Whale Wars

T.V. is fucking out of its mind these days. I started watching this show Whale Wars on Animal Planet and it blew me away. Not because it had to do with whales or the preservation of whales, but because the humans involved are fucking nutballs!

There is a crew of volunteers who belong to an organization called Sea Shepard. They go out on this boat called Steve Irwin and they sail to Antarctica. The reason for doing this is that Japan "illegally" hunts and kills whales. These freaks go and stop them.

On the Steve Irwin they have small inflatable boats that they use to go closer to the big Japanese whaling ships to harass them. They throw some sickening chemical on to the deck of the whaling ship. They also throw ropes and shit into the propellar of the big ship to stop it.

The first day they found the whaling ship, two Steve Irwin members decide it would be a good idea to go up to the whaling ship and jump on to it to "deliver a letter." They are tied to the ship and kidnapped for 3 days.

The captain doesn't seem too phased that two of his men are in enemy territory. He is more worried about the damn whales. He calls the media and uses the kidnapping as a way to get media attention. The captain's name is Paul Watson and he co-founded Greenpeace but got the boot. I'm sure it's because he is an insane fucking moron.

I agree that whales shouldn't be hunted. I don't, however, think that we should sacrifice the lives of other humans to get publicity about what a great person I am for saving the whales. I hope somebody harpoons this motherfucker.

Barry

Somebody's gotta stop Barry Manilow. I know he wrote the songs that make the whole world sing and shit, but he is out of his fucking mind.

I recently stumbled upon an ad plugging his new album. It is him singing the "greatest" song from the 80's. Not only are they the worst songs from the 80's...Barry makes them even fucking worse! Like that shitastic song from Dirty Dancing, Barry makes it sound like nails on a chalkboard. Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting...fucking awful!

The worst part is that this is not the first time he has done this. He has done this for every decade since the 50's. The most pathetic one is the 70's. About 75% of the album is Barry Manilow covering Barry Manilow. You gotta have some pair of balls on you to label your songs the "greatest" of a decade and just re-record them with "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

We really need to stop this shit before he touches the 90's. I can't hear a shittier version of "I'm Too Sexy." Please make him stop!

Breeding

So I work with this kid after school for some extra money. I am supposedly his tutor and my job is to help him focus and complete his homework. I will probably have a lot more to write about this subject another time.

The kid's parents are divorced. The dad is a cop about 2 hours away and the mom apparently doesn't have a job. She likes to "breed" yorkies.

When I started working there a couple of months ago they had 8 annoyingly loud yorkies that would bark. They are now up to 16. Pretty soon all of the puppies will be running around and barking with the other dogs. Holy fuck.

My problem here is that the 8 original dogs all live in their own filth. They run around and shit and piss all over everything and then roll around in it. They are not what people are looking to buy. So they fuck each other and have more puppies to stink up the joint. Now you will have 16 hairy balls of shit and piss running around like maniacs. No one will want to buy these dogs. It will go on and on and on and....

My point is this: Just because your dogs can keep fucking and multiplying, doesn't mean you're a breeder. It means you're a lazy ass who should get rid of all the dogs and get a fucking job!

Extra Fingers

I heard recently that the new Bond girl was born with 6 fingers on each hand. That is pretty fucking cool. Imagine all the possiblities/difficulties of having extra digits. No? Well I have and here is what I thought of:

When learning to count as a child I'm sure she did better counting up to twelve than all the other kids. Being a person who is horrible at math, that would have been key.

I'm sure it was hard to find mittens. Do you double up in one finger or just wear gloves all the time?

However, I'm sure you have more leverage and a better grip when throwing snow and/or meatballs at people's faces.

What if there was an emergency and someone was dying and you had to reach in their open chest to massage their heart to start and there are small latex gloves that in no way would fit an extra finger? I'm sure that would be a tough call.

When the person is pissed which one is the middle finger? Do they just raise both fingers together? I think that would come across pretty clearly.

Now that I think about...that is fucking creepy. It sounds horrible and I hope to never have to encounter one of these freaks. I especially hope to never shake a mutant hand, they might have a supergrip that rips my arm off. Fuck that's scary!

Sea Monkeys

As I grow older I look back at my childhood and wonder what the fuck people were thinking. I remember seeing ads in the back of comic books for Sea Monkeys. I remember asking my parents constantly to let me buy it and my dad always saying "it's a load of crap."

Now as an adult I still want them. My only reasoning is that it is fucking stupid and I would just like to see my wife's reaction to coming home from work and seeing them hatch on our kitchen counter.

If you don't know what sea monkeys are or have never seen them they are brine shrimp that hatch when you put them in water. The ads used to use these cartoon sperm to help sell them to children like me.

Maybe I'll fall in love with them and make a magical sea monkey village and museum where I can charge admission. Maybe $6 for adults and $2.50 for kids up to age 11. Kids under 2 will be free of course. We can have a snack bar, gift shop,and interactive show.

The place would be called Sea Monkey World. We would use the Sea World sign but put a little carrot in between "Sea" and "World" and spraypaint in "Monkey" all classylike.

Hey, if Dolly Parton can open a boobtastic theme park, then I'm sure my magical land of Sea Monkeys will flourish.

Men's Mags

So yesterday I went off on a rant about women's magazines and how much they suck. Men's mags aren't much better. It is filled with lots of useless crap that makes us look like morons for reading it.

When you walk down the magazine aisle Maxim always sticks out. There is always a scantily dressed female on the cover doing something seductive looking. Maybe she is doused with water. Perhaps she is riding a mechanical bull in a miniskirt. You get the point.

The content inside the magazine is useless filler crap. You have a spread of the girl on the cover and an interview in which the reporter tries to get the most dirty secrets out of her. There is some sort of flirtation where the reporter makes it seem like they might have a shot at nailing her.

The rest of the magazine is filled with content that is supposed to be appealing to everyday men. From how to get a bullet out of your face only using a quarter and a lighter to picking up girls at a mental institution. WHAT? If you are getting shot in the face I don't think the first thing you will do is reach for a quarter. Most likely you will be lying on the ground bleeding to death. If you need to pick up girls in a loony bin, you got some shit you need to get resolved.

Not all men are interested in new ways to lift weights. Anyways, anyone who knows me knows that I have a lifelong pass to the gunshow. We all don't care about the engines and horsepower of a Saturn Sky (this will be mentioned in a future post.)

Men have to stop paying for this shit. You can get all the useless information you need on the internet. Life is not only about looking at hot girls. Educate yourself. Learn about different cultures and their lifestyles. May I suggest a few hours of Telemundo?

Women's Mags

Warning: I am not trying to be sexist. If you are offended by my choice of gender magazines, go throw youself in a vat of acid. However, to be fair I will point out the stupidity of men's magazines tomorrow.

I read Rolling Stone. I have had a subscription for years. A few years ago I got my wife the magazine Jane. Jane does not exist anymore so I was offered Glamour instead. I said "no", but they send it to me anyway.

Glamour is a god awful magazine. Like Elle and all those other bullshit mags, the models are disgustingly thin and wearing shit nobody would ever wear. I don't understand why women would pay $5 to read a magazine that makes them look fat.

Women's mags are also full of ads. If you open one up, the first actual page of magazine is somewhere in the middle. The first 20 pages are all waifs laying on a canoe wearing ridiculous outfits.

I also find the articles to be humorous. Every single month they have the "Sexual Secrets Your Man Craves" or some shit like that. The articles are always written by women who have no fucking clue what we want. One might say "Your man craves something new. Try eating a bologna sandwich or hamburger before going down on him. He'll love your out-of-the-box thinking." WHAT? Are you blowing the fucking Burger King? Ronald McDonald?

If you want to know what your man wants in bed, open your damn mouth and ask. You don't need to hear it from Suzie Johnson who claims to know what we want.

By buying these magazines you are helping to feed the models crack addiction (you know they ain't eating), make men rich, and feed into the stereotype that make-up and clothing are all a woman thinks about(besides bologna blow jobs.)