Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008


As the end of the year comes to a close in a few hours, I figured I would do my best to kind of sum up how the year went.
Heath Ledger kicked the bucket. He died from an overdose of prescription drugs. Before he died he made the Dark Knight and I think his death makes him even more legendary.
The Yankees were a terrible baseball team. They bought all the finest players and proved their worth by getting destroyed and not even making the playoffs. To show that they never fucking learn, they just bought the top 3 free agents this winter for millions and millions of dollars to prove that they can still buy lots of product to fail.
In New York our Governor resigned due to the fact that he was banging hookers. He was found to even have them travel down to D.C. from New York. At least he was putting money back into NY. Go back a few entries if you need to be refreshed about what I think of the new Governor.
We elected our first black president. It was a long fight, but America realized that if we didn't elect him we would be lead by a corpse for 4 years.
Sarah Palin became a household name for all the wrong reasons. She was nice to look at, but painful to listen to. She is the biggest moron without the last name "Hilton."
Tina Fey made it big this year. She starred in Baby Mama. She also had another great season of 30 Rock. Her best work, however, was showing the world how stupid Sarah Palin is on SNL skits. She also made it to sex symbol status.
Gas prices were about $4 a gallon for a long ass time and greedy execs were raking in the dough. We then went downhill as a country and gas is the lowest it's been in 5 years.
The biggest story this year was our economy. We are now in a recession thanks to corporate greed and stupidity on our part. Because of this we lost Linens 'N Things. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Kwanzaa


Kwanzaa is a holiday we have all heard about by now. It is supposedly equal to Christmas and Hanukkah, but is as highly regarded as Festivus. Everyone jokes about it quietly, but I'll be the one to question it as loudly and obnoxiously as possible here.

Nobody knows what the fuck Kwanzaa is. We all know that it was invented in the 60's and is celebrated by African Americans. Don't get me wrong I am not a racist and think that people should honor their culture. I don't think making up random holidays is celebrating your culture.

I know that Christmas and Hanukkah represent and celebrate miracles that happened way before toilet paper was invented. We have no real way of confiming if they actually happened. However, Kwanzaa was invented by a guy who basically wanted to stick it to the white man and offer a third holiday.

Even if you're going to invent a holiday at least make it not resemble the other ones you are against. Hannukah has 8 nights, Kwanzaa 7 days...ooooooooooohh big difference. One fucking day. The Jews light a minora and Kwanzaa has a kinara. Copycats.

I think I will invent my own holiday next year. I will call it Shleplick. It will be celebrated for 9 days. We will light a candleholder called a finera. There will be lots presents and we will eat baked spam. Until then...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Jam Bands



I don't get the point. I love music and all different kinds of instruments. The only types of music I hate are: Country, R&B, most new rap, and jam bands. I will get to the others sometime in the future, but tonight is all about the jam bands.

I will admit that I like Dave Matthews and most of his songs. I have seen him in concert a few times and enjoyed myself for the most part. There are times, however, that they will play song like All Along the Watchtower and that shit lasts like 35 fuckin' minutes. Why? Sing, dance, strum your little fuckin violin and move on to the next song. You don't need to play the same beats over and over and over and over and over again. We get it. You can keep a beat and you just dropped a shitload of acid. Whoopity fuckin' doo. Play Ants Marching now.

Grateful Dead has some awesome songs and so do some of these other bands, but why must they play a 4 hour concert with only 5 songs? It doesn't make sense. I came to see a show and hear a broad variety of songs. If I wanted to hear the same thing over and over again I would scratch a cd and just drop acid in my apartment and save myself parking and ticket prices. Christ Sakes.

Honestly these bands put on these shows because they get big crowds and that equals big money. The people go to these shows because they love the music. They love the music because they just took some potent shit. That is the only way you will enjoy this shit is if you: A.) Shower once a week (if that) B.)Have some stoner friends to share with C.) Like to jump around in the heat, humidity, and rain to some motherfucker hitting the same chord on his ukelele for 2 hours because you dropped acid, shrooms, and smoked some Northern Lights on the van ride over.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

David Paterson


If you do not know who this man is yet please throw yourself in front of a tractor trailer. He is the current Governor of New York. The first African American Governor in New York. He is also a blind cocksucker. He was also the topic of a controversial skit on SNL (which I thought was hysterical.) I wonder if he saw it... ohhh...that's right he is fucking blind!

I refer to him as a "cocksucker" because I wish that he were not blind so all New Yorkers could come together and take turns gouging his fucking eyes out so he becomes blind...you know, the fun way.

New York is currently the only state that charges a "luxury tax" for toilet paper. Boy, it sure is so much fun to wipe my ass. Since when did wiping your ass become a luxury? Are we supposed to let shit cake up and learn to live with rashes?

This prick Paterson has come up with the genius idea to tax New Yorkers for basically everything now but breathing. I'm sure we will be charged for each breathe soon.

He wants to tax more gasoline prices, movies, sporting events, plays, mp3 downloads, and even sugar soda. He is calling the sugar soda an "obesity tax" and it will also count for any sugary liquid that contains less than 70% real juice.Unfucking real.

He is also going to start charging Native Americans NY taxes for cigarettes. They have been allowed to sell them on their reservations forever sort of like a "gentleman's agreement" for us stealing their land and slaughtering them. Now he wants to charge them! We are charging them for the shit we stole from them! It's like cutting off somebody's dong and then selling it back to him. Ouch.

You know this blind motherfucker gets all kind of discounts and special help because he can't tell the differene between his dick and his toes when he looks down. And now he is fucking the whole state in the ass. Too bad we took the luxury to wipe.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Pagers


Back before there were affordable cell phones we had pagers. The pager fad was all the rage for a while and you weren't cool unless you had a pager. Then everyone got a cellphone and the pager faded away into oblivion.

I find it odd that the most common place to find a pager is in a hospital. In a place where the newest technological contraptions are being used to save lives, pagers are worn on doctors. I have seen doctors walking around with 2 or 3 of them. WTF? If there is a fucking emergency wouldn't a cellphone be a better option? A device where you can either answer and find out directly what is going on or at least be able to call back. Fucking crazy.

All I am saying is that if I am ever in the hospital and my doctor comes rolling up to my bed with a pager on I will deck the motherfucker for endangering my life.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Wealthy Whiners


This past Spring I graduated with my Masters in Elementary Education. In my last semester I took some bullshit class with two professors. We originally only had one, but they felt that the class was too big (a whopping 20 of us)and brought in another one. Instead of splitting us up they kept us in one stuffy room and the two of them took turns spewing out nonsense.

One day they were talking about what teachers will run into in public school life. They mentioned problems with parents and low salaries. They said how salaries and respect never match the work you do. They said how the salaries are so poor that most teachers have to get a second job (like them.)

Fast forward to yesterday. I am perusing my local paper online and sure enough for no particular reason they decided to publish the salaries of all the teachers who work in the district these two ass monkeys work for. One was hired in 1971 and makes $120,109. The other was hired in 1992 and makes $116,247. WHAT???? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

It sucks for the first teacher that she has 21 years more of experience and only makes about 4k more than the other teacher, but c'mon! These salaries don't even account for how much they make as professors! How can you complain about salaries when you make as much as some principals do?

I support teachers and decent salaries. Even if you do make that much as a teacher or administrator, never talk about your financial hardships to people struggling. If you do, you're an ass and should be set ablaze in your pile of money.

Friday, December 12, 2008

OMB


OMB is something that has been a problem with society ever since the invention of the sweatpants. Sweatpants were made for athletic people so they can run and play comfortably without all the restrictions of jeans and slacks. This has caused a problem, however, with a breed of human that we have all experienced....the elderly man. They tend to wear their sweats a size or two too small therefore resulting in Moose Knuckles, or as I like to call it OMB(Old Man Balls.)

Maybe it is because once you hit 80 you have nobody to impress and sweats are the easiest thing to slip on and slip off (especially if your prostate is about to explode.) I just don't understand why their families or friends don't just tell them that the pants are too fucking tight? Why must all the world see the veins in your scrotum?

If you have ever encountered an old man in sweats you know he is dangling one in one pantleg and one in the other. It looks like he has measuring weights in his pants. Isn't it uncomfortable to have your boys spread out like that?

All I know is that when I get old I will either have decent size sweat pants, wear a cup, or throw myself in front of a train. I figure these are logical solutions to avoiding the exposure of my OMB.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

1/4 Circle

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I figure anyone who reads the title of this will have to ponder for a minute what the fuck a 1/4 of a circle looks like, but better yet why I'm talking about it. Good pondering on your part. Now stop it.

There are a lot of things in life that annoy me. If you have read any other entries in this blog you can clearly agree that I basically hate everyone and everything. There are some things that bother more than most, and the 1/4 circle is one.

The 1/4 i am referring to is the one that appears on my front windshield because the damn wiper doesn't touch it. I understand there are other parts of he windshield that are unprotected by the madness of my wipers, but this is the most noticeable.

No matter how many fucking times I wipe my windows, or how fast I put my wipers on there is always a 1/4 circle of ridiculous dirt that accumulates. We have all kinds of machines and gadgets that can wipe our asses, tell us our heartbeat, and even make lights shut off simply by clapping...but still a non-perfect window cleaner? BULLSHIT!

That fucking guy who invented the intermittant windshield wipers was the focus of a recent movie starring Greg Kinnear. He changed our lives that he got a damn movie about it. That is not good enough. I want a man (or woman) to come up with some sort of device that just swipes the shit out of my windshield so that there is zero dirt or smudge on my windows. Is that too much to fucking ask?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

McShake


I will give McDonalds the benefit of the doubt in this blog. I haven't had a McShake in a few years. They might have changed the ingredients and make it a semi-decent shake, but I doubt it.

Back in the day when you ordered a milkshake you were given three options: vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry. The only problem is they are the same exact thing. Same taste and pretty much the same color.

There really is not much to say about this topic. Go to your local McD's and buy all three flavors. I know you'll agree that they are all the same. If not, you're an ass or do not possess tastebuds. Either way, not my problem.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Mayo


Ever since I was a kid I could never understand mayo. It looks nasty, smells nasty, and just makes everything it is put on taste putrid. Who the hell came up with this and why?

When I was in nursery school I was best friends with twin brothers. One of them would eat peanut butter and jelly with me, but the other one always ate peanut butter and mayo. It was nauseating to watch as the peanut butter and mayo would fall out a little and on to the plate. He later told me that he ate it once and it made him throw up so he never had it again. Thank god.

The crazy thing is I like all of the ingredients in it. I love mustard, vegetable oil, lemon juice, and eggs. I don't like them all together, but they serve a bit of use with other things. It's like putting french toast, pizza, a cheeseburger,mustard and broccoli in a blender. It might also be that the eggs are raw. I don't know,all I know is it is nasty. Keep that shit away from me.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Asshole Kutcher


I can't stand this fucking guy! Why is he considered a celebrity? He has absolutely no talent and more money than the president. I am not a supporter of Bush by any means, but he is the fucking leader of the free world. All Asshole Kutcher does is fuck Demi Moore and shitty commercials.

I didn't like him in That 70's Show mainly because the show itself wasn't too funny. His character was too far over the top and he did a horrible acting job playing the retard...if that was acting.

He then did Punk'd. He made it seem like he was the one behind the scenes. You know there is a team of writers and other people who collaborate and make up the pranks. He just sat there every week with his stupid trucker hat and annoyingly yelled at the camera. No need for yelling fuckface, we get you're a prankster. Yay for you.

He has been in a few movies that have bombed. The most notable one is the one where he tried to give serious acting a try alongside Kevin Costner. Big deal, Kevin Costner has starred with fucking wolves. The wolves knew their lines.

Now, Asshole Kutcher is married to Demi Moore. Don't get me wrong, she is still pretty hot. The only problem is she was cool to nail back in the 80's and 90's. He is kind of late to the game.

Lastly, I hate those goddamn Nikon commercials where Asshole parades around parties with his camera and tries to act slick. Nobody gives a fuck about you or your camera. Put that shit in your pocket and go take some shots of your wife, cause in five years it will look like she has 4 knees (if you catch my drift.) Fucker.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

CraYOn


There is a town not too far from where I live. In this town live a bunch of folks who look (and for the most part act) like normal human beings. You cannot spot what is amiss right away. You could go weeks, months, even years before you notice their major flaw. They cannot pronounce the word "crayon."

Now, this town is in the state right next to mine. Granted it is a different state, but the towns closest to me in that state pronounce the word correctly. I have had debates on this topic with some of the residents. They insist on saying "cran." Can you believe that shit? You can get a Pakistani off a plane and hand him a Crayola and ask him what it is. I give him a 95% chance that he'll say "crayon." He may say it a bit funny but c'mon he doesn't know the language and he just got off a goddamn plane. Cut him some slack you fucking racist!

I know that different cultures, religions, towns, etc. all have different ways of saying things. I don't think "crayon" is one of those things. I am pretty sure we all agree that you pronounce the "y" and "o." All except for these freaks who continue to live in our country and piss on our language. Either start pronouncing the "y's" and "o's" in "crayon" or get the fuck out of my country!

-Dedicated to T.F. and anybody else from N.F. who can't talk English good.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Vegemite


Who really eats this shit? Even the smell of it alone makes me want to vomit. It looks like shit and tastes like it too.

If you are not familiar with Vegemite it is a product of Australia. It is a brown sort of paste that is used like peanut butter. You can spread it on crackers or use it in sandwiches. It is like a by-product of beer or some shit, but tastes nothing like it.

Essentially, Aussies are out of their fucking mind. Maybe being so damn far from civilization has drove them completely fucking insane. Eating this is like scraping dog shit off of your shoe and putting it on melba toast. MMM....scrumptious.