothing are all a woman thinks about(besides bologna blow jobs.)

Deer Xing

Why do we have deer crossing signs? Are there little paths that humans set up for them to safely cross a road? Why are these signs yellow? Did the deer have a say in any of this?

Deer crossing signs drive me nuts because you never see any fucking deer near them! Any time you see a deer it is always running across the street near no signage.

I guess we expect them to see the sign and slowly walk over to it and run across from that point. There is one problem with this line of thinking...deer can't read human. Not English, Spanish, German, Latin...nothing.

I think the government can save a lot of money by just posting one deer crossing sign at the beginning of a road or highway and have it with the deer running and something underneath it like (next 200 miles.) Then they wouldn't be such dirty fucking liars.

Cheating

So on Friday I was home early and I heard my upstairs neighbor run down her stairs, unlock the front door, and then run back up. About ten minutes later I hear somebody walk up the stair. I had music on and was writing an e-mail to a friend at the time. About twenty minutes later I hear my neighbor screaming "oh my god" and "YES YES YES" amongst a lot of moaning and groaning.

After a few hours I see the fellow (who is not her husband) walking down my street. I felt horrible for her husband. He could be the biggest douche of a husband, but does he deserve that?

Anyways, they have been screaming a lot and tonight as I was watching tv I heard him yell "I know he is here all the time. People tell me he parks his truck down the street and walks." So she screams at him that nothing happened, but she wants to be with the other guy.

If you are already busted for having a guy park his truck a mile away and everyone sees him come to your house and stay for hours, shouldn't you just 'fess up to the truth? Especially after you tell the other person that you want to be with the other man and not your husband. It might not hurt much more to just admit you had his dick in you.

People are fucking crazy. I don't condone cheating, but if the husband stays...he has a right to get fucked over again...literally.

Bars

I think bars are fun only in certain situations. The first and most important one is that you are single and want to get some ass. The second is if you are meeting a big group of people. A good example of this is meeting co-workers on a Friday after work for happy hour. The third is some sort of event like karaoke or a wet t-shirt competition. All understandable.

What I don't understand is why people chose to go and spend their whole paycheck standing in a crowded shithole screaming back and forth to their friends. I mean you go to a bar and spend $5 for a bar (plus tip) when you could spend that for a six pack at home.

I understand people like to socialize and all, but small crowded bars are ridiculous. You know the ones, where you are pushed up against the jukebox with your hand unwillingly on some dude's ass and you have to wait for some movement in the crowd before you have enough room to pick up your glass to take a sip of your beer.

So if you ever see me at the bar it will be for a good reason. Either I was kidnapped or I am wasted already. Fuck you for judging me!

Fecal Art

I read an article recently about the legitamacy and beauty of fecal art. For some of you who have the IQ of a gnat, fecal art is the art in which shit is used. After reading this article my head almost imploded.

It amazes me that our society is so fucked up that they think that last night's pot roast and corn is art just because it is splattered on a canvas. Why do people buy it? How can they pay good money to see it hanging in a gallery? Where do I sign up?

Do people go to these galleries and pick apart the brain of the artist? Do they say things like "this piece is an example of angst and desire" "the artist lusts after another" "phenominal use of shading and design!"

I worked with troubled kids for years and the guideline for kids who played with shit or smeared it on things is that they were sexually abused and fucked up. What message are we sending these kids by saying that it is wrong to smear shit on things unless it involves a canvass and can be sold in a gallery?

Seriously, if people pay a lot of money to see shit on a canvas, then I am literally flushing down my future kid's college education everyday. Basically, we all have the tools and potential to be artists. Mom would be proud of her lil artist.

Bad 'N Shitty

Now that Halloween has passed and we now have officially elected the first African American president, I feel it is time to rant on an important issue...licorice.

Black licorice is disgusting. It tastes like you are chewing on an old man's shoe. The taste is horrible and you spend so much time chewing it for nothing pleasurable in return.

Red Twizzlers are ok, but i prefer the shoestring cherry ones. They have taste and I like that I don't feel like I did all that work for nothing. I gots minez!

After working with children for so long I always notice that after Halloween kids always try to trade away Good 'N Plenty for something more pleasing. You just have bags of candy lying around filled with this shit. Even first graders aren't dumb enough to trade away their crappy Milk Duds for an even crappier Good 'N Plenty.

Why do people buy this shit for halloween? Have you ever seen anyone actually purchase it at the store to eat themselves? No. They only buy it for Halloween to give away. You sadistic fuckers. I think the kids will agree that they would rather get nothing than crap in a box.

We live in a new time. We have a new president. We are in the beginning stages of a financial meltdown. Please do your part and don't buy Bad 'N Shitty. If you do, make good use of it and shove it up your ass.

Get Yo Ass Down To Vote!

With our economy in the shitter and our international image damaged, we need to speak up as a country and vote. Today is the day for people to voice their opinions and help to make a change.
Four years ago we had a choice between two douchebags of different parties. There was not much of a difference between both of them and I think Kerry would have been just as moronic as Bush has.
If you can legally buy cigarettes and porn then get your ass down to vote. If you were too fucking lazy to register in the first place, you should be lined up behind an old storage shed and put down. You're useless and a drain on society.
Make sure you vote for who YOU think the best candidate is. Don't go by mom, dad, your loser fucking boyfriend, dying uncle Ned. You should think for yourself. Also, does it really matter who Nelly is voting for? I mean, where the fuck has he been for years? Celebrity endorsements are a joke.
Now, I have always been an independent and look at the candidates and their agendas. I have been outspoken about how I am voting for Obama, but I am not here to give my two cents. I hope you get off your lazy ass and vote. If you don't vote, hopefully you are leaning more towards McCain. Asshole.

Breaking da Law

So today I drove into the wonderful shithole called New York City. A place I feel has the appeal of wooden toilet paper. I hate New York, but I will get into that another time.

Anyways, I was driving to JFK Airport to pick up a friend. I am on the phone with my dad on my bluetooth. For some reason the bluetooth was not working properly. I turned it off and spoke to him without the bluetooth. I was at the Whitestone Bridge sitting in traffic and not moving. While sitting going 0 miles per hour, a scummy looking bridge cop puts his head in my window and says:
"Excuse me sir, do you need me to call 911 for medical assistance?"
"Nope. I'm all good" I told him.
He peers into my backseat and starts looking around.
"You sure sir? You don't need any medical attention."
"No."
"Well sir, the reason I am asking is because you are currently on a handheld device while operating a vehicle" he says in a dickhead manner.
"I am holding a phone, but I am not driving" was my retort.
"Is your car in 'drive'?" He says this while leaning his greasy head further in.
"Yes."
"Then sir, you are operating a vehicle."
"OK."
"Are you going to hang up your phone or do I have to write you a citation?"

So I hang up the phone and pull up to the tollbooth. The pleasant hag manning the booth gave me a dirty look to which I said:
"5 Dollars just to cross a bridge!!?"
"It's better $5 than the $95 you would have paid for talking on your cellphone!" She yelled this at me as if to scold me.
"Well anything above 50 cents is too much to pay for this scumbag city and all it's inhabitants" I said angrily.
"Whateva! Na ah!"
"Fuckin' moron" as I sped away.

The moral of this story is that New York is a shithole. You pay $5 to cross a bridge with craters the size of buses which your money is supposedly going to repair. You have cops who are deemed useless and sent to patrol the bridge for "handheld device violations." And then you have the old lady who realizes that her whole life is based on taking the money that I purposely just sneezed on. Bitch!