The Clapper

Anyone alive in the 1980's remembers those annoying commercials for The Clapper. The whole concept is you clap when you want your lights to either turn on or off. This was such a new and revolutionary idea back in the day. The commercial was corny and funny as hell.

Now there is a new Clapper. This piece o' shit is called The Clapper Plus. The thing that seperates The Clapper from The Clapper Plus is that The Clapper Plus has a remote control. Hmmmmm...

So if I had a fucking remote why would I need to clap? Wouldn't the remote cancel the whole idea of the clapping? And what about people with no arms? They can't clap or use the remote control. Fucked up!

Orange Juice

What ever happened to going down to the local store and buying a carton of OJ? When did you have to start reading the label and scientifically guess which one is right for you? IT'S JUICE FOR FUCKS SAKE!

I stopped by a bagel place this morning after running an errand for the wife. I was a bit parched and thought some delicious orange juice would help to quinch my thirst. All it did was give me a headache.

They literally had a fridge full of orange juice. All of it was made by Tropicana and they all looked pretty much the same. They had a bunch of them in the little cartons. The cartons had orange juice, orange nectarine, orange strawberry, etc.

I decided to get a 12 ounce plastic bottle. Seems like a simple decision. Nope. Now I had to decided if I wanted no pulp, some pulp, lots of pulp, or choke and fucking die on shards of pulp. You feel like once you pass that hurdle you are free. WRONG! Now you gotta decided if you want to stick with your pulp selection or go for one with added calcium. Since you are picking juice over milk, should you compensate?

I think we need to really need reevaluate ourselves and our stupidity. Why can't these poor little Mexicans down there in Florida just pick our oranges and squeeze them into a container for us? Why do we need to dissect each orange into a catergory? Christ.

Kix

"Kid tested, mother approved."
Fuckin' right it is! Growing up in the 80's I wasn't allowed the pleasures of Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp. I was only allowed Cheerios, Rice Krispies, and the occassional Honey Nut Cheerios.
Then came Kix. I still remember my very first bowl. It came out when I was in Nursery School. I was eating for breakfast right before my mom was about to drop me off, when all of a sudden I puked it back up into the bowl. Ever since then it was true love.
Tonight I went to the store to pick up some generic Coco Krispies that the wife has requested. I was walking down the aisle thinking about buying myself some Kix, when it dawned on me: There is no generic brand of it.
For the past twenty years or so there has been a big push in generic cereals. You can get anything from Apple Jacks to Peanut Butter Captn Crunch. Let's face it...who the fuck eats the name brand Peanut Butter Captn? Exactly.
How has Kix made itself a monopoly in the cereal world? How has it not let its deliciousness get copied? Are there sinister reasons behind it?
All I know is I really want a box of Kix so I can throw up happily. I do not want to shell out $4 a box because that vomit will not be the sweetness I fondly yearn for.

Yellow Ink

So today I was working with a kid I tutor and I had to write a note to his teacher. Somehow he did not have any working pencils or regular pens on him. All he had was this neon yellow pen.
I wrote one word down and I couldn't even read what I jusr wrote. Why the fuck do they make yellow ink? Seeing as though most paper is white, why would you sell a color that cannot be seen? For all I know there isn't even ink in that shit. They could have just sold an empty tube with a cap.
I am considering writing to the company in their own yellow ink. I will address the envelope with regular ink. Why torture the post office? I enjoy recieving mail. When the company recieves my letter they will see that there is a slight tint of color. They won't, however, know what the fuck I wrote.
I am hoping that they have to do many tests and bring in experts with huge magnifying glasses and special lights to read my message. I think my message will simply say something like:

Dear (insert asshole company name here),
STICK TO REGULAR FUCKING COLORS THAT PEOPLE CAN READ!

Sincerely,

Gouda McCheddar (have a good alias)

Conjoined Twins

I was reading an article online about these 18 year old conjoined twins. It said how they want to lead a "normal life" and get married. Yeah right. Who the fuck are they kidding?

One wants to be like a pilot or some shit and they other girl wants to be a teacher. Hey girls I got some news for you. Nobody is going to hire two heads on a body. Unless you dress up in a bathing suit with a boa attached and hang out with the bearded lady, nobody will hire you.

And they think they will get married? Who in their right fucking mind will want two girls ALL the time. I guess it would be cool for a little while but when you fight with one, the other one will be right there. Plus would it be considered polygomy? Is it a threesome? Or not because it is one body with two heads? Hold on....I gotta go puke....

Chain Mail

How many times a week do I check my e-mail and I have some bullshit that tells about some fucking kid with Leukemia and how reading his story will change me life...if I forward it to 10 of my friends. TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES!

I am so sick of receiving these goddamn things. Somehow I think my fate is not going to be determined by how many of my friends will read an uplifting story about some random shmuck. If that is the case, however, I am fucked.

About ten years ago I would read each one and say "Oh that is sad. Hopefully I can pass this luck on."

Five years ago I would see them in my mailbox and say "wow people still send this shit?" I would then automatically delete it.

Now I will open it, find the original person who sent it out and tell them that their e-mail changed my life. I will tell them how I did scroll down to the bottom (without cheating) and all my wishes did come true. I AM now head of my local KKK, I was able to get away with murder, and my kids will never recieve a dime of my money thanks to my fleeing the country.

Polly-O

Have you ever gone to the store craving string cheese? Me neither. However, my wife is obssessed with string cheese. She loves to peel it and devour that shit.

One time I went to the store and they didn't have Polly-O, the brand whose string cheese is the only one I ever purchased. I figured it is fucking cheese and the wife won't mind.

Fast forward 45 minutes as she pulled the plastic off her cheese log. The very first string went in and was spit out. She seemed to be gagging. She put the log o' cheese down on the table never to nibble it again. I tried one myself and it was awful. It tasted like I was chewing on some sweaty gym socks.

How the hell did one company put a monopoly on cheese? How did they take a basic ingredient and make it the only edible peeling cheese? I feel an investigation should be opened into this matter. I think this is the beginning of a massive sabotage and cover-up. Goddamn.

Birds

Last night I was at my mother in-law's house. She had a family reunion and it was fun. I like her family a lot and we had a good time. During this time there was a dvd that was played that had footage of my wife and her family from the 80's. It was cool to see everyone, but a lot of the video had footage of birds. Birds in trees, birds on the ground, birds in flight, etc.

I do not understand what the fuck is so special about birds. My wife's aunt and uncle are avid bird people. They love to go out and watch for birds and know all the different types and where they live. WHY?

My brother in-law informed me that they belong to a national group of some sort that once a year go and count birds and report their findings. This is crazy. Apparently people need to know how many cardinals are flying through my backyard.

I want nothing to do with birds. I don't care how pretty they are. I don't care how pretty their songs are. I don't care how big or little they are. Unless they are drenched in wing sauce and served with some ranch and celery sticks....fuck off!

Mr. Peanut vs. Monopoly Guy

Who do you think would win this epic battle? I have thought about this match for years. Everytime I imagined a place and style of fighting, I always had the Monopoly guy come out on top.

I think the Monopoly Guy is a fuckin' pimp. He makes millions off of selling hot ass properties. He pockets that shit and send proably half of it over to some sort of Swiss bank account. I also think that a man who can get that rich must have some brains and would know how to hand a beatdown to a fucking peanut.

Mr. Peanut looks like a fancy lad. He probably drinks lots of tea with his pinky extended and says "pardon me" all the time. Not only that, but he has a shell. I bet the Monopoly Guy can throw a bag of money at this little bitch and break his shell.

I think the only thing Mr. Peanut has going for him is his cane and monocle. That can might have some ammunition and his monocle might be some sort of cyber technology. That Mr. Peanut is a shifty S.O.B. But I still think the Monopoly Guy is favored over this little fruit...nut...whatever!

NASCAR

I'm not going to say that I hate just NASCAR, but the whole idea of race cars is fucking retarded. Why would I want to sit on my couch and watch 20 assholes drive around a circle for a couple of hours?

To me NASCAR runs along the same line as Budweiser, trailer parks, incest, underage pregnancy, and mullets (male or female.) Granted Budweiser is everywhere and lots of people drink it, but if it is combined with any of the other two...chances are they are obsessed with NASCAR and probably wrestling too.

I think it would be fun to be the driver going at a really fast speed. I'm sure it is a huge adrenaline rush and an amazing experience. That does not mean I would want to actually go to a race and watch people go round and round. I would rather watch my clothes do that in a dryer. At least I know THEY are clean.

Snuggie

Have you ever dreamed of coming home after a nice long day to change out of your workclothes and into a giant blanket? Ever dream of playing the role of a dirty priest? For any of you sick fucks that have, meet the Snuggie.

The Snuggie is constantly being shown on t.v. as a wearable blanket. It is such a creepy item. They show people of different ages, genders, and sizes wearing this thing and EVERY single one of them looks creepy.

The point of it is when you are watching t.v. and you move, the blanket might slide off or move too much. Also when you reach for sometjhing you might get caught up in a blanket. With a Snuggie it covers your body and has sleeves so you can grab items.

Besides the fact that you look like a fruity priest (with the variety of the colors of the rainbow)it is just a stupid idea. Who the hell is buying this shit? If your life is so fucking miserable because the blanket slides off your lazy ass while watching t.v. then you might have some real issues.

If anyone reading this ever decides to buy a Snuggie, please follow these directions:1.) Set yourself on fire.
2.)If that doesn't work call a friend or neighbor
3.)Have friend or neighbor tie the sleeves together
4.)Have them tie a few brick to the sleeves
5.)Kindly ask them to throw you in a deep waterway

Overpass vs. Underpass

What is the fucking difference? What genius named these god damn things? Why couldn't they just call it a mini-bridge or some shit? Probably because that would be too damn easy.

If you are driving and a road crosses above you, you are to simply refer to it as an "underpass." However, since it is above you it could be referred to as an "overpass" because it is OVER you.

Same is true if you are driving on a road and you drive over a road. You refer to the road you are on as an "overpass" eventhough a road is passing UNDER you. Couldn't it go both ways?

My question for you is: What is it called if you are not traveling on either road, but would simply like to refer to it? Answer me that! Fuckers!

World's Oldest People

So yesterday the World's Oldest Woman died at age 115. While this is sad, why the fuck is it news? I don't understand the media's love and obsession over this.

It feels like we get an update on a monthly basis on the World's Oldest Man/Woman. They proudly announce that one ancient person kicked the bucket and now somebody else is on top. About a month later that person croaks and they name somebody new.

Back in 2007 a woman from Connecticut was the Oldest Living Woman for four days! The previous person died and they made a big deal about this woman becoming the World's Oldest. Four days later she kicked the bucket and they went apeshit over the next fossil.

We really need to stop sensationalizing these people and just let them live...or die.

The "Red" Campaign

So the other day I went to the Apple store with a friend. She wanted to buy a new Ipod Nano because her other one had broke. She quickly found a red one she liked and went to the counter to purchase it. As she was paying the girl behind the counter said "a certain percentage of this goes to kids in Africa." I automatically shot her a dirty look and said "great. Just what they need is another fucking gazelle."

Seriously. We live in a country where there are starving, homeless, uneducated children right down the street. Why is a percentage of my money going to Africa? What percentage? You know how much money they spend on advertising campaigns? PROBABLY MORE THAN THEY DONATE! So essentially my money would go towards telling people to donate.

I am so sick of hearing about the "Red" campaign. I think if we really want to help these kids in Africa we should send over all the leftover fruitcakes from the holidays. That way we don't have them, our homeless kids won't have to suffer, and we can say we are really feed those Africans (even if they don't like it.) Beggers can't be chosers Mutamba.

Dick Clark

Can there be a more depressing way to ring in the New Year than watching Dick Clark? Seriously. He needs to retire forever and let that craptastic shitbag Ryan Seacrest takeover.

I have respect for Dick Clark. He is an icon and I have a lot of respect for him in general. It takes a lot of courage for somebody to go through something like that to appear on national t.v.

My problem with it is as the years go by I am not getting any younger. You start thinking things like "oh fuck, I'm gonna be 30 this year" or "I need to start getting prostate exams." This is not easy shit to think about. You want the new year to be a party and be excited about it.

Looking at Dick Clark is basically like watching Amy Winehouse do the countdown. You know you shouldn't laugh, but you can't help but let out a slight giggle. Also, he is still counting down 5 minutes into the New Year. Time to limp out of the business Dick. Happy New Year.