Dude

Underneath our apartment lives a creature of the night. It is a solitary creature and can rarely be seen when the sun is present. This creature is affectionately referred to as "Dude."

Dude moved into the apartment below us sometime in the winter. He drives a nice maroon shitmobile that looks like it came from a 1980's movie set. He works the overnight shift at the Mobil in my town and that is all I know about him really.

Dude has a nice little southern twang that really offers more insight than his actual words. I don't know his name, but the wife and I just one started saying shit like "oh dude is home" or "why is dude blasting Mariah Carey music again?"

I do know that he is not happy with us. I overheard him talking some shit to the landlord right on my lawn in front of the front door to my apartment. He was saying how I backed into his sister's car (she lives across the street) and it is a problem that I park in our driveway head-on. I must explain that his sister parked on the street right behind my car and did not leave me enough room to navigate. She even admitted this. Anyways, Dude parks his car right next to mine in the driveway. If I am so bad at backing out of the driveway...why would you want me to back up into it right next to your car? Fucking moron.

I also know that he has never ever put the garbage out on Mondays. 9 or 10 months of living somewhere and you never out the garbage, you're a fucking weirdo. Also, when the heat comes on in the winter, it smells of cat piss. Why did it get so damn cold so fast?