Deer Xing

Why do we have deer crossing signs? Are there little paths that humans set up for them to safely cross a road? Why are these signs yellow? Did the deer have a say in any of this?

Deer crossing signs drive me nuts because you never see any fucking deer near them! Any time you see a deer it is always running across the street near no signage.

I guess we expect them to see the sign and slowly walk over to it and run across from that point. There is one problem with this line of thinking...deer can't read human. Not English, Spanish, German, Latin...nothing.

I think the government can save a lot of money by just posting one deer crossing sign at the beginning of a road or highway and have it with the deer running and something underneath it like (next 200 miles.) Then they wouldn't be such dirty fucking liars.

Cheating

So on Friday I was home early and I heard my upstairs neighbor run down her stairs, unlock the front door, and then run back up. About ten minutes later I hear somebody walk up the stair. I had music on and was writing an e-mail to a friend at the time. About twenty minutes later I hear my neighbor screaming "oh my god" and "YES YES YES" amongst a lot of moaning and groaning.

After a few hours I see the fellow (who is not her husband) walking down my street. I felt horrible for her husband. He could be the biggest douche of a husband, but does he deserve that?

Anyways, they have been screaming a lot and tonight as I was watching tv I heard him yell "I know he is here all the time. People tell me he parks his truck down the street and walks." So she screams at him that nothing happened, but she wants to be with the other guy.

If you are already busted for having a guy park his truck a mile away and everyone sees him come to your house and stay for hours, shouldn't you just 'fess up to the truth? Especially after you tell the other person that you want to be with the other man and not your husband. It might not hurt much more to just admit you had his dick in you.

People are fucking crazy. I don't condone cheating, but if the husband stays...he has a right to get fucked over again...literally.

Bars

I think bars are fun only in certain situations. The first and most important one is that you are single and want to get some ass. The second is if you are meeting a big group of people. A good example of this is meeting co-workers on a Friday after work for happy hour. The third is some sort of event like karaoke or a wet t-shirt competition. All understandable.

What I don't understand is why people chose to go and spend their whole paycheck standing in a crowded shithole screaming back and forth to their friends. I mean you go to a bar and spend $5 for a bar (plus tip) when you could spend that for a six pack at home.

I understand people like to socialize and all, but small crowded bars are ridiculous. You know the ones, where you are pushed up against the jukebox with your hand unwillingly on some dude's ass and you have to wait for some movement in the crowd before you have enough room to pick up your glass to take a sip of your beer.

So if you ever see me at the bar it will be for a good reason. Either I was kidnapped or I am wasted already. Fuck you for judging me!

Fecal Art

I read an article recently about the legitamacy and beauty of fecal art. For some of you who have the IQ of a gnat, fecal art is the art in which shit is used. After reading this article my head almost imploded.

It amazes me that our society is so fucked up that they think that last night's pot roast and corn is art just because it is splattered on a canvas. Why do people buy it? How can they pay good money to see it hanging in a gallery? Where do I sign up?

Do people go to these galleries and pick apart the brain of the artist? Do they say things like "this piece is an example of angst and desire" "the artist lusts after another" "phenominal use of shading and design!"

I worked with troubled kids for years and the guideline for kids who played with shit or smeared it on things is that they were sexually abused and fucked up. What message are we sending these kids by saying that it is wrong to smear shit on things unless it involves a canvass and can be sold in a gallery?

Seriously, if people pay a lot of money to see shit on a canvas, then I am literally flushing down my future kid's college education everyday. Basically, we all have the tools and potential to be artists. Mom would be proud of her lil artist.

Bad 'N Shitty

Now that Halloween has passed and we now have officially elected the first African American president, I feel it is time to rant on an important issue...licorice.

Black licorice is disgusting. It tastes like you are chewing on an old man's shoe. The taste is horrible and you spend so much time chewing it for nothing pleasurable in return.

Red Twizzlers are ok, but i prefer the shoestring cherry ones. They have taste and I like that I don't feel like I did all that work for nothing. I gots minez!

After working with children for so long I always notice that after Halloween kids always try to trade away Good 'N Plenty for something more pleasing. You just have bags of candy lying around filled with this shit. Even first graders aren't dumb enough to trade away their crappy Milk Duds for an even crappier Good 'N Plenty.

Why do people buy this shit for halloween? Have you ever seen anyone actually purchase it at the store to eat themselves? No. They only buy it for Halloween to give away. You sadistic fuckers. I think the kids will agree that they would rather get nothing than crap in a box.

We live in a new time. We have a new president. We are in the beginning stages of a financial meltdown. Please do your part and don't buy Bad 'N Shitty. If you do, make good use of it and shove it up your ass.

Get Yo Ass Down To Vote!

With our economy in the shitter and our international image damaged, we need to speak up as a country and vote. Today is the day for people to voice their opinions and help to make a change.
Four years ago we had a choice between two douchebags of different parties. There was not much of a difference between both of them and I think Kerry would have been just as moronic as Bush has.
If you can legally buy cigarettes and porn then get your ass down to vote. If you were too fucking lazy to register in the first place, you should be lined up behind an old storage shed and put down. You're useless and a drain on society.
Make sure you vote for who YOU think the best candidate is. Don't go by mom, dad, your loser fucking boyfriend, dying uncle Ned. You should think for yourself. Also, does it really matter who Nelly is voting for? I mean, where the fuck has he been for years? Celebrity endorsements are a joke.
Now, I have always been an independent and look at the candidates and their agendas. I have been outspoken about how I am voting for Obama, but I am not here to give my two cents. I hope you get off your lazy ass and vote. If you don't vote, hopefully you are leaning more towards McCain. Asshole.

Breaking da Law

So today I drove into the wonderful shithole called New York City. A place I feel has the appeal of wooden toilet paper. I hate New York, but I will get into that another time.

Anyways, I was driving to JFK Airport to pick up a friend. I am on the phone with my dad on my bluetooth. For some reason the bluetooth was not working properly. I turned it off and spoke to him without the bluetooth. I was at the Whitestone Bridge sitting in traffic and not moving. While sitting going 0 miles per hour, a scummy looking bridge cop puts his head in my window and says:
"Excuse me sir, do you need me to call 911 for medical assistance?"
"Nope. I'm all good" I told him.
He peers into my backseat and starts looking around.
"You sure sir? You don't need any medical attention."
"No."
"Well sir, the reason I am asking is because you are currently on a handheld device while operating a vehicle" he says in a dickhead manner.
"I am holding a phone, but I am not driving" was my retort.
"Is your car in 'drive'?" He says this while leaning his greasy head further in.
"Yes."
"Then sir, you are operating a vehicle."
"OK."
"Are you going to hang up your phone or do I have to write you a citation?"

So I hang up the phone and pull up to the tollbooth. The pleasant hag manning the booth gave me a dirty look to which I said:
"5 Dollars just to cross a bridge!!?"
"It's better $5 than the $95 you would have paid for talking on your cellphone!" She yelled this at me as if to scold me.
"Well anything above 50 cents is too much to pay for this scumbag city and all it's inhabitants" I said angrily.
"Whateva! Na ah!"
"Fuckin' moron" as I sped away.

The moral of this story is that New York is a shithole. You pay $5 to cross a bridge with craters the size of buses which your money is supposedly going to repair. You have cops who are deemed useless and sent to patrol the bridge for "handheld device violations." And then you have the old lady who realizes that her whole life is based on taking the money that I purposely just sneezed on. Bitch!