Aerosol Shit Cans

Why do we have aerosol cans for after somebody takes a shit? What is the point? We have them in our house and I still don't get the point. It is ridiculous.

What is the point of spraying half a can of pine ice (whatever the fuck that is) to cover up your nasty fecal explosion?

First off you are helping to kill the environment faster. Secondly it still smells like shit. Now it smells like you ate five pounds of rotting pine cones and just shit it out. You're not fooling anybody.

Do us all a favor and either crack a window and/or light a match. If that doesn't work then feel free to pound yourself on the head with the aerosol can until you die and we don't need to worry about your stinky ass.

Sex and the City

I know I'm going to sound sexist, but it's my site so go fuck yourself if you get offended. I hate hearing about this goddamn show. It has been over for a few years and now the movie is on dvd and I must hear about it over and over and over again.

I have no problem with women enjoying it. If you like the show and find it entertaining, then that is fine. What I never want to hear anyone say is that it is empowering to women. How is that shit empowering? Even feminist groups agree with me that it revolves too much around sex and extreme materialism. So there. I actually agree with feminists.

I understand they all live in the city and they are best friends and they have successful careers. That is not empowering, that is life. They should have jobs and friends. All this show really did is emphasize stereotypes about women. If you don't believe me how come every episode has them sitting around and gabbing like a bunch of yentas? What about the obsession with shopping and expensive ass designers that most women couldn't afford?

One of them sleeps around and is pretty much a slut. I know most women will say that I would think it would be ok if she were a guy. Not at all. He would be an asshole, but I wouldn't say he is empowering.

I have seen a few episodes and it is the same shit over and over again. Like I said before, if you like it that is fine. Just don't start spewing about how this show is liberating or I might puke on your Payless shoes that you wish were Manolo Blahniks.

Urinals

I stopped at a rest stop off of I-95 today. I really had to take a leak. Anyways, I get into the bathroom and they have 5 urinals all right next to each other and they were full. The men using it had no room. They were rubbing elbows and seemed really uncomfortable.

I don't understand this philosophy. Why are there so few urinals and why are they so close? If it is like that why don't they just remove all the urinals and have a giant hole in the middle of the floor. We can all just go piss in it and there would be a giant urinal cake floating on the floor. I mean let's face it, a men's room has piss all over the floor anyway. At least this way I don't have to wait 10 minutes to uncomfortably rub my elbows next to some stranger.

Either that or spread the fucking urinals around the giant bathroom. Have a bathroom stall seperate each urinal. That would make a lot more sense than throwing that shit in a corner. I bet you anything some handicapped guy designed this standard bathroom setting. What does he care? He has the giant fucking stall in there!

Parental Timeshare

I love kids. I think they are fun, they can be cute, and basically don't know how shitty the world is. I respect that. Everyone keeps asking when I'm going to have a kid. Not right now. I enjoy my sleep, my R-rated movies, and the fact that the only ass I have to wipe is my own.

I'm not saying I don't want kids, but not right now. Maybe in a year or two things will change. I was thinking that we should start a national parental timeshare. It would be like a foster home, except you would actually love the kid and not beat the shit our of them.

You would pay to "own" the child for certain days, months, or even years that you want to be involved. I would personally want to spend some time while it is still an infant to see it as a cute baby. Maybe a day or two. I would then ship him/her off until they are in 2nd grade. This is when they are enjoyable. I would keep the kid until around 6th grade. Then I would ship them off and that's about it.

Fuck the teething, the terrible twos, teen angst, pregnancy scares, and poverty. I don't need it thank you.

Telemundo

Hands down the best t.v station ever. I have no clue what the fuck they're saying, but I am always entertained. If you are ever bored and there is nothing to watch on t.v. flip on the the ol' Spanish channel and you will feel reborn.

The funny thing about Telemundo is they have two types of people. The first are the gorgeous ones. The second are the nasties. There is no middleground here. The guys either look like George Clooney ten years ago or Ron Jeremy basically anytime. The women for the most part are drop dead gorgeous. Whether you are watching a gameshow or a commercial on diarrhea, the women are mostly hot. There are some nasties, but who am I to judge?

I love the variety shows. I love to turn on a show and watch blindfolded people throwing daggers at their significant other while wearing clown shoes and singing a love song. That is entertainment.

I also don't mind watching the news. The only reason for this is that I have no clue of what they are saying so it doesn't depress me as much.

Dick Pills Vs. Birth Control

If you're like me you might enjoy a good episode or two of the show Cheaters. Everytime I watch the show they always have an Enzyte commercial. This is the one where there is a guy named Bob who needs a hard on and takes the pills. The commercial has him smiling the whole time, there are lots of sexual innuendos, and an annoying whistling song. A dick pill during a show about infidelity? Interesting combo.

These commercials are annoying. They are just as annoying as birth control commercials. I always see the birth control commercials where it's al these women out to lunch or some shit and one just slips in the fact that she is on this new one. They all laugh and giggle and discuss how exactly it works. I believe this is true. Women do sit around and discuss thing like this. I know when I'm sitting around with a bunch of guys we like to discuss our toilet paper preferences when comparing our best deuce drops.

The one thing that ties these two types of commercials is the fact that the cons far outweigh the pros. Tied to every commercial is the warnings and they are downright scary. They say shit like: "Boner4All is not for everyone. Some people may experience death, heart attack, strokes, diabetes, loss of a limb, blindness, loss of hair, herpes, and the hiv. Please consut a doctor before starting Boner4All." If I could lose a limb from taking a boner pill, sex ain't that important...especially if that is the limb I could lose! Crazy horny fuckers.

Douchebags

So driving through my town today I saw a bunch of wannabe hoodlums hanging outside of the laundromat. I don't know about you, but when I was a teen there was no cooler place to hang than a place to wash your clothes.

All the guys had their hats a little bit ajar. I think this goes along the lines of the popped collar. You wear your hat a little to the side, you're a fucking tool. It either looks like you're retarded or had a seizure.

What douche woke up one morning and decided to tilt his hat to the side? Was he attempting to turn it backwards but lost his train of thought and just left it?

I admit that when I was in college I wore my hat backwards. At least I followed through with the full turn on the head. I didn't stop 1/8 of the way. I'm not lazy like these little bitches. At least they make Whoppers.

The Swiss Cheese Conspiracy

People that know me know that for years I have been talking about the Swiss Cheese Conspiracy(SCC). It is an idea that rolls around in my head every now and then. Last night as I passed the assortment of cheeses in the supermarket it struck me again.

I believe that long ago the government concocted a scheme. They came up with the idea of having less cheese for more money. It was a stroke of genius and they have profited off it for years.

I am surprised they haven't sold off the holes to make more money. Sort of like how Dunkin Donuts sells off Munchkins. They could sell off the holes in small containers or travel packs for people on the go.

I really do hate Swiss Cheese. Not just because the government fucked it up for me, I just think it tastes shitty.

Telemarketers

So working at night in the call center is hilarious. I see every type of human possible. There are more freaks and weirdos packed into these cubicles than any NYC subway.

There are guys who just graduated from high school and they now go to Dutchess Community College next door. They are a bunch of little g's who loudly call each other "nigga" and yell loudly about smoking weed and getting wasted while people are on the phone.

The teenage girls are all pregnant and they are constantly going to bathroom and coming back smelling of smoke. They wear really tight shirts to show off their bodies and you can practically see the fetus begging to come out.

There are really old people. These people are the most normal of the bunch. They are all retired and some of them lost their spouses and do this to kep occupied and have a social life. I actually like these people.

The middle age men are all guys who are single and have somewhat successful lives in a some sort of trade. One guy is an electrician, one is a plumber, and one plays saxophone in a band or something.

The last group is the worst. Middle aged women. They are all crazy as hell. One women walks around yelling shit about people's astrological signs. You can hear her yelling at other employees that the moon in not in their favor and they should stay home the next night. Another women has long blonde hair (obviously a wig) and a tan that makes Samuel L. Jackson look like a caucasian. She is always walking around trying to get everyone notice her. She does a good job because I feel nauseous everytime I see her. Then there is the women who does what she is not supposed to do and shares her political opinions on other people's surveys. She will ask who they are voting for and then no matter what go into this rant about how Sarah Palin is gorgeous and that men can't multi-task so they should vote for her.

God help me. I feel odd being the most normal person there.

NuWave Oven

So the other night I was falling asleep with the t.v. on as I often do. The wife came over to wake me up and we both caught a glimpse of the ultimate new informercial. It is for the NuWave Oven.

This thing is awesome. You just throw in your meat and veggies and it cooks them. It looks like a pie display case in a diner but it has a timer. We watched about 10 minutes of the informercial and were hooked. What are great idea. But I wanted to know more.

I looked it up online and got the e-mail address for customer service. A week went by and I still did not get a reply. I then called the 1800 number provided and the machine said I was the 24th customer waiting. I then hung up and wrote a follow up e-mail. Here is the actual e-mail:

Hi,

I wrote to you a couple of days ago and did not get a response. I also tried to call today, but it said I was the 24th customer and I couldn't stay on the line for hours.
I want to know if you have some sort of add-on plug to the machine that can connect to my car's cigarette lighter or something. I have a long trip down to Boca Raton coming up and I'd like to make a London Broil and some other foods while I drive down. Do you sell any car kits with it?

Sincerely,
Jebediah

I finally got a response today:

Good morning,

We do not have a kit where you can plug it in to the car.

Thank you

Sincerely,

Cassandra

There are two points to today's blog. The first one is that persistance pays off. The second is that if you want to cook a london broil while driving, you're fucked for now.

Junior

Why do people feel the need to name their children "Junior?" Are you that unoriginal that you need to name your kid after yourself? Pathetic.

I understand if you have a son and the father passes away before the kid is born and you want to remember him through the child. I am cool with that. But if you are still alive do you really need to name your kid after you? Do you need your grandchild to be slapped with a "III" at the end of it?

If you are that boring to name your kid after you, why don't you just name your kid "A" and then "B" or "1" and "2." I just don't get it.

I think I will name my kid Carrot or Shoe or something crazy so they won't feel tempted to name their kid after themselves. That is all.

Hurricanes

Is it just me or does anyone else just wanna punch CNN in the fucking jaw? All last night was just hurricane coverage. The fact that they covered it all night didn't bother me (it's better than hearing Nancy Grace and her annoying twang shout about the same shit.) The part that bothers me is how they do it.

You turn on CNN and before the hurricane they advise people that live in the danger zone every 10 seconds to evacuate. Then while the hurricane is going on they remind people that they should not be in the area, and if they are to stay indoors. Then not even two seconds later they ask the person outside hanging on to a tree what it's like?

How can you tell people they should not be around during a hurricane and then have your people standing outside with a baseball cap, a microphone, and a neon orange raincoat. In what way does the neon raincoat protect you? Is it like a traffic cone in the fact that the storm will see it and know not to fuck with you? You mean business!

Every station had some idiot standing outside to answer the anchor's repetitive questions:

Anchor: Let's go to Sheila Johnson who is standing outside in Houston. Hello Sheila.
Sheila: Hi Burt.
Anchor: How is it outside?
(A traffic light flies by her head and she is standing in a 30 degree angle.)
Sheila: It is continuing to rain and it is windy.
Anchor: Wow. Thanks for the update Sheila. We'll check back with you for an update in 30 seconds.

The only difference between all the other stations and CNN is that the other stations found some other little story to cover. CNN was straight hurricane all night. C'mon CNN you're better than that. Throw in some daily recession news to warm me up inside.

I know this is not CNN, but you get the point.

Dude

Underneath our apartment lives a creature of the night. It is a solitary creature and can rarely be seen when the sun is present. This creature is affectionately referred to as "Dude."

Dude moved into the apartment below us sometime in the winter. He drives a nice maroon shitmobile that looks like it came from a 1980's movie set. He works the overnight shift at the Mobil in my town and that is all I know about him really.

Dude has a nice little southern twang that really offers more insight than his actual words. I don't know his name, but the wife and I just one started saying shit like "oh dude is home" or "why is dude blasting Mariah Carey music again?"

I do know that he is not happy with us. I overheard him talking some shit to the landlord right on my lawn in front of the front door to my apartment. He was saying how I backed into his sister's car (she lives across the street) and it is a problem that I park in our driveway head-on. I must explain that his sister parked on the street right behind my car and did not leave me enough room to navigate. She even admitted this. Anyways, Dude parks his car right next to mine in the driveway. If I am so bad at backing out of the driveway...why would you want me to back up into it right next to your car? Fucking moron.

I also know that he has never ever put the garbage out on Mondays. 9 or 10 months of living somewhere and you never out the garbage, you're a fucking weirdo. Also, when the heat comes on in the winter, it smells of cat piss. Why did it get so damn cold so fast?

Political Surveys

As some of you may know I got a part time job at night in Poughkeepsie. I work random hours on random nights and it is far more painful than having my scrotum beaten with a hammer.

My job is to call people all over the country and give them political surveys. I sit in a little cubicle and and have a list of phone numbers that I manually dial. I then have to ask them questions about their political opinions and their local government leaders.

Some nights I might be talking to people in New Jersey and another night I might be calling Idaho. I have to assure them that I am asking them questions and not trying to sell them anything. My bosses assure me that we are not telemarketers. It sure fucking feels like it.

I will do a seperate blog on the people that work at this place in a day or two. For now let me tell you about the people I speak with on the phone. I am not a Democrat or a Republican per se. I choose whatever candidate I feel is best. People in Jersey a pretty bright but are complete assholes. You say hello to them and they automatically say "not interested...go fuck yourself."

Southerners are the craziest. They are all Republicans and they hate Obama with a passion. I called a guy from North Carolina and simply asked him which Congressman he will elect to office on Election Day. His response was "I would rather let my blind wife run the country over a dirty coon." Not only was it racist, but he was a complete fucking moron. Basically everyone I speak to down there are in agreement with him.

Basically we are a country full of assholes. I'm an asshole for calling them and they are assholes for answering back with sheer stupidity.

Carebears Vs. Carebears II

So when I was young my grandmother took me to see the Carebears movie. It was the greatest damn thing I had ever seen. I liked to also watch the cartoon when Voltron wasn't on the t.v.

A year later they had the great idea to have a sequel called Carebears II. The only problem is that the storylines don't match, and a little boy from New York's outlook on life was fucked from then on.

The first movie has the CareBears trying to help some kids on Earth. A couple of the bears get stuck in the Forest of Feeling where they are helped out by various animals. Now these animals who are later dubbed the Carebear Cousins do not have any weird heart shit on their stomachs. But with their loud yells and love they help the Carebears conquer evil. At the end they are rewarded with their own weirdass heart tattoos.

The second movie starts off with all of the bears and random animals being raised together as babies by a bear and a horse. Here they all have their markings on their stomachs. WTF? How could you do this to a 6 year old? I'm not even gonna finish the plotline because that right there is where my interest, hopes, and dreams became shattered.

All I'm saying is that if you plan a sequel right after the original, make that shit work. It's almost like Apollo Creed killing Rocky in the original and then Rocky pops up for the sequel like nothing ever happened. Where is the decency?

S.H.I.T.

I heard that the play Rent recently ended its Broadway run. I never saw it on Broadway, but did see the movie and it wasn't too bad. That led me to think about what the next big play should be about. It should be original and appeal to mass audiences.

So while tossing and turning last night I finally figured it out. My play would be called S.H.I.T (Super Heroes In Trouble) and it would focus on a hospital that is only for super heroes.

The doctors would be real humans with no special powers who have to treat the onslaught of bizarre super cases. Picture Batman with severe rabies. Robin had a misfortunate guinea pig accident. Someone slipped some Kryptonite in Superman's Cafe Latte. Wonderwoman has a yeast infection. You get the point.

There will be songs and dancing that will be fun, but not have me question my manhood. I picture this as being a cooler stage version of ER. At the end of the show you (the audience) will realize that it is the doctors who are the true superheroes. It will be touching (like a Danny Tanner moment.)

Until next time America...- Maury Povich

Grocery Shopping

I personally like to go grocery shopping late at night. I stroll through the aisles of my local Hannafords at like 11pm with all of the drunk kids and heroine addicts. So basically I am the only one conscious in the store besides the poor checkout girl.

Today I decided to go to the store around 11am to do my grocery shopping. It took about 10 minutes to go up each aisle. I go up the first aisle to pick up some veggies and I'm stuck behind the lady with the screaming infant and whiny toddler while she tries to figure out which apples to purchase.

I finally break free from the veggie aisle and find myself in the cereal aisle where an elderly couple is trying to figure out which brand of Raisin Bran helps to build a stronger stool. In case you are wondering...they went with the Kellogg's. You can't beat two scoops of raisins.

Why do old people feel the need to go 5mph only to stop short at every Little Debbie case or Metemucil display? Why do they have to stop their cart in the middle of the aisle and block everyone from passing?

Anyways, I am not going to shop during the day anymore. I will continue to shop late at night along with the drunks and heroine addicts. At least when they are passed out on the floor I can move my cart over them. I will continue to be a late night shopper until I am old and blocking the aisle with my cart.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. -SNL

Gary Busey

I was flipping through the channels today and came across The Cho Show on VH1. That is the "reailty" show about Margaret Cho the non-funny Korean comic whose whole career is based on the fact that she is Korean. Big fucking deal.

Anyways, she was walking through the woods with a couple of gay guys and a midget for some reason and they came across Gary Busey waving around some sort of stick and mumbling to himself.He began to talk about how living in the woods is the real world and becoming one with it and shit. The man is insane.

I would love to bring him with me to places like a guide dog. I would need my Busey to accomplish simple tasks. Grocery shopping would not be so mundane. I'm sure Gary would find something spiritual in the bread aisle and we could discuss it for hours. A trip to the car wash would be exciting because I'm sure Gary would rather go through ON the car instead of inside. He would tell me it is like riding a great silverback through the rainforest. That would be the fun of having a Busey. He is fucking insane.

Take care of yourself and each other. - Jerry Springer

What is the point?

I don't know where this whole blogging craze came from and why it is so popular. I personally don't give a shit what is going on in people's everyday lives. I'm sure you feel the same about mine.

I got a haircut today. I'm sure whoever actually reads this crap will shit their pants in excitement. You may be wondering why I decided to cut my hair. You may ask youself why I would have some man with a thick Hispanic accent, no hair, and a little too much of a lisp touch my head. It is quite simple really. He is cheap and I have no money. I work with children and can't look like a guy who might own a van for diddling purposes. That is not kosher and you're a sick fuck for thinking it.

That is all for today. I hope I helped touch or change your life in some way. Have your pets spayed and neutered.