Swine Flu

The plague is among us! We are now hit with the swine flu. This is the distant cousin of our good ol' friend the bird flu that hit us a few years ago. The media is having a field day with this and they are praying for a lot of fatalities to help their ratings.

As I watch over and over again about this damn flu I have the same question everyone else has but is afraid to ask: who porked the pig? I mean I'm sure some lonely Mexican farmer had one too many shots of tequila and decided to party. Is it really that inconceivable? No.

Right now there is a huge drug war going on in Mexico. If the U.S. Government were smart they would find a way to get the sick people in with the big drug cartels and let them all die surrounded by snot rags. This way they can keep their flu in their own country.

Al Molinaro

A few months ago I was up late and watching t.v. There was nothing on that I liked so I watched an episode of the Odd Couple. It was pretty damn funny so now I watch it every now and then.
The show is pretty funny and the charaters are interesting to watch. The only character I can't stand is Officer Murray. He is their good friend who can't do anything right. Basically he is a moron. The problem is that the guy can't act. His whole character is based on overacting. He always has these moronic one liners that aren't funny and you just want to punch him in his elephant sized nose.

I don't know how this ass got so much work back in the day. He also starred in Happy Days as the owner of the kids' hangout. He also was in Weezer's Buddy Holly video. Look at the clip below. Go to 3:12 and you'll see what I mean. What an ass.

Ikea Lady

Over the years there have been many creepy mascots and spokepeople for companies. The Burger King guy is one of the creepiest to come out in years. Now there is a new one.

The other night while I was watching Scrubs the new Ikea commercial came on. It had an Asian woman doing shit in her kitchen and then out from a dark corner comes this old African American Lady.

She has a raspy voice and tries to sound all poetic and shit. The Asian lady doesn't see her. The African American woman keeps going on and on while the Asian moves around her.

It's bad enough we have mascots with creepy heads and fucking Ashton Kutcher dancing around like an ass with his camera. Why do we need creepy old people? It's bad enough we send them down to Florida to die, but why exploit their insanity?

$.50

Last night I was reading that a restaurant in NYC was charging $.50 per ice cube in their drinks. As ridiculous as it sounds, I am not surprised. It is New York for god sakes! I'm surpised they don't charge a quarter for the goddamn straw.

The best part of the article mentions that they have been doing this for years. All of a sudden somebody actually looked at what they were paying for? Or was it that most people that dine out at fancy restaurants don't give a shit?

If you choose to dine at an expensive restaurant in NYC then you should expect to lose a paycheck or two. If you are looking to save money go over to some greasy spoon over in Jersey where you can get your ice for free. It might not be fresh ice. It might even had been used to keep a snitch's body from decomposing. But it's free so quit your bitching.

Abandonment

My asshole neighbors moved out of their apartment about 2 weeks ago. This is the couple who lived above me and she was banging the Verizon guy. So her and her husband kept fighting and she moved out. Then she would get hammered and come by everyday and they would fight some more. So naturally the husband decided to move out of the apartment above me and go live with his wife in her new place.

When they moved in they had a cat named Oreo. Oreo was a cute and very loving cat (I know it's like an oxymoron.) They never told the landlord that they had him and after a few months of hiding him in the apartment they decided to let him live outside.

A year into them living in the apartment they found a kitten outside. This kitten had been born to one of the dirty neighborhood cats. Mt neighbors brought that one in an raised it until they felt it was a good time to let that one roan outside as well.

So now they are gone, but the cats are still here. The newer cat is fine and doesn't give a shit either way. Oreo seems lost. He sits outside on their driveway at night at looks down the street waiting for them to come home. Other night he can be seen lying on their doorstep.

I hate cats. I think I made that perfectly clear the other day. The thing is how can you abandon them? I know that cats can be outdoor animals, but Oreo was a people's cat. So now I am trying to find someone to adopt him. If not, he will be sold to the chinese restaurant down the block. I got bills to pay.

Little League

As a kid I played little league baseball. I was more into soccer but I enjoyed baseball as well. As an adult there is nothing more painful than attending a little league game.

I had to drive the kid I tutor to his game and watch it for an hour and a half. It was absolute torture. You have a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds who yell and cheer like they're big league players. The only problem is as soon as the ball is hit, nobody catches it. I mean the ball could be a light pop up and being heading directly into their mitt, and then they swat it away like they are being attacked by a fucking leper or something.

Another big problem with it the rules are turning these little bastards into pansies. Some leagues have a rule where if one team is batting and they get 5 runs in an inning the teams automatically switch sides. WHAT? If my team is kicking your ass you better believe we want to keep kicking your ass. When I was a kid they never pulled that shit. If you were loosing by 35 runs then it means you suck and should take up ballet or something. Or how about everyone gets a trophy? It's a real smack in the face if my team just kicked your ass by 35 runs and we have the same damn trophy. You gotta earn that shit! Otherwise why play at all? You should just lay on the field hocking loogies at the bees. Why not? You're all getting the same $.50 piece o' shit plastic.

Cats=Worthless

2am the smoke alarm in the downstairs apartment goes off. My wife and i scramble to figure out what is going on. My neighbor (whose apartment it is) is at work at the Mobil station.

I run downstairs to look in his windows to see if I can spot any smoke or fire. I see nothing. I run back upstairs and tell my wife that it looks normal in his apartment. My wife says she smells smoke so I run down to the basement (located right behind his apartment) and I smell a little smoke and the alarm is still going.

I look up Mobil's phone number and my wife calls. She tells him the alarm is going off and that she smells smoke. He tells her he never cooks and he can't leave his job. As she is on the phone with him the alarm stops and we don't smell smoke anymore. We stay up for awhile to make sure everything is ok.

Tonight "Dude" (as we call him to ourselves) knocks on my door. Speaking in a heavy Southern twang (he is from Texas) he says "Good thang ya'll called me last night. Turns out one of my cats turned on the stove. I had a plastic bucket sitting on the stove and it caught on fire. One of my other cats must've knocked it off the stove and on to the counter where it burned out. I got home about 5 hours later and the stove was still on high."

Now I have always hated cats. I think they are loveless worthless creatures (with the exception of some.) I can honestly say I hate them more now that my life was put in danger by one.

Another funny thing about this story is this guy always complains that my 15 pound little dog makes too much noise walking around our carpeted living room during the day. Aside from that who in their right mind would bother to go knock on their neighbor's door and own up to that? Why would you tell me that your cats set shit on fire? I didn't die and the house didn't burn down, I don't need to know your stupidity any further.

"Opening Day"

So this year marks New York's newest and finest examples of greed: Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. Only in this shithole of a city will you find major league teams financially molesting the fans during a fucking recession.

It's not bad enough that Citibank took a bailout package from Congress and kept taxpayer money to keep their shitastic name on the stadium, but they couldn't have picked a better team to support with their image. The Mets pump lots and lots of money into players and the results are usually pretty shitty.

I am sick of hearing about "opening day" at both of these places. Every night it seems like they are having some sort of opener. First it was a college team that played the "opening day" at Citi Field. Then the Mets played a couple of exibition games that were "opening day." Then the official start of the season was an "opening day." I am sick of fucking hearing it.

Maybe if the Mets and Yankees would focus more on getting decent players who could play as a team and not just be individual check-signers, then maybe they can get some asses in the seats to see their many "opening days."

Chia Pets

How the fuck are these still around? I don't understand the appeal and would never buy one. Anyone you talk to gets a good chuckle whenever you bring it up. But who the hell is buying this shit?

I remember this shit came out when I was a little kid. I was probably watching a new episode of Cheers or Empty Nest and I saw the ad. Even as a kid it looked stupid and seemed like something that would go away quickly.

Fast forward 20 years later and I still see those goddamn ads every now and then advertising some sort of mutant Chia. How? Are people watching tv and they see the ad and think "oh fuck I gotta get Betty that chia goat!" If so, those people should be tied, gagged, and have that chia solution poured down their throats until they choke on the growing plant. Now that is a punishment fitting the crime!

Cockbuster

Some moron questioned me a couple of days ago about my anger. They wondered why I have so much hatred towards people and things. Although that person helped to prove my point, I have a more troublesome foe that I am tackling with.

It all started Friday when the wife wanted to see Marley and Me. I went to the local grocery store where they have a RedBox and it was all out. My only other option was Blockbuster. I call it "Cockbuster" because the minute you go in there it feels like they are sodomizing your soul and you feel like less of a man.

Anyways, I walk into the store and of course there are 9 million copies of the movie on the wall. I go up to the counter and the guy tells me the movie is $6. I give him my debit card and he swipes it. After waiting for two minutes he says that they have been having trouble with the machine and that he has to swipe it again. He does and it freezes again. Some moron next to him tells him to automatically enter my card into the system. The guy does this and it works. I ask him if it charged me multiple times and he said "no." I checked the receipt and it said I was only charged once.

Fast forward to today and I am checking my account online and I see that I was charged twice. So I drive down to Cockbuster to return the movie and get my money back. The same moron who rang me up Friday says he doesn't remember the machine being down. I give him my receipt and tell him that I was charged twice. He calls over the acting manager who says "I don't know dude. It says you were only charged once. I would call your bank."
"What will my bank do?"
"They will give you your money back."
"But they didn't take my money, you did."
"I don't know man. Maybe it is your bank that takes things out twice."

My point here is that this world is run by fucking mental pygmies. When I have to spend my time trying to fix other people's wrongs so I don't get fucked I think I am entitled to be pissed. Go Netflix!

Taxes

This is the time of the year where you realize either how worthwhile or worthless you are in life. Tax season is really a big bunch of headaches that can either subside once you get a fat return, or kill you with an aneurysm once you see you don't even deserve enough back.
Rich people get fucked because they have to pay a lot of taxes. I don't cry for them because they are rich so they have money anyway. Plus, since they are so rich they find legal loopholes and pretty much fuck the system anyway.
I feel bad for people who work but don't get their taxes taken out of paychecks. Then when it is time for taxes they wind up paying. A lot of poorer people get fucked with this.
The people who get the best deal is the middle class who don't have a whole hell of a lot but can appreciate a fat return.
Anyway you look at it we are all paying for the rich motherfuckers who will screw up their companies and ask for us to bail them out so they can retire with millions in bonuses. Bastards.