2008

As the end of the year comes to a close in a few hours, I figured I would do my best to kind of sum up how the year went.
Heath Ledger kicked the bucket. He died from an overdose of prescription drugs. Before he died he made the Dark Knight and I think his death makes him even more legendary.
The Yankees were a terrible baseball team. They bought all the finest players and proved their worth by getting destroyed and not even making the playoffs. To show that they never fucking learn, they just bought the top 3 free agents this winter for millions and millions of dollars to prove that they can still buy lots of product to fail.
In New York our Governor resigned due to the fact that he was banging hookers. He was found to even have them travel down to D.C. from New York. At least he was putting money back into NY. Go back a few entries if you need to be refreshed about what I think of the new Governor.
We elected our first black president. It was a long fight, but America realized that if we didn't elect him we would be lead by a corpse for 4 years.
Sarah Palin became a household name for all the wrong reasons. She was nice to look at, but painful to listen to. She is the biggest moron without the last name "Hilton."
Tina Fey made it big this year. She starred in Baby Mama. She also had another great season of 30 Rock. Her best work, however, was showing the world how stupid Sarah Palin is on SNL skits. She also made it to sex symbol status.
Gas prices were about $4 a gallon for a long ass time and greedy execs were raking in the dough. We then went downhill as a country and gas is the lowest it's been in 5 years.
The biggest story this year was our economy. We are now in a recession thanks to corporate greed and stupidity on our part. Because of this we lost Linens 'N Things. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????

Kwanzaa

Kwanzaa is a holiday we have all heard about by now. It is supposedly equal to Christmas and Hanukkah, but is as highly regarded as Festivus. Everyone jokes about it quietly, but I'll be the one to question it as loudly and obnoxiously as possible here.

Nobody knows what the fuck Kwanzaa is. We all know that it was invented in the 60's and is celebrated by African Americans. Don't get me wrong I am not a racist and think that people should honor their culture. I don't think making up random holidays is celebrating your culture.

I know that Christmas and Hanukkah represent and celebrate miracles that happened way before toilet paper was invented. We have no real way of confiming if they actually happened. However, Kwanzaa was invented by a guy who basically wanted to stick it to the white man and offer a third holiday.

Even if you're going to invent a holiday at least make it not resemble the other ones you are against. Hannukah has 8 nights, Kwanzaa 7 days...ooooooooooohh big difference. One fucking day. The Jews light a minora and Kwanzaa has a kinara. Copycats.

I think I will invent my own holiday next year. I will call it Shleplick. It will be celebrated for 9 days. We will light a candleholder called a finera. There will be lots presents and we will eat baked spam. Until then...

Jam Bands

I don't get the point. I love music and all different kinds of instruments. The only types of music I hate are: Country, R&B, most new rap, and jam bands. I will get to the others sometime in the future, but tonight is all about the jam bands.

I will admit that I like Dave Matthews and most of his songs. I have seen him in concert a few times and enjoyed myself for the most part. There are times, however, that they will play song like All Along the Watchtower and that shit lasts like 35 fuckin' minutes. Why? Sing, dance, strum your little fuckin violin and move on to the next song. You don't need to play the same beats over and over and over and over and over again. We get it. You can keep a beat and you just dropped a shitload of acid. Whoopity fuckin' doo. Play Ants Marching now.

Grateful Dead has some awesome songs and so do some of these other bands, but why must they play a 4 hour concert with only 5 songs? It doesn't make sense. I came to see a show and hear a broad variety of songs. If I wanted to hear the same thing over and over again I would scratch a cd and just drop acid in my apartment and save myself parking and ticket prices. Christ Sakes.

Honestly these bands put on these shows because they get big crowds and that equals big money. The people go to these shows because they love the music. They love the music because they just took some potent shit. That is the only way you will enjoy this shit is if you: A.) Shower once a week (if that) B.)Have some stoner friends to share with C.) Like to jump around in the heat, humidity, and rain to some motherfucker hitting the same chord on his ukelele for 2 hours because you dropped acid, shrooms, and smoked some Northern Lights on the van ride over.

David Paterson

If you do not know who this man is yet please throw yourself in front of a tractor trailer. He is the current Governor of New York. The first African American Governor in New York. He is also a blind cocksucker. He was also the topic of a controversial skit on SNL (which I thought was hysterical.) I wonder if he saw it... ohhh...that's right he is fucking blind!

I refer to him as a "cocksucker" because I wish that he were not blind so all New Yorkers could come together and take turns gouging his fucking eyes out so he becomes blind...you know, the fun way.

New York is currently the only state that charges a "luxury tax" for toilet paper. Boy, it sure is so much fun to wipe my ass. Since when did wiping your ass become a luxury? Are we supposed to let shit cake up and learn to live with rashes?

This prick Paterson has come up with the genius idea to tax New Yorkers for basically everything now but breathing. I'm sure we will be charged for each breathe soon.

He wants to tax more gasoline prices, movies, sporting events, plays, mp3 downloads, and even sugar soda. He is calling the sugar soda an "obesity tax" and it will also count for any sugary liquid that contains less than 70% real juice.Unfucking real.

He is also going to start charging Native Americans NY taxes for cigarettes. They have been allowed to sell them on their reservations forever sort of like a "gentleman's agreement" for us stealing their land and slaughtering them. Now he wants to charge them! We are charging them for the shit we stole from them! It's like cutting off somebody's dong and then selling it back to him. Ouch.

You know this blind motherfucker gets all kind of discounts and special help because he can't tell the differene between his dick and his toes when he looks down. And now he is fucking the whole state in the ass. Too bad we took the luxury to wipe.

Pagers

Back before there were affordable cell phones we had pagers. The pager fad was all the rage for a while and you weren't cool unless you had a pager. Then everyone got a cellphone and the pager faded away into oblivion.

I find it odd that the most common place to find a pager is in a hospital. In a place where the newest technological contraptions are being used to save lives, pagers are worn on doctors. I have seen doctors walking around with 2 or 3 of them. WTF? If there is a fucking emergency wouldn't a cellphone be a better option? A device where you can either answer and find out directly what is going on or at least be able to call back. Fucking crazy.

All I am saying is that if I am ever in the hospital and my doctor comes rolling up to my bed with a pager on I will deck the motherfucker for endangering my life.

Wealthy Whiners

This past Spring I graduated with my Masters in Elementary Education. In my last semester I took some bullshit class with two professors. We originally only had one, but they felt that the class was too big (a whopping 20 of us)and brought in another one. Instead of splitting us up they kept us in one stuffy room and the two of them took turns spewing out nonsense.

One day they were talking about what teachers will run into in public school life. They mentioned problems with parents and low salaries. They said how salaries and respect never match the work you do. They said how the salaries are so poor that most teachers have to get a second job (like them.)

Fast forward to yesterday. I am perusing my local paper online and sure enough for no particular reason they decided to publish the salaries of all the teachers who work in the district these two ass monkeys work for. One was hired in 1971 and makes $120,109. The other was hired in 1992 and makes $116,247. WHAT???? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

It sucks for the first teacher that she has 21 years more of experience and only makes about 4k more than the other teacher, but c'mon! These salaries don't even account for how much they make as professors! How can you complain about salaries when you make as much as some principals do?

I support teachers and decent salaries. Even if you do make that much as a teacher or administrator, never talk about your financial hardships to people struggling. If you do, you're an ass and should be set ablaze in your pile of money.

OMB

OMB is something that has been a problem with society ever since the invention of the sweatpants. Sweatpants were made for athletic people so they can run and play comfortably without all the restrictions of jeans and slacks. This has caused a problem, however, with a breed of human that we have all experienced....the elderly man. They tend to wear their sweats a size or two too small therefore resulting in Moose Knuckles, or as I like to call it OMB(Old Man Balls.)

Maybe it is because once you hit 80 you have nobody to impress and sweats are the easiest thing to slip on and slip off (especially if your prostate is about to explode.) I just don't understand why their families or friends don't just tell them that the pants are too fucking tight? Why must all the world see the veins in your scrotum?

If you have ever encountered an old man in sweats you know he is dangling one in one pantleg and one in the other. It looks like he has measuring weights in his pants. Isn't it uncomfortable to have your boys spread out like that?

All I know is that when I get old I will either have decent size sweat pants, wear a cup, or throw myself in front of a train. I figure these are logical solutions to avoiding the exposure of my OMB.