Sluttyween

Somewhere between 13 and 16 Halloween takes a turn. Guys always do stupid costumes and girls (for the most part) dress likes they are ready to be knocked up on the spot.

They continue to dress this way into adulthood and sometimes into their middle ages (if their looks hang on.) Since when did a cowgirl's skirt become so low that I can see lippage? I met the devil and I don't remember him having long blonde hair and supple breasts. And the girl scout? That is some twisted shit! Are you out to seduce the kid diddling psychopaths that get turned on by little girls?

Halloween for little kids is always fun, but let's face the fact that when you hit a certain age it's all about getting ass. Happy Sluttyween.

World of Warcraft

I am a fan of video games. I like to play a good game or two when I am in the mood for some killin'. However, nerds across the world unite all day and night to play World of Warcraft or as they call it "WOW."

My wife is one of these nerds. I will come home from work on some days to her talking into her headset about wind power and fire power. She will meet people in imaginary lands and do missions. This will continue on until 3 in the morning.

Basically I am married to a nerd. I don't need to go any further with this. I think I will get her a pocket protector for her Xmas stocking.

Mystery

With Halloween a few days away I figured I would write about this freakshow. VH1 gave this guy Mystery his own called the Pick Up Artist and it has him teaching a bunch of losers how to pick up women. The concept is cool, but THIS guy is an expert? WHAT THE FUCK?

First of all he always has a set of googles on his head. Unless he is some sort of red baron and he just flew in after a raid on the Germans there is no need for them. He is also sickly and pale. He should look into ditching the googles and goth gear and go outside and get some sun. I do not endorse a fake tan. You should know this.

Secondly, he uses all these little terms and phrases that are just plain moronic. When you move in on a woman in a bar and begin talking to her it is called a "set." When you get either verbal or non-verbal ques that someone is interested it is called an Indicator of Interest or IOI. Mystery loves to use this term.

Besides the goth look, the googles, the black nail polish...this guy is gay. I'm sorry, but the only reason he gets women to talk to him is that they do not feel like he is a threat. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but there is something wrong with lying to the nation to help out some nerds. What a sham.

Allison

So I recently saw an episode of Intervention that made me laugh so hard. Of course I felt bad for this girl in some way, but she was too crazy. Her addiction was computer cleaner. She buys up to 10 cans a day and inhales all of them. She was insane.

I have watched Intervention a few times and every now and then I'll get a chuckle or two, but nothing like this. I highly suggest looking this episode up. I know it will be on in the next few days. If you miss it look for it on youtube or something.

What idiot invented this shit? Who thought it would be a good idea to breathe in computer cleaner? I hope that person died a painful and meaningless death, but their innards are clean as a whistle.

Here is a video tribute to Allison I found to give you a taste:

Fabulous

How the hell did a sexual orientation steal a word and declare it its own? How the hell can you do that? Is that legal? Who said they could do that?

I have nothing against homosexuality. But I do have something against them claiming words like a free agent in a baseball waiver and making me look like an ass if I use it.

Why "fabulous?" It seems like such a fun and exciting word to use...only I wouldn't know. I have been trained by society not to use it at all costs. If I ever let it slip out of my mouth, you better believe people would think I like am a little light in the loafers.

I think we should negotiate with the gays and try to get that word back. Maybe we can make a deal. We could give them "malnourish" and/or "tubular." I think it would be a fair trade...let's hope it's not too late.

Tanning Salons

Unless you have some sort of medical condition that prevents you from going outside or your skin pigment is fucked up, why the fuck do people tan in a store? This is the most ridiculous shit ever. You people are the reason that the pet fucking rock was such a hit.

I know people who go tanning 12 months a year and they either look like they fell in some strange orange toxic liquid or that they had their skin replaced by leather. Either way, not a good look. People who get fake tans are like guys who wear toupees...we all know it's fake and we laugh and make fun of you behind your back.

If it is summertime and the sun is beating and it is 95 degrees outside, put on a bathing suit and sit in the sun for a little while. You will save some money (which makes sense in a fucking recession) and you will also not be such a conforming prissy douchebag.

If it is winter and you live in some sort of sub-arctic region where there is little sunshine and people know you have not been in Jamaica for the past two months, let it go. You do not need to look like burnt turd in a snowstorm.

I think anytime I see a fake tan I might just pour a huge bucket of water on their head. I figure they like simulated light, so I'll give them simulated rain. Fucking pathetic...

Certified Escort Vehicle Driver

This is the job to have. I totally fucked up in life. If I could turn back time and smack the hell out of my old self and change professions, this is the road I think I would take(no pun intended.)

These are the people you see who drive the cars or trucks on the highway in front of and behind a "Wide Load" truck. How fucking easy is that? Your only purpose in life is to tell people "hey shitlick, watch out for the giant fucking house on a truck behind me!" I could do that.

I wouldn't mind getting some XM radio in there and hitting the road in front of the house truck. Sometimes maybe the driver for the car/truck behind the house truck could fuck with people. Maybe we would sandwich a moped so it would say "Wide Load" on our trucks, but we would be escorted a shitty bike. Maybe we would also ge tthe driver of the house truck to park in the middle of a highway and we could pretend to be "living" in the house. I think people would love to see a show. Especially if they are stuck in traffic due to a giant fucking house blocking their way.

Religion

I am not religious at all. I personally think that religion is a crutch for some insecurities in one's life. It doesn't matter which religion it is, I am not a believer.

I got home tonight to a pamphlet that was left on my door all about god and how we are paying for our sins through pain and suffering. I wish these fucking godknockers would skip my door every once in a while. A perfectly good piece of paper was wasted on this nonsense. Maybe not wasted...I could use it as toilet paper.

Anyways, Jesus was a Jew. He died for the sins of the world. Did he go to heaven or hell? I thought Jews go to hell. So wouldn't he go to hell? These people need to get their stories straight.

Don't get me wrong. If you believe in religion, that is cool. I'm just not a believer. Unless you have money or a midget, don't knock on my door.

Satellite Radio

Why is there a Kenny Chesney channel on XM? Are they out of their fucking minds? There is also an AC/DC channel. How many times in an hour can I listen to "You Shook Me All Night Long?" Seriously that shit is moronic.
I rented a car this weekend to go up to Rhode Island for the weekend. I love satellite radio but could not figure out why these stations are even broadcasted. I understand that some French Canadian might be in the car and want to listen to the French Canadian station. Maybe someone in Delaware wants to know what the weather is like in Tampa so they listen to the Tampa weather channel. But Kenny Chesney?
If you need to listen to Kenny Fucking Chesney all day, feel free to lock yourself in a soundproof room with his cd on repeat. Before the end of the day, please make sure you slit your wrists. Thank you.

The Weather Channel

What a waste of a station. Who the fuck needs to know what is going on in Silver City, New Mexico at any given time or any given day? I don't even think the people that live there really give a shit. If they stick their heads out the window and get wet they might assume it is raining.

Everytime I turn on this channel to see what the weather is like outside, they are always talking about someplace remote and far far away from where I live. I also never seem to turn on the t.v. at the "8's" when they show my forecast.

Who sits at their t.v. and watches this station? Are there die hard fans who have nothing better to do? I think staring at a clock is more entertaining. I can get my weather and forecast on that local community station that lists a schedule all the shows that they supposedly show. I will do a blog on that channel another time. I'm also willing to bet we will see a Traffic Channel soon. God help us.

The Siren

At around 4 o'clock this morning the town siren went off. This is a siren that seems like it has been around before phones were invented. It goes off every now and then when there are emergencies. Supposedly, it gets all the volunteers and firemen to report to the firehouse. Mind you, I am not a fireman. I do not need a siren at 4am on a Sunday morning.

Why after a whole flux of cordless phones, the internet, pagers, and now cell phones does a fucking siren need to be blasting at all hours of the night? I'm sure they all have cell phones and can get the message.

Where I grew up there was a similar sounding siren that they tested everyday at noon because it was near a power plant. They had to test the siren daily to make sure the siren would sound before ou faces began melting off. So everytime I hear this one I jump like nuclear waste is flowing down my street.

So now whenever I am in my town and I see a fireman, I want to punch him in the face. Sure they are heroes, but a hero can use a broken nose every now and then. Fuckers.

Box O' Wine

What pathetic lush invented this shit? This is at the core of white trash culture along with trucker hats, Nascar, and fucking your sister. I am amazed that people really go out and buy it.

My neighbors above come home with a box o'wine everyday on their way home from work. Now mind you a box is 5 liters. That is worth two and a half bottles of soda. That is a lot of fucking shitty alcohol they consume per night!

I don't drink much alcohol, but when I do I like it to be something that is tasty. Granted I'll drink some shitty beer here and there if it is offered (or to get a buzz going.) However, spending your hard earned money only to piss it all away on crap on a daily basis is stupid. They should just give me the $8 and I'll piss in a box for them.

I do think that box o'wine is ok due to that since white trash love to get wasted so much and they usually become angry, this can help prevent damage. Instead of beating each other upon the face with a glass bottle, they can now throw the empty cardboard hoping to pass off a paper cut.

Poo Poo Pee Pee

As a man reaching the age of thirty soon, I sometimes reflect deep into my life and what it is becoming. I realize that I have accomplished some pretty cool things, and some things I need to work on.

One thing that bothers me (as a man in his late 20's) is that I have to go outside about 2 or 3 times a day and say (in a childish baby manner) "You wanna go poo poo pee pee" to my dog.

You have to understand that she is a tiny dog. She weighs all of 15 pounds or so and does not help to promote my masculine image to begin with. So to have to go outside and tell her to "poo poo pee pee" makes me feel like I checked my balls at the door long ago.

I had a long discussion with the wife about this. I want to just say "go take a shit. Go piss." My wife does not think that that is appropriate. Am I going to offend the fucking dog? Will she pick up my bad cursing habits? Ridiculous.

So now I am off to let out my dog. If you find my testicles or pride anywhere please feel free to mail them back.

Oreo Pizza

Remember the old Dominos Oreo Pizza commerials? That was my favorite ad of all time hands down. It was funny, awkward, bizarre all in one. That is the only ad I would sit through. When it came on I would laugh my ass off. I don't even know if they still sell it. I don't even care. I just want them to do more of these commercials.

The only recent commercial that slightly amuses me is the new T-Mobile Family Plan one. The dad comes home and says he got the new family plan. The mom says they can call friends. Then one son says "we can call Skinny Pete." The look the father gives the kid is classic. This commercial is good, but not dynamite.

The oreo one is great because they have fucking oreos hanging off their faces. The older dude is like the wise one. Then each shot his face changes. It goes from a moustache to a goatee to a full on beard. Fuck me telling you about it. Watch the damn clip. Classic.

The Big Apple

So it's no surpise that the New York sports teams fucking suck as a whole. The Giants are the only exception to this theory (for now.) They will probably suck with the others by the end of the season, but I'll let them have their moment.

I keep reading in the papers and hearing on t.v. all about sports in the "Big Apple." The funny thing about that is there are no teams that really remind me of an apple. You have that gay apple that lights up at Shea Stadium when a Met hits a home run. Oh....that's right, no more Shea. No more apple. There are no teams that have red. Even the Red Bulls (soccer team) wear a white jersey and a blue jersey.

The Yankees, Rangers, Giants, and Knicks all wear blue. The Mets wear black. The Jets wear green. I guess that can be like a Granny Smith.

In essense, the Jets are the only team that can truly represent New York's "Big Apple" image. Too bad they play in that cesspool New Jersey.

NKOTB

Has this world gone completely fucking nuts? New Kids On The Block decided to record a new album and tour again. They all pretty much suck and haven't done anything since they last graced us with their shittylicious presence.

The mind-blowing thing about this is people are actually going to go see them! Girls in their late 20's and early 30's are rapidly buying tickets to go hear songs that sucked in the late 80's. How goddamn depressing is that?

We are at the beginning of a terrible financial crisis and people are losing money and jobs at a scary rate. Millions of people will be affected and suffer a lot os losses. But don't worry America, the fucking New Kids On The Block will be ok now because of your stupidity. They'll live the high life again while you fight for that fryolator job at McD's. Jackass.

Papier de Toilette

Why do we still have problems and imperfections with toilet paper? With all the years and improvement in technology I still can't get the perfect roll? Always some sort of problem when dealing with this stuff.

Why can't you simply start a roll off perfectly? Why must that little tab break in half one way down so you only have half a piece. You rip and you rip so you have an equal piece, but you keep ending up with random shards of paper in your hands. Finally, when you equal it out, half the roll is wasted.

It's 2008. Toilet paper has been around since bread. I have no problems with bread. It's time for the toilet paper people to ge their shit together (no pun intended) and make it as deliciously easy as bread. Maybe not delicious...but you get my point.

(Un)Friendly's

You ever go to a place and feel that it does not live up to its name? That is how I feel whenever I walk into a Friendly's. That place is anything but Friendly. It doesn't matter if I got to one in the middle of a city or just somewhere in Shitsville, USA...these motherfuckers aren't friendly.

The first thing you notice in any Friendly's is that it has dim lighting to cover up that it is dirty as hell. They always have a sign up that says they will be happy to seat you. Untrue. They make you wait ten minutes before somebody bemoaningly comes over and throws you in a booth that still has straw wrappers on it and is right behind some annoying small children who like to kick the booth.

As soon as you pick up the menu you automatically feel the kethup, ice cream, snot, and general funk that people have been putting on it since the 30's. The waitress comes over 20 minutes later and you'll only see her when the food is dropped off and when she drops off the bill. Both times she will be annoyed about something and is probably praying for your slow and imminent death.

If you stay for dessert, make sure you order the "Cone Head." Back in the day it was called "Happy Ending" or some shit. It's a scoop of ice cream in a bowl with Reese's Pieces for eyes and a nose, whipped cream, and a chocolate dipped cone for a hat. They get pissed when I order this. Who cares how old I am? I just sat through your disservice, nasty food, and I want something I've had since I was four. Go get it and bring that shit back with a smile. Bitch.

Pissing On My Grave

Has anyone ever told you that they would piss on your grave? I think I've heard it a few times in my life and it doesn't bother me. It's not like I'm alive to feel, smell, or taste the piss. Why would I care?

Chances are if I were to have a grave, a bird will probably shit on it or an old person might bump their motorized wheelchair into it or something. Why would your piss be so disrespectful?

If you hated me so much why would you take time out of your day to drive all the way to the cemetary to douse me with piss? It shows initiative and some thought. I am touched that you thought about me. Just make sure not to get any on the guy next to me...he is from the 40's and they frown upon that shit.

The Mighty Ducks Sham

So years ago a classic movie came out called The Mighty Ducks. This movie was so big that Disney bought a real NHL team and named them the Mighty Ducks. Anyways, the movie starred Emilio Estavez as a rich white collar worker who is busted for drunk driving and has to do community service. He volunteers to be a kid's hockey coach for a bunch of little kids who suck at hockey and life. He has to face his inner demons, crappy past, and change these little fuckers into champions. He does. Sweet.

A couple of years after that the second movie came out and he is named the coach of the U.S. hockey team for the Junior Goodwill Games. He brings along his team and adds a few more crazy kids that have special skills to help them win. He gets all corporate, loses focus of the team, and they all begin to hate him. He finds himself and gets them winning and by the end they are the best team in the world. Fantastic.

The third movie came out a few years after that and the whole premise is that they all were accepted into a private school as the j.v. hockey team and they have to beat varsity. WHAT???? How do you go from the best team in the world to compete against varsity? This movie is as much a disgrace as The Next Karate Kid.

I really don't have much else to say about this. I think the posting speaks for itself. Good job Disney, you really know how to fuck things up.