Oh Deer...

So I read the local paper online everyday to see what is going on in my community. Every now and then I will read an article that just kicks around in my head all day. One that I cannot completely grasp.

Yesterday's paper had an article on a 19 year old man who was arrested for walking on the median of a highway near me. It wasn't just the fact that he was walking, he was covered in red paint and holding a deer's head and leg. I'll let you reread that and think about it for a minute...

WTF? For me the most disturbing thing(aside from the carcass carrying) is that he didn't just go one way or another. He didn't just cover himself in PAINT and carry a FAKE deer's head and leg. He also didn't cover himself in BLOOD and carry a REAL deer's head and leg. He went for the variety. He figured he would just mix it up a little.

I hope this fuckin' fruit loop either gets the help he needs, or maybe a chimp. The chimp will teach him a lesson on fuckin' with animals.

Capes

Why are capes only reserved to psychos and superheroes? I would love to strap on a cape and go to the grocery store. If I were to do this I would be looked down upon and people would laugh. Why?

Why is it weird to throw on a piece of cloth for style but acceptable to wear your baseball hat at a 15 fucking degree angle? How is that any better? How is a cape different from a windbreaker?

I would love to just wake up one day and be able to go out with my wife wearing a cape. We have a black president. Why can't we get our heads out of our asses and fully embrace the cape and monocle combo? Too much? Maybe just the cape for now. The monocle can wait a while...

Five Alive

Anyone who was alive in the early 80's should remember a weird ass drink called Five Alive. It was stocked in the juice aisle right next to the Orange Juice. Back then in came in two flavors. I have no idea what flavors they were but I know one came in a blue carton and other in a green carton. They also sold it in the frozen aisle next to all the other juice drinks that were packaged too much like biscuit tins.

They never really advertised it as much as Sunny D or Tang. It was like the red headed stepchild of all shitty juice wannabe drinks. I was never allowed to drink any of those drinks. When I got older and tasted them I think my parents weren't concerned about the sugar, but more that they were protecting me from nasty shit.

Anyone who was alive in the early 80's and have no idea what the fuck I am talking about is either an asshole or a Commie. Either way...YOU'RE AN ASS!

Baby Age

Does it ever bother you when somebody talks about their baby and they have to give the exact age in months? I can't fucking stand that! Why must we know the exact age of your mutant spawn? Why can't you round it like everyone else?

Is it a case of showing off? Are you so proud of yourself that you can add every month together to the sum of an age? When do you fuckers consider it appropriate to become normal and use years instead?

If your little shitbag is 23 months old, it is ok to refer to it as "2 years old." Tacking on an extra month is part of estimating...another important math skill. If your kid is 18 months old, I wanna hear it referred to as "a year and a half." The only time it is acceptable to refer to a month is within the first year. After that you're just an ass.

So if you're a parent and you're reading this...nobody gives a flying fuck the exact age of your child. Chances are it has a big head and resembles an alien. So please take everyone else into consideration when throwing your spawn's age.

Chocolate Skittles

Not too long ago the good people over at Skittles decided to dabble in the chocolate arena. They figured that they conquered all the different flavors and combinations of fruity deliciousness and needed something more appealing.

Chocolate skittles contained 5 different chocolately flavors: brownie batter, chocolate pudding, chocolate caramel, s'more, and vanilla. Yes vanilla. I never knew vanilla to be a kind of chocolate, but I'll roll with it this one time.

Anywho,this bag of shit colored candy actually tasted like shit candy. It was terrible. I gave it to my wife (who is obsessed with chocolate) and she only had about three pieces. Why fuck up a good thing? You dominate all the fruity flavors and combos. You don't need to enter the chocolate arena.

Now I only see the chocolate skittles in the 50% bin in CVS. Even then I think that is a ripoff. They should be giving us that 50% for eating it. Gross.

February F*ckups

So I was writing my blog on The Clapper last month and just when I was about to publish it my screen went black. I could not access the blog for about a month and for no good reason at all it began working today.

I figured I would take this time to sum up what has happened the past month or so. So much has happened and made me angry lately. Here is my analysis:

-So we had two fucking plane crashes. One landed safely in the Hudson River and the other not so safely in somebody's house. Both crashed in New York and now I am getting asked a lot less why I don't fly.
-Peanut butter is deadly. Apparently a factory in the middle of nowhere is filthy and has rats and mice shitting all over the place. So now we have a crazy salmonella outbreak. Fuckin' Jiff.
-Some lady had her face ripped off by a chimp. Rumor has it he did it with a top hat and diaper on while a cigar was dangling from his mouth. It must've been a cute brutal attack.
-Some crazy bitch in California decided to give birth to octuplets and use them as a way to beg for money and fame. I hope she is a big fan of peanut butter or violent chimps.

That is all I care to discuss. Piss off.