Sluttyween

Somewhere between 13 and 16 Halloween takes a turn. Guys always do stupid costumes and girls (for the most part) dress likes they are ready to be knocked up on the spot.

They continue to dress this way into adulthood and sometimes into their middle ages (if their looks hang on.) Since when did a cowgirl's skirt become so low that I can see lippage? I met the devil and I don't remember him having long blonde hair and supple breasts. And the girl scout? That is some twisted shit! Are you out to seduce the kid diddling psychopaths that get turned on by little girls?

Halloween for little kids is always fun, but let's face the fact that when you hit a certain age it's all about getting ass. Happy Sluttyween.

World of Warcraft

I am a fan of video games. I like to play a good game or two when I am in the mood for some killin'. However, nerds across the world unite all day and night to play World of Warcraft or as they call it "WOW."

My wife is one of these nerds. I will come home from work on some days to her talking into her headset about wind power and fire power. She will meet people in imaginary lands and do missions. This will continue on until 3 in the morning.

Basically I am married to a nerd. I don't need to go any further with this. I think I will get her a pocket protector for her Xmas stocking.

Mystery

With Halloween a few days away I figured I would write about this freakshow. VH1 gave this guy Mystery his own called the Pick Up Artist and it has him teaching a bunch of losers how to pick up women. The concept is cool, but THIS guy is an expert? WHAT THE FUCK?

First of all he always has a set of googles on his head. Unless he is some sort of red baron and he just flew in after a raid on the Germans there is no need for them. He is also sickly and pale. He should look into ditching the googles and goth gear and go outside and get some sun. I do not endorse a fake tan. You should know this.

Secondly, he uses all these little terms and phrases that are just plain moronic. When you move in on a woman in a bar and begin talking to her it is called a "set." When you get either verbal or non-verbal ques that someone is interested it is called an Indicator of Interest or IOI. Mystery loves to use this term.

Besides the goth look, the googles, the black nail polish...this guy is gay. I'm sorry, but the only reason he gets women to talk to him is that they do not feel like he is a threat. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but there is something wrong with lying to the nation to help out some nerds. What a sham.

Allison

So I recently saw an episode of Intervention that made me laugh so hard. Of course I felt bad for this girl in some way, but she was too crazy. Her addiction was computer cleaner. She buys up to 10 cans a day and inhales all of them. She was insane.

I have watched Intervention a few times and every now and then I'll get a chuckle or two, but nothing like this. I highly suggest looking this episode up. I know it will be on in the next few days. If you miss it look for it on youtube or something.

What idiot invented this shit? Who thought it would be a good idea to breathe in computer cleaner? I hope that person died a painful and meaningless death, but their innards are clean as a whistle.

Here is a video tribute to Allison I found to give you a taste:

Fabulous

How the hell did a sexual orientation steal a word and declare it its own? How the hell can you do that? Is that legal? Who said they could do that?

I have nothing against homosexuality. But I do have something against them claiming words like a free agent in a baseball waiver and making me look like an ass if I use it.

Why "fabulous?" It seems like such a fun and exciting word to use...only I wouldn't know. I have been trained by society not to use it at all costs. If I ever let it slip out of my mouth, you better believe people would think I like am a little light in the loafers.

I think we should negotiate with the gays and try to get that word back. Maybe we can make a deal. We could give them "malnourish" and/or "tubular." I think it would be a fair trade...let's hope it's not too late.

Tanning Salons

Unless you have some sort of medical condition that prevents you from going outside or your skin pigment is fucked up, why the fuck do people tan in a store? This is the most ridiculous shit ever. You people are the reason that the pet fucking rock was such a hit.

I know people who go tanning 12 months a year and they either look like they fell in some strange orange toxic liquid or that they had their skin replaced by leather. Either way, not a good look. People who get fake tans are like guys who wear toupees...we all know it's fake and we laugh and make fun of you behind your back.

If it is summertime and the sun is beating and it is 95 degrees outside, put on a bathing suit and sit in the sun for a little while. You will save some money (which makes sense in a fucking recession) and you will also not be such a conforming prissy douchebag.

If it is winter and you live in some sort of sub-arctic region where there is little sunshine and people know you have not been in Jamaica for the past two months, let it go. You do not need to look like burnt turd in a snowstorm.

I think anytime I see a fake tan I might just pour a huge bucket of water on their head. I figure they like simulated light, so I'll give them simulated rain. Fucking pathetic...

Certified Escort Vehicle Driver

This is the job to have. I totally fucked up in life. If I could turn back time and smack the hell out of my old self and change professions, this is the road I think I would take(no pun intended.)

These are the people you see who drive the cars or trucks on the highway in front of and behind a "Wide Load" truck. How fucking easy is that? Your only purpose in life is to tell people "hey shitlick, watch out for the giant fucking house on a truck behind me!" I could do that.

I wouldn't mind getting some XM radio in there and hitting the road in front of the house truck. Sometimes maybe the driver for the car/truck behind the house truck could fuck with people. Maybe we would sandwich a moped so it would say "Wide Load" on our trucks, but we would be escorted a shitty bike. Maybe we would also ge tthe driver of the house truck to park in the middle of a highway and we could pretend to be "living" in the house. I think people would love to see a show. Especially if they are stuck in traffic due to a giant fucking house blocking their way.