Trojan Vibrating Touch

The other night I fell asleep on the couch with the t.v. on. I was awakened by a disturbing commercial that was playing at 3:30. This was so creepy and gross I vomited a little in my mouth before rolling over and passing out yet again.

So the commercial starts off with two women sitting at a hair salon. One is flipping through a magazine and starts to giggle. The other one looks and sees that it is a vibrating toy that goes on your finger. They begin discussing it and this nasty old lady is sitting behind them eavesdropping and occasionally rolling her eyes. The two women begin wondering out loud where they can buy it and the nasty old lady says you can buy it online because that is where she bought hers. EWWWWW.

The last fucking thing you want to think about when buying a sex product is some old broad who has to dig through cobwebs to get herself off. I wonder who the marketing geniuses are who thought of this. I also wonder if they were allowed to live. Good god I hope not.

Meg Ryan

Hatred. That is the only word to describe my innermost feelings towards Meg Ryan. I hate her movies and her one character. She makes Jim Varney (aka Ernest)look like fucking Charles Heston.
Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail are two of her biggest movies. The funny thing is You've Got Mail is basically an updated version of Sleepless in Seattle. She is struggling for love and finds it in an unsuspecting Tom Hanks. I hate Tom Hanks for being in these piece of shit, but he has some kickass films that need not be listed.
What else has Meg Ryan been in? Not much. But most of it is her playing the cute normal girl who falls for a guy. Time has put some wrinkles on that annoying face and she can't get those roles anymore. Take that bitch.
Look for Meg Ryan as a geriatric patient who gets set up by her asswiping aide with another patient (Hanks) at an exciting game of Bingo. It is called Lifeless in Fairmeadow.

Bunny Ears+Deer Antlers=ASSHOLE

So during the Christmas season I saw a distubing trend that started off slowly and then grew rapidly. It is those fucking antlers and red nose that people strap on to their cars to make it look like a reindeer. The majority of these people were minivan owners. It's bad enough you drive a minivan, now you made you car look even dumber.
Now these wastes of semen have found a way to annoy me in the Spring. There are bunny ears and bunny noses for sale that you can put on your car. What a way to announce: Watch out world! Here comes the asshole!
I think these people should be tied to their minivan as a motorcycle with sharp devil horns impales their ass. I think that would be more productive.

100 Posts

Today marks my 100th post. To celebrate it properly I think I will list 100 songs I absolutely hate in no particular order. Some songs are ok at first, then you hate them. These suck first time around. Enjoy! Or go fuck yourself!

1. Barbie Girl-Aqua
2. Mary Jane's Last Dance-Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
3. Runaway Train-Soul Asylum
4. Fly-Sugar Ray
5. Born To Be Wild-Steppenwolf
6. Losing My Religion-R.E.M.
7. Another Bites The Dust-Queen
8. Sledgehammer-Peter Gabriel
9. Wonderwall-Oasis
10. Don't Know Why-Norah Jones
11. Rockstar-Nickelback
12. Teenagers-My Chemical Romance
13. See You Again-Miley Cyrus
14. Don't Stop Til You Get Enough-Michael Jackson
15. I'm The Only One-Melissa Etheridge
16. Real World-Matchbox Twenty
17. What I've Done-Linkin Park
18. Human-The Killers
19. Pink Houses-John Mellencamp
20. The Reason-Hoobastank
21. Wake Me Up When September Ends-Green Day
22. Give A Little Bit-Goo Goo Dolls
23. I'm Only Happy When It Rains-Garbage
24. Bittersweet-Fuel
25. Praise You-Fatboy Slim
26. Paralyzer-Finger Eleven
27. Riders On The Storm-The Doors
28. Down With The Sickness-Disturbed
29. Accidentally In Love-Counting Crows
30. Heavy-Collective Soul
31. Lovers In Japan-Coldplay
32. Realize- Colbie Caillat
33. Sorry-Buckcherry
34. Born In The USA-Bruce Springsteen
35. Emotions-Mariah Carey
36. Who Says You Can't Go Home- Bon Jovi
37. But Anyway-Blues Traveler
38. Devils Haircut-Beck
39. Girls-Beastie Boys
40. It's All Been Done-Barenaked Ladies
41. Complicated-Avril Lavigne
42. Takin' Care Of Business-Bachman Turner Overdrive
43. Rag Doll-Aerosmith
44. Good Thing-Fine Young Cannibals
45. Fergalicious-Fergie
46. Gypsy-Fleetwood Mac
47. Hollaback Girl-Gwen Stefani
48. Scar Tissue-Red Hot Chili Peppers
49. I Kissed A Girl-Katy Perry
50. I Kissed A Girl-Jill Sobule
51. Pocketful Of Sunshine-Natasha Bedingfield
52. All Apologies-Nirvana
53. She Will Be loved-Maroon 5
54. Drive-Incubus
55. Hash Pipe-Weezer
56. Life In The Fast Lane-Eagles
57. SOS-Rihanna
58. Start Me Up-The Rolling Stones
59. I Believe I Can Fly-R Kelly
60. Love Story-Taylor Swift
61. Waiting On The World To Change-John Mayer
62. Fake It-Seether
63. Keeps Gettin' Better-Christina Aguilera
64. Change The World-Eric Clapton
65. Don't Go Breaking My Heart-Elton John & Kiki Dee
66. Love Will Keep Us Together-Captain & Tennille
67. Tearin' Up My Heart-*NSYNC
68. I Want It That Way-Backstreet Boys
69. Runnin' With The Devil-Van Halen
70. My Humps-Black Eyed Peas
71. Legs-ZZ Top
72. The River Of Dreams-Billy Joel
73. Let's Dance-David Bowie
74. Barracuda-Heart
75. Fly Like An Eagle-Seal
76. I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
77. If-Janet Jackson
78. Been Caught Stealing-Jane's Addiction
79. Don't Speak-No Doubt
80. One Of Us-Joan Osborne
81. Sex And Candy-Marcy Playground
82. Virtual Insanity-Jamiroqui
83. I Hate Everything About You-Three Days Grace
84. Amazed-Lonestar
85. Just The Two Of Us-Will Smith
86. Dance,Dance-Fall Out Boy
87. Roxanne-The Police
88. Whip It-Devo
89. Everything You Want-Verticle Horizon
90. All Around Me-Flyleaf
91. Tom Sawyer-Rush
92. Hot Blooded-Foreigner
93. Are You Gonna Go My Way-Lenny Kravitz
94. Say My Name-Destiny's Child
95. Stacy's Mom-Fountains Of Wayne
96. The Way-Fastball
97. Rapture-Blondie
98. Carnival-Natalie Merchant
99. Something To Talk About-Bonnie Raitt
100.Black Velvet-Alannah Miles

St. Patty's Day

St. Patrick's Day is here again. It is always a festive day full of drunk assholes who wear a ridiculous green outfit for a laugh. For a lot of women this is the Halloween of Spring and they can be slutastic. This is also the only other time of the year(besides Christmas)where midgets are relevant.
What I find funny about working with children is they get all excited about St. Patty's Day and dress up in green. They talk about what a great day it is and how it is one of their favorite holidays.
Hold on there little Sally...you ain't got shit. This holiday is not for you. Mommy and daddy will be celebrating without you. You will have a fun night of watching Disney movies with your babysitter as mommy and daddy get wasted in some dive bar. Most likely mommy will flash the crowd as daddy and a bunch of construction workers take turns downing beers and motorboating her. Don't you feel like shit?! You're worthless today!

Extra Strength vs. Maximum Strength

So today I went to the store to buy my wife some Tums. I walked down the aisle and found a million different variations of antacids. Of course there were Rolaids and the store brand, but there were so many damn varieties.

When I was a kid I remember you had two different kinds of antacids: Tums and Rolaids. There were no fucking fruity flavors or added calcium. You got the straight up minty ass flavor and dealt with it.

Now you even get the different strengths of the antacid. I don't get that. You can choose from regular, extra strength or maximum. WTF? Why not just buy the maximum strength and knock that fucker out? Especially if you are thinking of buying the extra strength, that means that it hurts more than a regular pain. So why not be a trooper and throw down some maximum. I'm just waiting for the minimum strength to come out. Give it time...

K-Rock

Anyone who lives in the New York Tri-State area knows about K Rock. It is a station known for having Howard Stern on it for years before he took off for satellite radio. It is also one of NY's only rock stations that has songs from Led Zepplin to Rage Against the Machine....until today.

Today at 5pm they switched over to something called Now FM. It has a Top 40 format and features such shitastic artists like Justin Timberlake and Rihanna. Why the fuck do we need another station like this?

After Howard Stern left K Krock they bombed and made it an all talk station. Those motherfuckers finally wised up and went back to the old format. They also welcomed back Opie and Anthony to the NY market.

Now O&A are no longer on the radio and I can hear Disturbia nine million fucking times more a day. Whoopidty fucking doo!

Daylight Savings Time

What asshole came up with this idea? I absolutely hate it! I think we should have kept the clocks back and let nature take its course.

I think that DST began when a bunch of political head honchos were getting hammered one night and decided to play an evil prank on the first person that fell asleep. They all switched the clocks forward to pretend that he/she (see my PC there?) missed their meeting and was late to work. They then decided to keep it and make it more of a running prank.

Fast forward to now and I gotta lose a goddamn hour of sleep for this shit. I think we should keep that extra hour of darkness so it doesn't fuck up my schedule and cults can continue their sacrificing at a respectable hour.

Birthdays

If you think about birthdays it is a strange celebration. You are praised and congradulated for not dying.

When you are a child it is cute when you turn 1 and 4 and all those little ages. But when you go to college you realize that now you are just getting closer and closer to death.

You had absolutely no part in your creation. Two people got drunk and horny and nine months later you popped out. So why are you celebrated? You didn't do shit but come out for air. Fucking crazy.

Dark Temptation aka Chocolate Axe

How sad is it that for some men they need to smell like food to get some ass? WTF? This is the most ridiculous idea for a scent I have ever heard. What's next? Maple Syrup? Popcorn? Pizza? Where does it end?

I first read about this when they released it in England. Reading that it didn't bother me cause those motherfuckers will do all kinds of crazy shit. Then I heard it came over here and was being marketed.

It should be stated that my wife is a chocoholic. Everything is chocolate with her. I could cover a live mouse with chocolate and she'll eat it. This is even more reason for me NOT to wear this body spray. Last thing I want while I'm sleeping is to wake up with her gnawing off my arm or some shit.

I really hope this fad passes. I really hope it leaves before it even becomes a fad! I hope we wake up as a nation and realize that our bodies shouldn't resemble a fucking candy store.

Jimmy Fallon

Wanna know how to fuck up a show? Have Jimmy Fallon on it. He is sure to make it a craptastic shit sandwich.

On Monday he began hosting Late Night on NBC. This show was originally hosted by David Letterman and more recently Conan O'Brien. That was when it was funny.

I was a huge fan on Conan and thought his humore was hilarious. I never really liked Jimmy Fallon and felt that he was a watered down wannabe version of Adam Sandler on SNL. When he left SNL I figured he did it cause he was smart and figured out he sucked balls. I was wrong. He thought he could make himself the next big SNL movie star. Only one word is needed to describe that career: Taxi.

The only redeeming quality to his version of Late Night is that he has The Roots as his house band. They have a pretty cool opening theme and add some relevance. Other than that I hope he has Jack Hanna or Jerrod Miller on soon so maybe a wild chimp or bengal tiger can tear off his face and spare us more pain.

Twitter

I don't understand the fascination with this. Maybe I don't get it. To me it is a stupid idea and only assholes use it.

Why do I need to know what people are doing at all times? NOT AT ALL! Do I really give a shit? NOPE! Should these people have a jackhammer rammed into their skulls? YES!

If you are so damn interested in what somebody is doing why don't you just pick up your fucking phone and call them and ask them? Why do you feel the need to stalk them?

Twitter is the ugly redheaded stepchild of Facebook's "status update." Except it doesn't add much more than tell you that Lizzie is shopping for shoes. REALLY? Wow Lizzie is living the life! Look what I'm missing out on!

There are way too many stalking tools out there for people who need to know what everyone else is doing and for assholes who think that people really give a shit about their lives. WRONG!