Asshole Kutcher

I can't stand this fucking guy! Why is he considered a celebrity? He has absolutely no talent and more money than the president. I am not a supporter of Bush by any means, but he is the fucking leader of the free world. All Asshole Kutcher does is fuck Demi Moore and shitty commercials.

I didn't like him in That 70's Show mainly because the show itself wasn't too funny. His character was too far over the top and he did a horrible acting job playing the retard...if that was acting.

He then did Punk'd. He made it seem like he was the one behind the scenes. You know there is a team of writers and other people who collaborate and make up the pranks. He just sat there every week with his stupid trucker hat and annoyingly yelled at the camera. No need for yelling fuckface, we get you're a prankster. Yay for you.

He has been in a few movies that have bombed. The most notable one is the one where he tried to give serious acting a try alongside Kevin Costner. Big deal, Kevin Costner has starred with fucking wolves. The wolves knew their lines.

Now, Asshole Kutcher is married to Demi Moore. Don't get me wrong, she is still pretty hot. The only problem is she was cool to nail back in the 80's and 90's. He is kind of late to the game.

Lastly, I hate those goddamn Nikon commercials where Asshole parades around parties with his camera and tries to act slick. Nobody gives a fuck about you or your camera. Put that shit in your pocket and go take some shots of your wife, cause in five years it will look like she has 4 knees (if you catch my drift.) Fucker.

CraYOn

There is a town not too far from where I live. In this town live a bunch of folks who look (and for the most part act) like normal human beings. You cannot spot what is amiss right away. You could go weeks, months, even years before you notice their major flaw. They cannot pronounce the word "crayon."

Now, this town is in the state right next to mine. Granted it is a different state, but the towns closest to me in that state pronounce the word correctly. I have had debates on this topic with some of the residents. They insist on saying "cran." Can you believe that shit? You can get a Pakistani off a plane and hand him a Crayola and ask him what it is. I give him a 95% chance that he'll say "crayon." He may say it a bit funny but c'mon he doesn't know the language and he just got off a goddamn plane. Cut him some slack you fucking racist!

I know that different cultures, religions, towns, etc. all have different ways of saying things. I don't think "crayon" is one of those things. I am pretty sure we all agree that you pronounce the "y" and "o." All except for these freaks who continue to live in our country and piss on our language. Either start pronouncing the "y's" and "o's" in "crayon" or get the fuck out of my country!

-Dedicated to T.F. and anybody else from N.F. who can't talk English good.

Vegemite

Who really eats this shit? Even the smell of it alone makes me want to vomit. It looks like shit and tastes like it too.

If you are not familiar with Vegemite it is a product of Australia. It is a brown sort of paste that is used like peanut butter. You can spread it on crackers or use it in sandwiches. It is like a by-product of beer or some shit, but tastes nothing like it.

Essentially, Aussies are out of their fucking mind. Maybe being so damn far from civilization has drove them completely fucking insane. Eating this is like scraping dog shit off of your shoe and putting it on melba toast. MMM....scrumptious.

Keyboard Numbers

Why the hell are there two sets of numbers on a keyboard? Are you that fucking lazy that you can't reach up on top of the letters to reach your precious numbers? I never even use the right side of my keyboard.

Every now and then I might need the services of my arrow keys. Other than that I don't even know why that shit is there. Couldn't we get rid of that side and make it more compact? Numberlock? When do I need to lock my numbers? What the fuck for?

I think in this horrific economical abyss we are falling into, the computer companies should get their shit together and stop wasting time producing all these extra numbers. Save time, money, and energy and rid the right side completely. Use those resources to make a keyboard that needs no touch. It can just read my mind and type what I am thinking. So what I am writing now would be by thought. So would this. And this. This I would type manually to make a point. But here I go again using my mind and not fingers to type. Double numbers...

Peanuts

I was flipping through the channels tonight and I saw a Peanuts movie on. It was one of my favorites as a kid. I loved Snoopy and all those little snobby bastards he hung out with.

As an adult I find these cartoons to be rather fucked up. Everyone always comments on the lack of adult supervision or the "wa wa wa wa" dialect that the adults speak. This is disturbing, but that angle of it has been beaten to a pulp. I see some other troubling things.

The first thing that troubles me is Snoopy's collar is way too tight. I bet if you looked under it you would have some of the worst rugburn ever. How the ASPCA hasn't come over and removed him is amazing. It is also amazing that he is allowed to freely come and go as he pleases. There are no set boundaries for him. Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer would get his ass in gear.

Aside from these kids being left alone all day, what about Pigpen? You mean to tell me this little ball of dust and shit hasn't been scooped up by CPS? The kid is literally a mound of dirt and nobody ever thinks to call the proper authorities?

Lastly, why are the girls freely allowed to chill with the boys alone? Sally loves Linus and you know Charlie Brown was drugging Lucy and hitting that. If these kids can recite Yeats poems and play Beethoven, then they damn well can play hide the salami.

Basically if you have a kid that you like to leave home all day and night unsupervised alone with a dog and a revolving door of friends, then at least have them shower every now and then. Also, leave a box of condoms. Be safe you negligent fuck!

Tramp Stamps

Some girls wake up in the morning and decide "I'm going to get a corny tattoo right above my ass. That should get me some attention." Truer words have never been spoken. But why?

Chances are you are already getting attention if a guy is staring at your ass. A butterfly, rose, fairy, or asian symbol nobody (including you) knows about is not needed.

There are plenty of females who would argue this and say they did it because it would "look cute" or that "I just like the way it looks." Bullshit. You know you did it to get attention. Just like the low cut tops, whale tails, and tight ass jeans. Attention.

So ladies, if you have a trampstamp or are planning on getting one please at least be truthful about it. You don't want to be a liar on top of being a filthy whore.

Updates

As a society we are way too excited to update people with our lives. We feel the need to go out of our way to tell people what we're up to or what is going on with our lives. What we need to figure out soon is that nobody gives a shit.

A guy my parents were kind of friends with back in the day used to make a fucking bi-yearly newsletter telling us all about his job, his wife, the kids, and their dogs. WHY? I have enough useless bathrrom reading, it's called the Pennysaver.

The newest way of constantly updating people is on social networks like Facebook. You can change your status whenever you want and let people know what is going on. This has gotten way out of hand.

I know people that feel the need to change their status at least 4 times a day. "I am in the shower." "I am going to drop my coat at the dry cleaners." "Going to go to happy hour with the girls. LOL. WASTED!" Do these people really think we give two shits? Am I sitting at my computer saying "oh so the girls are going to the bar to get wasted. Why that is funny!" NO!

If you are going to give somebody an update, make sure they ask for it first. If not, you better make it something interesting like: a midget is running around in a giraffe costume on your lawn. Then I'll care.