"Opening Day"

So this year marks New York's newest and finest examples of greed: Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. Only in this shithole of a city will you find major league teams financially molesting the fans during a fucking recession.

It's not bad enough that Citibank took a bailout package from Congress and kept taxpayer money to keep their shitastic name on the stadium, but they couldn't have picked a better team to support with their image. The Mets pump lots and lots of money into players and the results are usually pretty shitty.

I am sick of hearing about "opening day" at both of these places. Every night it seems like they are having some sort of opener. First it was a college team that played the "opening day" at Citi Field. Then the Mets played a couple of exibition games that were "opening day." Then the official start of the season was an "opening day." I am sick of fucking hearing it.

Maybe if the Mets and Yankees would focus more on getting decent players who could play as a team and not just be individual check-signers, then maybe they can get some asses in the seats to see their many "opening days."

Chia Pets

How the fuck are these still around? I don't understand the appeal and would never buy one. Anyone you talk to gets a good chuckle whenever you bring it up. But who the hell is buying this shit?

I remember this shit came out when I was a little kid. I was probably watching a new episode of Cheers or Empty Nest and I saw the ad. Even as a kid it looked stupid and seemed like something that would go away quickly.

Fast forward 20 years later and I still see those goddamn ads every now and then advertising some sort of mutant Chia. How? Are people watching tv and they see the ad and think "oh fuck I gotta get Betty that chia goat!" If so, those people should be tied, gagged, and have that chia solution poured down their throats until they choke on the growing plant. Now that is a punishment fitting the crime!

Cockbuster

Some moron questioned me a couple of days ago about my anger. They wondered why I have so much hatred towards people and things. Although that person helped to prove my point, I have a more troublesome foe that I am tackling with.

It all started Friday when the wife wanted to see Marley and Me. I went to the local grocery store where they have a RedBox and it was all out. My only other option was Blockbuster. I call it "Cockbuster" because the minute you go in there it feels like they are sodomizing your soul and you feel like less of a man.

Anyways, I walk into the store and of course there are 9 million copies of the movie on the wall. I go up to the counter and the guy tells me the movie is $6. I give him my debit card and he swipes it. After waiting for two minutes he says that they have been having trouble with the machine and that he has to swipe it again. He does and it freezes again. Some moron next to him tells him to automatically enter my card into the system. The guy does this and it works. I ask him if it charged me multiple times and he said "no." I checked the receipt and it said I was only charged once.

Fast forward to today and I am checking my account online and I see that I was charged twice. So I drive down to Cockbuster to return the movie and get my money back. The same moron who rang me up Friday says he doesn't remember the machine being down. I give him my receipt and tell him that I was charged twice. He calls over the acting manager who says "I don't know dude. It says you were only charged once. I would call your bank."
"What will my bank do?"
"They will give you your money back."
"But they didn't take my money, you did."
"I don't know man. Maybe it is your bank that takes things out twice."

My point here is that this world is run by fucking mental pygmies. When I have to spend my time trying to fix other people's wrongs so I don't get fucked I think I am entitled to be pissed. Go Netflix!

Taxes

This is the time of the year where you realize either how worthwhile or worthless you are in life. Tax season is really a big bunch of headaches that can either subside once you get a fat return, or kill you with an aneurysm once you see you don't even deserve enough back.
Rich people get fucked because they have to pay a lot of taxes. I don't cry for them because they are rich so they have money anyway. Plus, since they are so rich they find legal loopholes and pretty much fuck the system anyway.
I feel bad for people who work but don't get their taxes taken out of paychecks. Then when it is time for taxes they wind up paying. A lot of poorer people get fucked with this.
The people who get the best deal is the middle class who don't have a whole hell of a lot but can appreciate a fat return.
Anyway you look at it we are all paying for the rich motherfuckers who will screw up their companies and ask for us to bail them out so they can retire with millions in bonuses. Bastards.

Trojan Vibrating Touch

The other night I fell asleep on the couch with the t.v. on. I was awakened by a disturbing commercial that was playing at 3:30. This was so creepy and gross I vomited a little in my mouth before rolling over and passing out yet again.

So the commercial starts off with two women sitting at a hair salon. One is flipping through a magazine and starts to giggle. The other one looks and sees that it is a vibrating toy that goes on your finger. They begin discussing it and this nasty old lady is sitting behind them eavesdropping and occasionally rolling her eyes. The two women begin wondering out loud where they can buy it and the nasty old lady says you can buy it online because that is where she bought hers. EWWWWW.

The last fucking thing you want to think about when buying a sex product is some old broad who has to dig through cobwebs to get herself off. I wonder who the marketing geniuses are who thought of this. I also wonder if they were allowed to live. Good god I hope not.

Meg Ryan

Hatred. That is the only word to describe my innermost feelings towards Meg Ryan. I hate her movies and her one character. She makes Jim Varney (aka Ernest)look like fucking Charles Heston.
Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail are two of her biggest movies. The funny thing is You've Got Mail is basically an updated version of Sleepless in Seattle. She is struggling for love and finds it in an unsuspecting Tom Hanks. I hate Tom Hanks for being in these piece of shit, but he has some kickass films that need not be listed.
What else has Meg Ryan been in? Not much. But most of it is her playing the cute normal girl who falls for a guy. Time has put some wrinkles on that annoying face and she can't get those roles anymore. Take that bitch.
Look for Meg Ryan as a geriatric patient who gets set up by her asswiping aide with another patient (Hanks) at an exciting game of Bingo. It is called Lifeless in Fairmeadow.

Bunny Ears+Deer Antlers=ASSHOLE

So during the Christmas season I saw a distubing trend that started off slowly and then grew rapidly. It is those fucking antlers and red nose that people strap on to their cars to make it look like a reindeer. The majority of these people were minivan owners. It's bad enough you drive a minivan, now you made you car look even dumber.
Now these wastes of semen have found a way to annoy me in the Spring. There are bunny ears and bunny noses for sale that you can put on your car. What a way to announce: Watch out world! Here comes the asshole!
I think these people should be tied to their minivan as a motorcycle with sharp devil horns impales their ass. I think that would be more productive.